Legally:
I haven't posted in awhile so I'm sure there is lots. Mike visited last week, he had Iris Tuesday night-Thursday night and went home Friday morning. He gave us $300 for the month for child support and is not paying anything for daycare (still unsure about this regarding the tax situation, but it's the end of the month now). He has also said he will not paying anything at all in April, and will resume paying for half of daycare and child support in May. He stopped wearing his wedding band on Tuesday of last week. I have not been back in contact with any lawyers, I cannot afford to meet with anyone yet and am unable to file anything legally in NC until June or July. We have been texting most days and have talked on the phone a few times since his visit. He still speaks to Jennifer every day, tells her he loves her and sees her outside of work once a week (that's what he told me).
Emotionally:
I hate his visits. They make me more sad each time, as I watch the distance push us apart and the love disappear. He is still telling another woman he loves her and he has no such things to say to me until we are arguing about it. He says that he wants to move closer, to Greenville, SC, but I have already declared my bottom line about moving again and he feels this is unfair that I won't "meet him halfway". I went all the way with moving previously and it left me alone and heart broken, with no support or love to be found. And he asked me what the point of him stopping seeing her is if I dont' want to reconcile....are you serious?! He can't understand why stopping his relationship with someone that isn't his wife would be an important first step?!?! How am I supposed to fix a marriage with someone who can say that to me? With someone that can continue to break my heart every single time he sees me? He doesn't love me, despite saying he does, because love doesn't look or sound the way Mike is presenting it. And love is never having to ask your husband if he is still telling someone else that he loves her. I still wish he would be kind and just tell me he doesn't love me and wants to get divorced, it would hurt so much less overall I think. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on or forward with the situation being as it is now. I feel guilty for not being loving towards him and for not trying harder to make him love me, but haven't I done enough? Haven't I begged him to choose me enough? When does he beg me for love? When does he make an effort for Iris and I, and our family? I feel like I'm ruining Iris' life but at the same time know that I can't go back to a marriage without love for me included and don't know what to do. Mike gives me just enough encouragement to keep me feeling confused and trapped, and then bad for trying to move on.
Moving on. The impossible task. I have a friend, Dennis, that has been a good companion over the last three months. He has listened, kept me company, and offered me an outlet from the life I live every day, even if it's just watching basketball or a terrible reality TV show. We are friends and that is all. Mike is upset about Dennis because we interact on FB and he thinks I am dating and/or possibly sleeping with him, and that this is why I stopped wearing my rings. None of that is true. I cannot imagine sleeping with another person, it's too painful and overwhelming. And I have no idea how I'm ever supposed to fall in love again, if that is even possible. So Mike thinks I'm now doing the same thing he is doing, and he's mad. #1. I'm not, and I wouldn't. #2. How can he possibly be mad about that even if I were, after what's he done?! He brings sexual things in to our marriage that he learned/does with her, there is nothing more awful. He is still having sex with her, every week, and has the nerve to accuse me of doing anything wrong? It's so out of line I don't know what to say to him, and it's unfair that I have to be put in to the same category as him, so that he can make himself feel better. He really doesn't love me, and I have to keep telling myself this. If he did, none of these conversations or arguments would even exist. I'm alone, so alone. And he did this to me, continues to do this to me every day.
Iris:
Despite it all, the beautiful angel continues to thrive! She had a stomach bug last week that she passed on to Mike, myself, and my parents, and I think she is still having a little bit of backlash from that this week even. She likes daycare, she seems happy on the cameras and when I pick her up and is, as always, just a generally happy baby. She is now rolling over, laughing a lot, and loving baths! Nothing makes her happier than splashing around in the tub for awhile. She had some more shots at her 4 month appointment and now weight 12lb, 3oz. She's amazing, she's so strong and alert, she loves to look around at everything and doesn't want to miss out on anything. I thin she might be ready to start some solid foods soon, she seems to like the look of our food and is really advanced, so I think 5 months will be a good time to start cereal or something light like that. She still gets up once in the night, but she's right back to sleep after that is doing so well! She's the bright spot in my day every day, and I love her for that along with just being completely enamored with her anyway! Such a funny, happy girl!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Road to Recovery
Legally:
Mike visited last week and we discussed finances a little and our status. He is still seeing Jennifer, he still loves her, and he met her children. After the visit, on Thursday, I received a text from Mike with a picture of an email and a comment "that he didnt' know what to do and is about ready to let me file for divorce." The email was sent to Jennifer and contained a lot of harsh, unkind statements and questions to her. Mike is upset with me because he thinks that I wrote it or had someone write it. This is not the case at all. I would not stoop to this level nor am I angry enough to follow-through on doing something so mean and unproductive. Since then, we emailed and texted a little and then skyped on Sunday so that he could see Iris. I spent $20 yesterday on formula at Walmart from Mike's account (I texted him to let him know before I did it).
Emotionally:
I feel very differently this week. I am almost relieved that it's over, that I can be done trying to love Mike as he is now. Last week was very hard for me and his visit made me very sad overall, and we didn't part of great terms (not bad, just sad more than anything). I am devastated that he met her children, that he is really considering if he can take on her whole package. She isn't just her in real life, which I understand because now I am not either, and she is selling Mike on her family and the life they could have together. I don't know how he really feels about the idea of taking on her children and that responsibility, but I imagine he can't want to raise someone else's kids when he isn't sure if he wants to deal with his own most days. Either way, I can't really believe that he met them, that she introduced her "friend" to her babies, how could she do that?! After a tough few days with Mike, this piece of information just topped off what I already knew, which is that I had to distance myself.
I took Wednesday to feel sorry for myself and woke up Thurseday resolved. I didn't wear my rings for the first time on purpose and began calling lawyers to make appointments (I only plan to keep one, but I wanted information on pricing, etc). My mom and I spent the day buying my Daddy a car and then we came home for the end of the afternoon. In the late afternoon, I received Mike's text about the email (weird that he texted me a picture and didn't just send the email, right?!) and he yelled at me and my Mother on the phone. His behavior solidified what I had already begun that day and I feel so glad that I had already made that decision before he freaked out, but it only helped to make me feel better about my choice. I feel a great sense of distance now from him, I didn't feel the same seeing him on Sunday (on skype) and I am not missing him as much every day. It is still there, I still think about him a lot and he is somehow attached to soo many things every day, but it's better and I am a lot less sad than I have been. Between my family, friends and counselor, I am finally out of the darkest place, I hope.
Now to focus on finalizing a job, getting my finances and plans in order, and being the absolute best parent I can be!
Iris:
I weighed her with me yesterday and she is 11.6 lbs! She hasn't gained as much weight in the last 8 weeks as I'd hoped, but she's healthy and happy and I feed her every single chance she'll let me, so I'm sure it's all ok. She has been incredibly chatty and engaging the last few days. She razz's, coo's and "talks" all the time when she's awake, it's amazing! She can also lift her head to 90 degrees during tummy time and look around while doing this, definitely a change from a few weeks ago (so much stronger)! She had a few weird nights of sleep, getting up more than once, but last night she slept from 7p-6:45a, which is awesome. I was still awake at 1:15a panicing, but that's my problem not hers. We are taking Iris to the beach this weekend, I think she's going to love it!
Mike visited last week and we discussed finances a little and our status. He is still seeing Jennifer, he still loves her, and he met her children. After the visit, on Thursday, I received a text from Mike with a picture of an email and a comment "that he didnt' know what to do and is about ready to let me file for divorce." The email was sent to Jennifer and contained a lot of harsh, unkind statements and questions to her. Mike is upset with me because he thinks that I wrote it or had someone write it. This is not the case at all. I would not stoop to this level nor am I angry enough to follow-through on doing something so mean and unproductive. Since then, we emailed and texted a little and then skyped on Sunday so that he could see Iris. I spent $20 yesterday on formula at Walmart from Mike's account (I texted him to let him know before I did it).
Emotionally:
I feel very differently this week. I am almost relieved that it's over, that I can be done trying to love Mike as he is now. Last week was very hard for me and his visit made me very sad overall, and we didn't part of great terms (not bad, just sad more than anything). I am devastated that he met her children, that he is really considering if he can take on her whole package. She isn't just her in real life, which I understand because now I am not either, and she is selling Mike on her family and the life they could have together. I don't know how he really feels about the idea of taking on her children and that responsibility, but I imagine he can't want to raise someone else's kids when he isn't sure if he wants to deal with his own most days. Either way, I can't really believe that he met them, that she introduced her "friend" to her babies, how could she do that?! After a tough few days with Mike, this piece of information just topped off what I already knew, which is that I had to distance myself.
I took Wednesday to feel sorry for myself and woke up Thurseday resolved. I didn't wear my rings for the first time on purpose and began calling lawyers to make appointments (I only plan to keep one, but I wanted information on pricing, etc). My mom and I spent the day buying my Daddy a car and then we came home for the end of the afternoon. In the late afternoon, I received Mike's text about the email (weird that he texted me a picture and didn't just send the email, right?!) and he yelled at me and my Mother on the phone. His behavior solidified what I had already begun that day and I feel so glad that I had already made that decision before he freaked out, but it only helped to make me feel better about my choice. I feel a great sense of distance now from him, I didn't feel the same seeing him on Sunday (on skype) and I am not missing him as much every day. It is still there, I still think about him a lot and he is somehow attached to soo many things every day, but it's better and I am a lot less sad than I have been. Between my family, friends and counselor, I am finally out of the darkest place, I hope.
Now to focus on finalizing a job, getting my finances and plans in order, and being the absolute best parent I can be!
Iris:
I weighed her with me yesterday and she is 11.6 lbs! She hasn't gained as much weight in the last 8 weeks as I'd hoped, but she's healthy and happy and I feed her every single chance she'll let me, so I'm sure it's all ok. She has been incredibly chatty and engaging the last few days. She razz's, coo's and "talks" all the time when she's awake, it's amazing! She can also lift her head to 90 degrees during tummy time and look around while doing this, definitely a change from a few weeks ago (so much stronger)! She had a few weird nights of sleep, getting up more than once, but last night she slept from 7p-6:45a, which is awesome. I was still awake at 1:15a panicing, but that's my problem not hers. We are taking Iris to the beach this weekend, I think she's going to love it!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Bottom Lines
Legally:
Mike is here to visit this weekend. We are meeting with the minister at our local church today to discuss christening details for Iris. Mike and I had a longer conversation last night regarding our situation. He does not want to move forward with legal proceedings, nor does he really even want to discuss them. He mentioned that he did not agree to Iris leaving the state (not true at all) and that I should have tried harder to stay in TN so that he could see her. He also said that he is still communicating with HER and that he still has feelings for her, and that she might be a better fit for him.
Feelings:
I finally stated my bottom line last night: that I won't be moving away from here. I think he knew it, but it was good to go ahead and say it out loud and have it on the table. Mike said that he didn't know if he wanted to move here, and that he still doesn't feel strongly enough about he and I to do that at this point. I guess he doesn't realize that he will never feel that strongly for me as long as he's spreading his feelings over two women. Which he is, still. I feel heart broken all over again today, I let myself get my hopes up that he might actually be stopping that relationship and actually want to save our marriage. He did say Sorry last night, and he did admit that his actions are the reason we are in the situation we are in now. We talked more about the baby and the pregnancy, and my reasons for doing that, and we talked a little about why he cheated (that the pregnancy had a lot to do with it and he doesn't think he would have done it if the pregnancy had been different), and he said that he should have stopped and didn't, and let it get too far. He also now says that he wonders if he has a better connection with her, if they are a better fit. I think that's his way of saying that he think that they are, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But it's not real, they don't have a real relationship yet, it's still pretend, it isn't based in real life. I just don't think I can compete with her when I'm not there, and when she's feeding him all this crap every day. I have to get out, I have to step back and move away from this emotionally. I thought I was doing it, but I'm right back here again.
And I'm swamped with guilt at the moment. Guilt for what I've done to Iris' life, forever. I feel awful for creating an environment where she has no father-figure every day, she will only have a Daddy that visits and sees her randomly. I want the best of everything for her, and that includes a Dad that will be there every day, to see her ride a bike, celebrate exciting things, help her when she's sad or having a tough day. Because of me, she won't have that.
Today he said that he would have wanted to wait a few years before having a baby, but that he loves her very much. He also said that the other woman is moving to CA soon, once her divorce is final (three months in TN). He said he isn't going to move there, that he doesn't want to be further away from Iris and wouldn't go that far away from her. But he can't stop his relationship even though it is coming to an end (sometime relatively soon) and he can't say that he could be happy with me, even with her out of the picture. He said that our expectations for our marriage were different (which I have said before, and which we obviously never discussed openly or honestly), and also that he feels we are competative with each other, which I dont' agree with. He said that he doesn't have expectations with her, which makes it an easy thing and that they don't fight because of this. I don't know what all of this means or where it leaves me, but I think it leaves me with a cheating Husband who doesn't want to stop and doesn't love me enough to even try.
Iris:
We arranged a date for her baptism today, which is nice. She seems happy this weekend with Mike, she had a fussy time last night but has been a good girl since then. I just put away some more of her clothes that are too small now, so crazy how quickly she grows! I have to go and get a paper filled out at the doctors and then she is all set for daycare, whenever that is. Our baby is growing and changing so fast!
Mike is here to visit this weekend. We are meeting with the minister at our local church today to discuss christening details for Iris. Mike and I had a longer conversation last night regarding our situation. He does not want to move forward with legal proceedings, nor does he really even want to discuss them. He mentioned that he did not agree to Iris leaving the state (not true at all) and that I should have tried harder to stay in TN so that he could see her. He also said that he is still communicating with HER and that he still has feelings for her, and that she might be a better fit for him.
Feelings:
I finally stated my bottom line last night: that I won't be moving away from here. I think he knew it, but it was good to go ahead and say it out loud and have it on the table. Mike said that he didn't know if he wanted to move here, and that he still doesn't feel strongly enough about he and I to do that at this point. I guess he doesn't realize that he will never feel that strongly for me as long as he's spreading his feelings over two women. Which he is, still. I feel heart broken all over again today, I let myself get my hopes up that he might actually be stopping that relationship and actually want to save our marriage. He did say Sorry last night, and he did admit that his actions are the reason we are in the situation we are in now. We talked more about the baby and the pregnancy, and my reasons for doing that, and we talked a little about why he cheated (that the pregnancy had a lot to do with it and he doesn't think he would have done it if the pregnancy had been different), and he said that he should have stopped and didn't, and let it get too far. He also now says that he wonders if he has a better connection with her, if they are a better fit. I think that's his way of saying that he think that they are, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But it's not real, they don't have a real relationship yet, it's still pretend, it isn't based in real life. I just don't think I can compete with her when I'm not there, and when she's feeding him all this crap every day. I have to get out, I have to step back and move away from this emotionally. I thought I was doing it, but I'm right back here again.
And I'm swamped with guilt at the moment. Guilt for what I've done to Iris' life, forever. I feel awful for creating an environment where she has no father-figure every day, she will only have a Daddy that visits and sees her randomly. I want the best of everything for her, and that includes a Dad that will be there every day, to see her ride a bike, celebrate exciting things, help her when she's sad or having a tough day. Because of me, she won't have that.
Today he said that he would have wanted to wait a few years before having a baby, but that he loves her very much. He also said that the other woman is moving to CA soon, once her divorce is final (three months in TN). He said he isn't going to move there, that he doesn't want to be further away from Iris and wouldn't go that far away from her. But he can't stop his relationship even though it is coming to an end (sometime relatively soon) and he can't say that he could be happy with me, even with her out of the picture. He said that our expectations for our marriage were different (which I have said before, and which we obviously never discussed openly or honestly), and also that he feels we are competative with each other, which I dont' agree with. He said that he doesn't have expectations with her, which makes it an easy thing and that they don't fight because of this. I don't know what all of this means or where it leaves me, but I think it leaves me with a cheating Husband who doesn't want to stop and doesn't love me enough to even try.
Iris:
We arranged a date for her baptism today, which is nice. She seems happy this weekend with Mike, she had a fussy time last night but has been a good girl since then. I just put away some more of her clothes that are too small now, so crazy how quickly she grows! I have to go and get a paper filled out at the doctors and then she is all set for daycare, whenever that is. Our baby is growing and changing so fast!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Distance over time
Legally:
Paid my cell phone bill today from our joint account. No contact with Mike at all today.
Feelings:
The fact that Mike hurting my feelings on Sunday has led to three days of barely interacting, after a "nice" trip to Gatlinburg, says a lot about the reality of our situation. Mike obviously feels so strongly for me that he doesn't even want to bother communicating with me today, that he "needs" his space and time apart. Marriages aren't about time apart, they are about working together to get through tough times and happy times. Each day I feel a little stronger in my decision to stop loving him, thought that is still going to take a lot of time to actually achieve. Over and over this week I have been thinking about the lies, one in particular that sticks out. When Mike was booking my flight back to Nashville for Christmas time (booked over Thanksgiving), I looked at him and asked him if it was a good idea. He bore in to my eyes with him, touched me, kissed me, and told me it was fine. He booked the flight for me, and then proceeded to email HER, "she just booked her flight for the week between Christmas and New Year, can't wait to spend the week together. Can't stand being apart from you, it's excrutiating." The sencond sentence might be a bit of paraphrasing, I can't remember the words exactly, but still. It has been replaying over and over in my head, how he could look at me and make me believe him, all the while knowing he was lying right to my face, taking advantage of my love for him. I don't know if he spent the entire week with her in the end, but he lied to me. And didn't have any remorse about doing it, he couldn't wait to email her and tell her that their time together was happening, because he got rid of me. That's what hurts the most, not the act of cheating (though that kills me too), but the constant and continuous lies that just keep on coming. I can't take any more lies, I'm beaten down with them all. He just won't be honest and I am drowned in the misery of the lies. Why do I not deserve more than this? Why am I only worth someone that cares so little he can keep treating me this way? He can't possibly love me if he can keep this behavior up, I do realize that most of the time. But I want him to love me so badly, and I'm so defeated after three years of being mentally beaten down, that I'm not sure I can step away. Maybe I am only worth this, only worth what Mike can give me, I have done things wrong and I am not a wonderful woman by many standards. I wanted to be enough, and I had hoped that I was, but obviously I am not. I feel like i will never be enough for anyone at this point.
Iris:
She's great! She is a beautiful, happy girl and I love her! I filled out her paperwork for daycare today, will return it next week and get her all set-up. There are definite patterns in her day now, which is nice, and I am glad to be able to tell the carers about this rather than it being a free-for-all everyday, it makes our days a bit more structured too (not a lot, but a bit!).
Paid my cell phone bill today from our joint account. No contact with Mike at all today.
Feelings:
The fact that Mike hurting my feelings on Sunday has led to three days of barely interacting, after a "nice" trip to Gatlinburg, says a lot about the reality of our situation. Mike obviously feels so strongly for me that he doesn't even want to bother communicating with me today, that he "needs" his space and time apart. Marriages aren't about time apart, they are about working together to get through tough times and happy times. Each day I feel a little stronger in my decision to stop loving him, thought that is still going to take a lot of time to actually achieve. Over and over this week I have been thinking about the lies, one in particular that sticks out. When Mike was booking my flight back to Nashville for Christmas time (booked over Thanksgiving), I looked at him and asked him if it was a good idea. He bore in to my eyes with him, touched me, kissed me, and told me it was fine. He booked the flight for me, and then proceeded to email HER, "she just booked her flight for the week between Christmas and New Year, can't wait to spend the week together. Can't stand being apart from you, it's excrutiating." The sencond sentence might be a bit of paraphrasing, I can't remember the words exactly, but still. It has been replaying over and over in my head, how he could look at me and make me believe him, all the while knowing he was lying right to my face, taking advantage of my love for him. I don't know if he spent the entire week with her in the end, but he lied to me. And didn't have any remorse about doing it, he couldn't wait to email her and tell her that their time together was happening, because he got rid of me. That's what hurts the most, not the act of cheating (though that kills me too), but the constant and continuous lies that just keep on coming. I can't take any more lies, I'm beaten down with them all. He just won't be honest and I am drowned in the misery of the lies. Why do I not deserve more than this? Why am I only worth someone that cares so little he can keep treating me this way? He can't possibly love me if he can keep this behavior up, I do realize that most of the time. But I want him to love me so badly, and I'm so defeated after three years of being mentally beaten down, that I'm not sure I can step away. Maybe I am only worth this, only worth what Mike can give me, I have done things wrong and I am not a wonderful woman by many standards. I wanted to be enough, and I had hoped that I was, but obviously I am not. I feel like i will never be enough for anyone at this point.
Iris:
She's great! She is a beautiful, happy girl and I love her! I filled out her paperwork for daycare today, will return it next week and get her all set-up. There are definite patterns in her day now, which is nice, and I am glad to be able to tell the carers about this rather than it being a free-for-all everyday, it makes our days a bit more structured too (not a lot, but a bit!).
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Disenchanted
Legally:
Signed Iris up for daycare today. She starts on March 4th, unless a job dictates otherwise. There was a $100 deposit that Mike paid. I closed my personal BBT account yesterday, the account now only has Mike's money and information associated with it. I received Mike's electric bill in the mail, I let him know this and he can pay it as he wishes. I did mention that he still needs to update the contact information on the utility accounts.
Feelings:
The counselor used a word I liked today: disenchanted. We were discussing my stipulations for salvaging our marriage and attempting to make things better, and she said that if he doesn't stop the deceipt and the evading, that things will only get worse for us and I will continue to become more and more disenchanted. I think this is the perfect word for what I've been feeling more of lately, I am absolutely not in love with Mike the way I used to be. I don't see him the same way. To look at him, I feel less overcome with emotion, and to think about him, I just don't really remember good things anymore. I still have a glimmer of hope for us as a couple, but more and more I can coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is likely over. There is so much gone wrong, so many lies and so much hurt, that I just don't know if even my optimism can dig out of the hole we're in. Mike and I emailed back and forth a little yesterday, first about some non-feeling matters (daycare and his bill), and then about the state of affairs after the blow-up on Sunday. His temail suggested that he just doesn't know if we can be happy together, which I've thought a lot about too over the last two days. I am not even sure he would know how to begin to make me happy, he doesn't really ask and probably wouldn't be able to give that much of himself to achieve it, and I now wonder if I know how to do this for him. I thought I did, I thought that I was a good and loving wife every day and that what I was doing was showing him that and making him happy. But obviously I was wrong. I just don't know if I can make him happy at this point, because I'm not new and I'm no longer exciting and "different". There is no way for me to be those things, and if, like a junkie, that's what he craves, then there's no way I can ever be what he wants from here on out. I hope that Mike realizes that everyone becomes "old" news at some point and that life has to go on, but I don't know if he will ever really get it. I think of the day in and day out of married life just as all life, it's the same thing for most people on most days, that's just the routine that we create for ourselves and somewhat what society expects of us. Mike has eluded this in the past by moving and meeting a new woman, until me, and I followed him around and moved to try and keep up, but the move alone wasn't enough to feed the high.
I don't know if Mike will ever be able to apologize for breaking my heart. I wonder about this all of the time. Will he ever be able to open up and tell me the truth, the real truth? I doubt it. I have to ove past him, evolve past him in the mother and woman that this has made me. I am not the same anymore, he and this experience have changed me forever.
Iris:
She made a boyfriend at daycare already! What a little flirt! I think she's really going to like it there, the women seem to take great care of the babies and I feel good about this decision. Not about putting her in care, but about choosing the right place for her at least. She had a great day yesterday, definitely seems in better spirits being at home.
Signed Iris up for daycare today. She starts on March 4th, unless a job dictates otherwise. There was a $100 deposit that Mike paid. I closed my personal BBT account yesterday, the account now only has Mike's money and information associated with it. I received Mike's electric bill in the mail, I let him know this and he can pay it as he wishes. I did mention that he still needs to update the contact information on the utility accounts.
Feelings:
The counselor used a word I liked today: disenchanted. We were discussing my stipulations for salvaging our marriage and attempting to make things better, and she said that if he doesn't stop the deceipt and the evading, that things will only get worse for us and I will continue to become more and more disenchanted. I think this is the perfect word for what I've been feeling more of lately, I am absolutely not in love with Mike the way I used to be. I don't see him the same way. To look at him, I feel less overcome with emotion, and to think about him, I just don't really remember good things anymore. I still have a glimmer of hope for us as a couple, but more and more I can coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is likely over. There is so much gone wrong, so many lies and so much hurt, that I just don't know if even my optimism can dig out of the hole we're in. Mike and I emailed back and forth a little yesterday, first about some non-feeling matters (daycare and his bill), and then about the state of affairs after the blow-up on Sunday. His temail suggested that he just doesn't know if we can be happy together, which I've thought a lot about too over the last two days. I am not even sure he would know how to begin to make me happy, he doesn't really ask and probably wouldn't be able to give that much of himself to achieve it, and I now wonder if I know how to do this for him. I thought I did, I thought that I was a good and loving wife every day and that what I was doing was showing him that and making him happy. But obviously I was wrong. I just don't know if I can make him happy at this point, because I'm not new and I'm no longer exciting and "different". There is no way for me to be those things, and if, like a junkie, that's what he craves, then there's no way I can ever be what he wants from here on out. I hope that Mike realizes that everyone becomes "old" news at some point and that life has to go on, but I don't know if he will ever really get it. I think of the day in and day out of married life just as all life, it's the same thing for most people on most days, that's just the routine that we create for ourselves and somewhat what society expects of us. Mike has eluded this in the past by moving and meeting a new woman, until me, and I followed him around and moved to try and keep up, but the move alone wasn't enough to feed the high.
I don't know if Mike will ever be able to apologize for breaking my heart. I wonder about this all of the time. Will he ever be able to open up and tell me the truth, the real truth? I doubt it. I have to ove past him, evolve past him in the mother and woman that this has made me. I am not the same anymore, he and this experience have changed me forever.
Iris:
She made a boyfriend at daycare already! What a little flirt! I think she's really going to like it there, the women seem to take great care of the babies and I feel good about this decision. Not about putting her in care, but about choosing the right place for her at least. She had a great day yesterday, definitely seems in better spirits being at home.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Legal Separation
Legally:
I'm considering a legal separation. Really considering it, like I want to have papers ready for this weekend. Also, I think I'm going to file my taxes by myself, not together with Mike.
Feelings:
I've really fought against this idea-the legal separation. But if I don't, eventually I think Mike will and it will be harder for me, being here in NC. Also, I want him to know that I mean business. That I'm done waiting for him, no longer begging him to love me and choose me. I want to take a stand for myself and Iris, we deserve better. I deserve better. I think filing for separation will give me the sense of actuality that I need to know that this is all really happening, that Mike is really still lying, manipulating and ultimately still cheating on me. I have to break the pattern that this is ok behavior without consequences. I have to set in motion the future for Iris and I. If I do this, I will not be helping my marriage resusitate, it will be the beginning of the end for us. I will request the money the state suggests, I will not give in and take less, she deserves all of it and I want to start her life off in the right way. I want Iris to have a college fund, dance classes, and everything else she wants that will help her discover the person she is going to be. If Mike is not present every day physically, his money will ensure that she knows she is loved by her father and supported in some way.
I keep thinking about Mike's lies and what he has done to keep me engaged in his deceit and lies to this point. Even when I think back to the tiny debate we had about him "smelling weird" and he saying it was cologne from his Dad, when I knew something wasn't right but let it go, there have been so many lies. So much wrong has been done, he's hurt me and pushed me down so much to keep me where he wants me, in love with him and hopeful for a future, though I don't know that he has any real intention of trying to make that work. He mentioned having another baby together the other day, what am I supposed to do with that?! My heart hurts thinking about how hard the first pregnancy was with him, because of his lack of support and slow, painful torture of me because I did it and he didn't want a baby then.
I know, deep down, that I have to move forward with a separation. It's the best thing for me, which in turns makes it the best for Iris and that's what really matters. She needs the best parent she can get if she is only going to have one every day, and I can't be the absolute best when I am being hurt, abused, and unloved by my husband. Iris will be taught about morals, character, and how to treat people in life, in friendships and in love, and I will make sure that she knows that what her father did is not to be accepted in her life and that she deserves only the highest level of respect, admiration, and adoration from anyone she wants to give her heart to.
Iris:
My perfect angel is sleeping! Nana gave her a 4:00a bottle and she went right back to sleep! So in love!!
I'm considering a legal separation. Really considering it, like I want to have papers ready for this weekend. Also, I think I'm going to file my taxes by myself, not together with Mike.
Feelings:
I've really fought against this idea-the legal separation. But if I don't, eventually I think Mike will and it will be harder for me, being here in NC. Also, I want him to know that I mean business. That I'm done waiting for him, no longer begging him to love me and choose me. I want to take a stand for myself and Iris, we deserve better. I deserve better. I think filing for separation will give me the sense of actuality that I need to know that this is all really happening, that Mike is really still lying, manipulating and ultimately still cheating on me. I have to break the pattern that this is ok behavior without consequences. I have to set in motion the future for Iris and I. If I do this, I will not be helping my marriage resusitate, it will be the beginning of the end for us. I will request the money the state suggests, I will not give in and take less, she deserves all of it and I want to start her life off in the right way. I want Iris to have a college fund, dance classes, and everything else she wants that will help her discover the person she is going to be. If Mike is not present every day physically, his money will ensure that she knows she is loved by her father and supported in some way.
I keep thinking about Mike's lies and what he has done to keep me engaged in his deceit and lies to this point. Even when I think back to the tiny debate we had about him "smelling weird" and he saying it was cologne from his Dad, when I knew something wasn't right but let it go, there have been so many lies. So much wrong has been done, he's hurt me and pushed me down so much to keep me where he wants me, in love with him and hopeful for a future, though I don't know that he has any real intention of trying to make that work. He mentioned having another baby together the other day, what am I supposed to do with that?! My heart hurts thinking about how hard the first pregnancy was with him, because of his lack of support and slow, painful torture of me because I did it and he didn't want a baby then.
I know, deep down, that I have to move forward with a separation. It's the best thing for me, which in turns makes it the best for Iris and that's what really matters. She needs the best parent she can get if she is only going to have one every day, and I can't be the absolute best when I am being hurt, abused, and unloved by my husband. Iris will be taught about morals, character, and how to treat people in life, in friendships and in love, and I will make sure that she knows that what her father did is not to be accepted in her life and that she deserves only the highest level of respect, admiration, and adoration from anyone she wants to give her heart to.
Iris:
My perfect angel is sleeping! Nana gave her a 4:00a bottle and she went right back to sleep! So in love!!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Really Angry
Legally:
We met Mike in Gatlinburg for two nights (Wed-Fri) and had a good visit. He paid for the hotel, all of the meals other than breakfast on Friday and bought Iris formula. He wanted to meet as a gesture of his love and commitment to trying to make it work. Iris and I then went to visit Mike's mother for two nights. Mike and I had an argument on the phone (I subsequently hung up mid-conversation), that came from an inappropriate tiext that he had sent the night before. We exchanged other texts after the call, and I later attempted to call him back, having to leave a message. I apologized for the hang up and explained that he was welcome to call about Iris anytime, but that I would respect his request for "separation" (two days after wanting to be married and loving me in Gatlinburg) and wouldn't contact him this week prior to his visit. He will be back in Raleigh on Saturday evening for three nights.
Feelings:
I'm so mad I can't see straight. He has no idea how hard all of this is on everyone, he only thinks about himself. He sent a really mean, hurtful text message and then refused to apologize for hurting my feelings, because I was "wrong and that's not what it was" or something. Basically I shouldn't be upset because he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings and therefore I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. It's wrong of me. And then, to make it better, beecause I was mad, he then said that this is why separated people don't talk. Even thought he didn't want to be separated two days prior when he was having sex with me, telling me he loved me and telling me that he wanted to work things out with me. What the fuck. What a moron. He's so selfish and so awful at communication, how can I have possibly married this man?!?! And he hates me. He has to. That is the only reason someone sends a text message like his, and then turns my hurt feelings in to my fault and it all somehow comes back to what I did wrong in marriage, which validates why he's mean and why he cheated. What a horrible person.
He doesn't know how to argue or to take responsibility for anything. He literally can't make him self say the word sorry, he just can't be wrong. It's such an awful and weird thing to witness, because he could have shut me up and saved the situation by simply apologizing, but he'd rather us just not talk than admit he did something that wasn't great. I hate him for what he's done and continues to do to our family and our lives.
He lied to his girlfriend about coming to see us in Gatlinburg. He told his friends and his girlfriend that he was going to Indiana to see his Dad. So now, on top of continuing to lie to me and his friends, he's now lying to the new love of his life as well. And she has no idea. He doesn't want her to know that he's seeing me freely, telling me he loves me, having a romantic time with me. He doesn't want to stop his relationship with her in case he and I are really done, then at least he has a back up plan. Or am I the back up plan? I'm not sure anymore. He lies so much, there's no way to know what's real and what's a lie. But isn't that just the worst thing, that he won't even tell people he's seeing his Wife?! It's heart breaking every time he does this stuff. It just keeps getting worse, every time I think it can't. I know that I have to break free from him, but it's just so hard. I'm so scared to be a single parent, a single person, and an individual again. I wanted to be a great wife, a great mother, and to create a wonderful family. I loved Mike, I really did. But I hate this Mike now, he's selfish, mean, and unloveable. He's a very mediocre parent, and an awful Husband. I know, somewhere within, that I deserve to be treated better, that there will be someone to loves me and appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer in love. But Mike isn't it anymore I don't think, he can't love me and won't make an effort to even try and begin repairing our love and marriage. I'm going to be a divorced 30 year old with a child. I am going to be divorced. Single. Alone. And ultimately I don't know if anyone will ever love me or be able to accept me as I am now, broken, a single parent, diseased, and unloveable? If all I did for Mike wasn't enough, I don't know what else I can do or what more I can be?
Iris:
Iris celebrated her 3 month birthday yesterday! She had a tough few days, I think the driving and constant changes has her worn out and cranky, and she has been crying and fussing a lot. She's so alert and happy though when she's in the zone, it's awesome! She's holding herself upright now and she can lift her head well and move it around during tummy time. Grandma Peg bought her a couple of books with bright pictures and she LOVED them, I am so excited to read them to her again tonight! She is the bright part of the day even when things are awful, my love for her grows every day and I feel so lucky that I get to see her every day, and not intermittently like Mike. I worry about her future a lot, but hope that I will learn to be enough and will show her the right way to live life. I want the absolute best for her and hate that that might be in any way jeopardized because of Mike and I. I will be the best version of myself and the best Mother I can be, so that she knows right and wrong, how to be confident and strong, and how to think for herself. She is already such a character, she rules all of us and will likely continue this way for years to come!!
We met Mike in Gatlinburg for two nights (Wed-Fri) and had a good visit. He paid for the hotel, all of the meals other than breakfast on Friday and bought Iris formula. He wanted to meet as a gesture of his love and commitment to trying to make it work. Iris and I then went to visit Mike's mother for two nights. Mike and I had an argument on the phone (I subsequently hung up mid-conversation), that came from an inappropriate tiext that he had sent the night before. We exchanged other texts after the call, and I later attempted to call him back, having to leave a message. I apologized for the hang up and explained that he was welcome to call about Iris anytime, but that I would respect his request for "separation" (two days after wanting to be married and loving me in Gatlinburg) and wouldn't contact him this week prior to his visit. He will be back in Raleigh on Saturday evening for three nights.
Feelings:
I'm so mad I can't see straight. He has no idea how hard all of this is on everyone, he only thinks about himself. He sent a really mean, hurtful text message and then refused to apologize for hurting my feelings, because I was "wrong and that's not what it was" or something. Basically I shouldn't be upset because he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings and therefore I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. It's wrong of me. And then, to make it better, beecause I was mad, he then said that this is why separated people don't talk. Even thought he didn't want to be separated two days prior when he was having sex with me, telling me he loved me and telling me that he wanted to work things out with me. What the fuck. What a moron. He's so selfish and so awful at communication, how can I have possibly married this man?!?! And he hates me. He has to. That is the only reason someone sends a text message like his, and then turns my hurt feelings in to my fault and it all somehow comes back to what I did wrong in marriage, which validates why he's mean and why he cheated. What a horrible person.
He doesn't know how to argue or to take responsibility for anything. He literally can't make him self say the word sorry, he just can't be wrong. It's such an awful and weird thing to witness, because he could have shut me up and saved the situation by simply apologizing, but he'd rather us just not talk than admit he did something that wasn't great. I hate him for what he's done and continues to do to our family and our lives.
He lied to his girlfriend about coming to see us in Gatlinburg. He told his friends and his girlfriend that he was going to Indiana to see his Dad. So now, on top of continuing to lie to me and his friends, he's now lying to the new love of his life as well. And she has no idea. He doesn't want her to know that he's seeing me freely, telling me he loves me, having a romantic time with me. He doesn't want to stop his relationship with her in case he and I are really done, then at least he has a back up plan. Or am I the back up plan? I'm not sure anymore. He lies so much, there's no way to know what's real and what's a lie. But isn't that just the worst thing, that he won't even tell people he's seeing his Wife?! It's heart breaking every time he does this stuff. It just keeps getting worse, every time I think it can't. I know that I have to break free from him, but it's just so hard. I'm so scared to be a single parent, a single person, and an individual again. I wanted to be a great wife, a great mother, and to create a wonderful family. I loved Mike, I really did. But I hate this Mike now, he's selfish, mean, and unloveable. He's a very mediocre parent, and an awful Husband. I know, somewhere within, that I deserve to be treated better, that there will be someone to loves me and appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer in love. But Mike isn't it anymore I don't think, he can't love me and won't make an effort to even try and begin repairing our love and marriage. I'm going to be a divorced 30 year old with a child. I am going to be divorced. Single. Alone. And ultimately I don't know if anyone will ever love me or be able to accept me as I am now, broken, a single parent, diseased, and unloveable? If all I did for Mike wasn't enough, I don't know what else I can do or what more I can be?
Iris:
Iris celebrated her 3 month birthday yesterday! She had a tough few days, I think the driving and constant changes has her worn out and cranky, and she has been crying and fussing a lot. She's so alert and happy though when she's in the zone, it's awesome! She's holding herself upright now and she can lift her head well and move it around during tummy time. Grandma Peg bought her a couple of books with bright pictures and she LOVED them, I am so excited to read them to her again tonight! She is the bright part of the day even when things are awful, my love for her grows every day and I feel so lucky that I get to see her every day, and not intermittently like Mike. I worry about her future a lot, but hope that I will learn to be enough and will show her the right way to live life. I want the absolute best for her and hate that that might be in any way jeopardized because of Mike and I. I will be the best version of myself and the best Mother I can be, so that she knows right and wrong, how to be confident and strong, and how to think for herself. She is already such a character, she rules all of us and will likely continue this way for years to come!!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Still lost
Legally:
Iris and I are meeting Mike in Gatlinburg, TN for two nights this week, then visiting his mother for two nights following. He asked me today to not spend any money on Iris until I am with him, which is fine, she will need formula by the end of the week or weekend. We have not discussed our marriage or separation since his last visit to Raleigh.
Feelings:
Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on, need to get rid of Mike. And I soo wish that I could do this. I really do. Some days I even think I can, that I can make it alone and be a single parent and still be good enough for Iris. But I don't want to just be good enough for her, she deserves amazing things, and I don't want to give up on Mike yet. When we're together, it makes sense (to quote Mike) and I can see possibilities, but over the phone and with time, I start to have doubt creep in. Is he ever going to be enough for me now? Can I actually forgive him for what he's done? How will I ever trust him, or anyone, ever again? He has lied so much, straight to my face, that I no longer know what I can and can't believe, I have to assume it's all still lies. And I spend my days lately texting with him and I say the right things, as he does, but do we really mean them? Sometimes I do, sometimes I just want to tell him I love him and see how he's doing, but other times I'm simply going through the motions. Which is what he has done with me for a long time now, before and during his relationship with the whore. I'm assuming that's still going on, so he's doing it to me and to her too now. Do you think he likes lying and getting away with it, as it were? Because he is continuing to exhibit the same patterns of behavior and he is, for all purposes, getting away with it. He still hss a devoted wife that is loving him and having sex with him, and taking care of his child, and he has a nurturing girlfriend that's also loving him and probably having sex with him also. Must be nice. And so wrong I just don't understand how it's possible. He doesn't love us both, so which one of us does he really love? I dont' think it's me, but I don't know anymore. How can he love her when he still doesn't really know her? Not the parts where you share information and find things you have in common, but the day-in and day-out knowing of each other that comes with time together and experience, and sharing life outside of work. All they have done is send some words to each other, behave like high schoolers in their cars and share a few meals during work hours, oh and have wine. Fucking bastard, taking her to a place I would love. He only thinks of himself. They don't KNOW each other, they haven't had fights or got on each otheres nerves, or traveled to three countries in a week and still loved each other. I hate this so fucking much, it's insanity. I have to move on, and yet I can't/ I'm driving hundreds of miles out of my way to see him, not for Iris (she is happy here and would probably be a much happier girl not in the car for 4 1/2 hours), but for me. And for what? So he can not be sorry, not show remorse, and not give me the love I deserve?! There is something really wrong with me as a person in love, I am just bad at choosing who I love.
Iris:
She is someone to love, my one true love! She laughed at me yesterday, a real laugh! She is stronger every day, holding her head up, looking around, moving, all sorts of things. It's amazing to see her grow and become more of a person every day, I love it!! She makes me so happy, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am to have her come through all of this mess so wonderfully, she is resilient like her Mommy and she's a wonderful baby! Feeling so in love with her today, and every day!
Iris and I are meeting Mike in Gatlinburg, TN for two nights this week, then visiting his mother for two nights following. He asked me today to not spend any money on Iris until I am with him, which is fine, she will need formula by the end of the week or weekend. We have not discussed our marriage or separation since his last visit to Raleigh.
Feelings:
Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on, need to get rid of Mike. And I soo wish that I could do this. I really do. Some days I even think I can, that I can make it alone and be a single parent and still be good enough for Iris. But I don't want to just be good enough for her, she deserves amazing things, and I don't want to give up on Mike yet. When we're together, it makes sense (to quote Mike) and I can see possibilities, but over the phone and with time, I start to have doubt creep in. Is he ever going to be enough for me now? Can I actually forgive him for what he's done? How will I ever trust him, or anyone, ever again? He has lied so much, straight to my face, that I no longer know what I can and can't believe, I have to assume it's all still lies. And I spend my days lately texting with him and I say the right things, as he does, but do we really mean them? Sometimes I do, sometimes I just want to tell him I love him and see how he's doing, but other times I'm simply going through the motions. Which is what he has done with me for a long time now, before and during his relationship with the whore. I'm assuming that's still going on, so he's doing it to me and to her too now. Do you think he likes lying and getting away with it, as it were? Because he is continuing to exhibit the same patterns of behavior and he is, for all purposes, getting away with it. He still hss a devoted wife that is loving him and having sex with him, and taking care of his child, and he has a nurturing girlfriend that's also loving him and probably having sex with him also. Must be nice. And so wrong I just don't understand how it's possible. He doesn't love us both, so which one of us does he really love? I dont' think it's me, but I don't know anymore. How can he love her when he still doesn't really know her? Not the parts where you share information and find things you have in common, but the day-in and day-out knowing of each other that comes with time together and experience, and sharing life outside of work. All they have done is send some words to each other, behave like high schoolers in their cars and share a few meals during work hours, oh and have wine. Fucking bastard, taking her to a place I would love. He only thinks of himself. They don't KNOW each other, they haven't had fights or got on each otheres nerves, or traveled to three countries in a week and still loved each other. I hate this so fucking much, it's insanity. I have to move on, and yet I can't/ I'm driving hundreds of miles out of my way to see him, not for Iris (she is happy here and would probably be a much happier girl not in the car for 4 1/2 hours), but for me. And for what? So he can not be sorry, not show remorse, and not give me the love I deserve?! There is something really wrong with me as a person in love, I am just bad at choosing who I love.
Iris:
She is someone to love, my one true love! She laughed at me yesterday, a real laugh! She is stronger every day, holding her head up, looking around, moving, all sorts of things. It's amazing to see her grow and become more of a person every day, I love it!! She makes me so happy, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am to have her come through all of this mess so wonderfully, she is resilient like her Mommy and she's a wonderful baby! Feeling so in love with her today, and every day!
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Mike this week
This is just feelings:
Mike has been so different this week, since his visit, it's so great and so scary to witness. I don't understand it and I don't feel like I can ask, so I am just going with it for now and will hopefully get more answers this coming week when are in Gatlinburg. Seriously, who goes from threatening to withdraw money from my life and hating me to a total swtich the next week?! We had a good weekend, and I felt fairly ok when he left. But this change, for the positive, is almost as unnerving as his hostility and anger. He booked his trip here for the third weekend in February and when sending the confirmation email, included a message in the email about meeting halfway this coming week on Thursday and Friday (arriving Wednesday). I was so shocked that he wanted to see me again so soon and so excited, but even more confused. Was the sex that good?! Does he really miss me and love me?! Could this mean that we're on the road to saving our marriage (still a long, long way away in the future)?! I don't know, but it's definitely different. Also, does this mean he's really not seeing "her"? She can't feel good about Mike wanting to see us again so soon and so much, or is that part of Mike's game that he's playing? Keep me hooked so that he can still have both and still have what he wants?! Geez, I don't know.
So, we're planning to meet in Gatlinburg for two days. I have NO money and don't know how I'm going to fund this, but I think it's a nice gesture on his part to want to see us and drive halfway and it's exciting that he's in a positive place with me for once. I'm just scared that if I'm not on my best behavior, not at my absolute best, that he will change his mind or feel differently. And I need to know why, more than anything. I want to know how he feels, what's going on with him emotionally, which isn't easy for him to do.
So, does he love me? Is he jsut excited about the hot sex that we had? Is he playing games with me? Does our marriage have a chance? All questions that might not have answers this week, but that are on my mind today. I love my husband. I keep writiing it down because I hate saying it out loud, I fear everyone hates hearing it and doesn't want to know about it. But I love him and want our family back together. I want a new family with Mike, a different set of rules and agreements, but our family under one roof. Maybe in time.
Mike has been so different this week, since his visit, it's so great and so scary to witness. I don't understand it and I don't feel like I can ask, so I am just going with it for now and will hopefully get more answers this coming week when are in Gatlinburg. Seriously, who goes from threatening to withdraw money from my life and hating me to a total swtich the next week?! We had a good weekend, and I felt fairly ok when he left. But this change, for the positive, is almost as unnerving as his hostility and anger. He booked his trip here for the third weekend in February and when sending the confirmation email, included a message in the email about meeting halfway this coming week on Thursday and Friday (arriving Wednesday). I was so shocked that he wanted to see me again so soon and so excited, but even more confused. Was the sex that good?! Does he really miss me and love me?! Could this mean that we're on the road to saving our marriage (still a long, long way away in the future)?! I don't know, but it's definitely different. Also, does this mean he's really not seeing "her"? She can't feel good about Mike wanting to see us again so soon and so much, or is that part of Mike's game that he's playing? Keep me hooked so that he can still have both and still have what he wants?! Geez, I don't know.
So, we're planning to meet in Gatlinburg for two days. I have NO money and don't know how I'm going to fund this, but I think it's a nice gesture on his part to want to see us and drive halfway and it's exciting that he's in a positive place with me for once. I'm just scared that if I'm not on my best behavior, not at my absolute best, that he will change his mind or feel differently. And I need to know why, more than anything. I want to know how he feels, what's going on with him emotionally, which isn't easy for him to do.
So, does he love me? Is he jsut excited about the hot sex that we had? Is he playing games with me? Does our marriage have a chance? All questions that might not have answers this week, but that are on my mind today. I love my husband. I keep writiing it down because I hate saying it out loud, I fear everyone hates hearing it and doesn't want to know about it. But I love him and want our family back together. I want a new family with Mike, a different set of rules and agreements, but our family under one roof. Maybe in time.
Dreams
Legally:
Bought formula ($39 for the larger container) at Walmart. Accidentally used our account for some paint for the house, will reimburse our account from mine. Mike and I have agreed to meet halfway this coming Wednesday in Gatlinburg, TN for a visit. It's intended to be a fun trip for the three of us and he has agreed to pay for the hotel for us all for the two nights (Wednesday and Thursday nights). I paid Mike's water bill online because the bill was forwarded to me, as my name is on it. Expecting the electricity bill to arrive this week also.
Feelings:
I keep dreaming about Mike and Jennifer. It's awful. One of my biggest fears is that I won't ever get over this, and therefore will ultimately end our marriage by simply not being able to move past everything. I'm certainly not there yet, that's to be expected, and I won't get there ever if Mike doesn't eventually tell me EVERYTHING honestly. I want to know the details, I want to understand how this happened and what has allowed it to go on this long and enable him to let me leave and jeopardize his marriage. I want him to BEG for forgiveness and show me, every day, that he means it and wants to be the best husband and father he can be for us. But he's not ready to do that, he's not even ready to let this woman go at this point. So, I'm left to my own imagination which is, as best I can explain to people, vivid. I finally found what she looks like, and she's pretty. But when I dream about them together, I don't ever picture her the way she looks and usually it is just Mike and I interacting in the dreams, very poorly interacting I might add. Last night, well 3:00a when I'm wide awake waiting for Iris to wake up and getting upset because Mike didn't even call me back or text me when I called him last night, I start to panic. Obviously if he's ignoring my calls and not responding, he's with her. He's now spending nights with her. Eventually I fall asleep and dream this: Mike is in a navy suit when I first see him and we have an ok chat, but 5 minutes later he is in a different outfit and when I ask why, he says 'that was my outfit from yesterday, I have to put a clean outfit on for work'. I look at him dumbly and then get it, but I still ask, 'why did you have on last night's outfit this morning?' To which he of course replies, after a looong pause, 'you know why'. And then I freaked out and got really upset and somehow I also learned that he is really involved with her children and they know he spends the night at her house all the time, which was news to me. I have to dream all of this because he didn't answer my call or call me back or text me. It doesn't seem healthy, or sane. And yet what am I supposed to think?! He's in another state, in love with another woman. I didn't mention that he never called me back last night, but he did call this morning and said that he passed out early after drinking too much knobb creek with Cory at the Granite City opening. Either way, how am I supposed to come back from this in my life?! How am I ever going to trust him, or anyone else, ever again?! I am trying to keep it together, but I'm barely hanging on and obviously my subconscious is dreaming big for me. Do I tell him about this stuff or just let it be? I don't think I would feel "better" but I would feel at least some comfort in knowing the details of it all rather than being left to come up with my own ideas. Hopefully he will be want to be honest with me one day. It's the only way I can see there being any hope for this situation. And I do love him and want things to get better, it seems like such a waste of a good, a great love, and an injustice to marriage to give up so easily.
Iris:
She's cute as a button and such a good girl! She is still talking to us in ooh's and aah's and came to brunch with the girls today :-) She was so good the entire time and we spent two hours there, so I was really proud of how well she did! She was 12 weeks yesterday, time's flying by! So in love with my girl!
Bought formula ($39 for the larger container) at Walmart. Accidentally used our account for some paint for the house, will reimburse our account from mine. Mike and I have agreed to meet halfway this coming Wednesday in Gatlinburg, TN for a visit. It's intended to be a fun trip for the three of us and he has agreed to pay for the hotel for us all for the two nights (Wednesday and Thursday nights). I paid Mike's water bill online because the bill was forwarded to me, as my name is on it. Expecting the electricity bill to arrive this week also.
Feelings:
I keep dreaming about Mike and Jennifer. It's awful. One of my biggest fears is that I won't ever get over this, and therefore will ultimately end our marriage by simply not being able to move past everything. I'm certainly not there yet, that's to be expected, and I won't get there ever if Mike doesn't eventually tell me EVERYTHING honestly. I want to know the details, I want to understand how this happened and what has allowed it to go on this long and enable him to let me leave and jeopardize his marriage. I want him to BEG for forgiveness and show me, every day, that he means it and wants to be the best husband and father he can be for us. But he's not ready to do that, he's not even ready to let this woman go at this point. So, I'm left to my own imagination which is, as best I can explain to people, vivid. I finally found what she looks like, and she's pretty. But when I dream about them together, I don't ever picture her the way she looks and usually it is just Mike and I interacting in the dreams, very poorly interacting I might add. Last night, well 3:00a when I'm wide awake waiting for Iris to wake up and getting upset because Mike didn't even call me back or text me when I called him last night, I start to panic. Obviously if he's ignoring my calls and not responding, he's with her. He's now spending nights with her. Eventually I fall asleep and dream this: Mike is in a navy suit when I first see him and we have an ok chat, but 5 minutes later he is in a different outfit and when I ask why, he says 'that was my outfit from yesterday, I have to put a clean outfit on for work'. I look at him dumbly and then get it, but I still ask, 'why did you have on last night's outfit this morning?' To which he of course replies, after a looong pause, 'you know why'. And then I freaked out and got really upset and somehow I also learned that he is really involved with her children and they know he spends the night at her house all the time, which was news to me. I have to dream all of this because he didn't answer my call or call me back or text me. It doesn't seem healthy, or sane. And yet what am I supposed to think?! He's in another state, in love with another woman. I didn't mention that he never called me back last night, but he did call this morning and said that he passed out early after drinking too much knobb creek with Cory at the Granite City opening. Either way, how am I supposed to come back from this in my life?! How am I ever going to trust him, or anyone else, ever again?! I am trying to keep it together, but I'm barely hanging on and obviously my subconscious is dreaming big for me. Do I tell him about this stuff or just let it be? I don't think I would feel "better" but I would feel at least some comfort in knowing the details of it all rather than being left to come up with my own ideas. Hopefully he will be want to be honest with me one day. It's the only way I can see there being any hope for this situation. And I do love him and want things to get better, it seems like such a waste of a good, a great love, and an injustice to marriage to give up so easily.
Iris:
She's cute as a button and such a good girl! She is still talking to us in ooh's and aah's and came to brunch with the girls today :-) She was so good the entire time and we spent two hours there, so I was really proud of how well she did! She was 12 weeks yesterday, time's flying by! So in love with my girl!
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
After the first visit
Legally:
Mike visited Iris and I this past weekend from Saturday evening-Monday afternoon. The visit went well, Iris stayed with him both nights and she seemed very happy throughout the weekend. We split the meals we shared and he paid for his hotel room. He gave me $20 for gas money. We discussed a legal separation in greater depth, and at this point it's not something either of us want to pursue.
Feelings:
Still all over the place. We had a good weekend overall. It started out uncomfortable, but we discussed a few immediate concerns/points of contention, and once that was done things seemed to improve. I still love Mike and miss him every day. It's hard to be near him and not want to be affectionate, loving and romantic. Mike isn't the same way with me, he responds to my affection more than he initiates, which I am aware of even if I can't stop myself. This is such a hard situation, and every time I think I have something figured out, it changes. Three weeks now feels like just the right amount of time for me to start making progress with moving on, and then comes and visits and it's all down the drain. He said that when he was here, he could see being here with Iris and I, and having a nice, happy life. But I don't believe his heart is fully in it for me. He loves Iris and wants to be a present father, but his love for me just isn't there enough for either he or I to be happy long-term. He said that he wakes up some mornings and misses us and wants to be with us, but it isn't every day, and that it needs to be every day for him to make the committment to coming here and trying to be a family again. This doesn't address the fact that we would have a lot of work to do as a couple, but at least he's being honest (I think). And in 4-5 months when his lease is up and he is making a decision on what to do next, will I still want to try and make things work? Right now, I think yes. But once I have a job and some sense of normalcy, that very well might change. He still hasn't seen a counselor, which I mentioned again would be a great thing for him. He needs help even if he doesn't want to make our marriage work. I also asked him if Jennifer would stand by his side if he did this to her? He said he hadn't asked and didn't know, my assumption being that he thinks he loves her so much he wouldn't do this to her. But he did it to me and used to love me that much. And fyi, that is still going on. They aren't seeing each other outside of work, he says, but they are still in love and still communicate. He won't tell me more, though I wish he would, but he isn't prepared to give her up and I don't believe that he isn't seeing her outside of work at all, he did that while I was still there, why wouldn't he now?! Making out and having sex in their cars is still exciting and dangerous because they could still get in trouble, and it's still "bad" and full of emotion. It's so awful, I can't stand to think of it and yet can't stop thinking about it. I tried to imagine kissing another man today, and I just can't imagine it. It sounds so unappealing, so impossible....how can he do this and feel no guilt?!?!
Anyway, trying to stay focused on what I can do. And that's here. Getting a job, taking care of my precious girl, and enjoying my life with friends and family.
Iris:
She is 12 weeks on Friday! She is now "talking"-oohing and forming sounds with her mouth on purpose. We officially switched to cloth diapers today, they seem to work well and I'm hoping that she'll be comfortable in them, even if they do seem huge on her still. She's growing and changing every day, it's so fun to watch. We found her a daycare on Monday, we are both comfortable with the place and the people that will be taking care of her. My mum offered to help with her so that we only have to do three days of daycare a week, which would be nice for Iris and a big help financially for Mike and I, who are splitting the cost 50/50. I know this isn't what the state would recommend, but we'll try it for now and see how it goes. Love this baby, and hate the thought of her going in to daycare, but it's what has to happen. She will be fine, it's just me that likely won't be....
Mike visited Iris and I this past weekend from Saturday evening-Monday afternoon. The visit went well, Iris stayed with him both nights and she seemed very happy throughout the weekend. We split the meals we shared and he paid for his hotel room. He gave me $20 for gas money. We discussed a legal separation in greater depth, and at this point it's not something either of us want to pursue.
Feelings:
Still all over the place. We had a good weekend overall. It started out uncomfortable, but we discussed a few immediate concerns/points of contention, and once that was done things seemed to improve. I still love Mike and miss him every day. It's hard to be near him and not want to be affectionate, loving and romantic. Mike isn't the same way with me, he responds to my affection more than he initiates, which I am aware of even if I can't stop myself. This is such a hard situation, and every time I think I have something figured out, it changes. Three weeks now feels like just the right amount of time for me to start making progress with moving on, and then comes and visits and it's all down the drain. He said that when he was here, he could see being here with Iris and I, and having a nice, happy life. But I don't believe his heart is fully in it for me. He loves Iris and wants to be a present father, but his love for me just isn't there enough for either he or I to be happy long-term. He said that he wakes up some mornings and misses us and wants to be with us, but it isn't every day, and that it needs to be every day for him to make the committment to coming here and trying to be a family again. This doesn't address the fact that we would have a lot of work to do as a couple, but at least he's being honest (I think). And in 4-5 months when his lease is up and he is making a decision on what to do next, will I still want to try and make things work? Right now, I think yes. But once I have a job and some sense of normalcy, that very well might change. He still hasn't seen a counselor, which I mentioned again would be a great thing for him. He needs help even if he doesn't want to make our marriage work. I also asked him if Jennifer would stand by his side if he did this to her? He said he hadn't asked and didn't know, my assumption being that he thinks he loves her so much he wouldn't do this to her. But he did it to me and used to love me that much. And fyi, that is still going on. They aren't seeing each other outside of work, he says, but they are still in love and still communicate. He won't tell me more, though I wish he would, but he isn't prepared to give her up and I don't believe that he isn't seeing her outside of work at all, he did that while I was still there, why wouldn't he now?! Making out and having sex in their cars is still exciting and dangerous because they could still get in trouble, and it's still "bad" and full of emotion. It's so awful, I can't stand to think of it and yet can't stop thinking about it. I tried to imagine kissing another man today, and I just can't imagine it. It sounds so unappealing, so impossible....how can he do this and feel no guilt?!?!
Anyway, trying to stay focused on what I can do. And that's here. Getting a job, taking care of my precious girl, and enjoying my life with friends and family.
Iris:
She is 12 weeks on Friday! She is now "talking"-oohing and forming sounds with her mouth on purpose. We officially switched to cloth diapers today, they seem to work well and I'm hoping that she'll be comfortable in them, even if they do seem huge on her still. She's growing and changing every day, it's so fun to watch. We found her a daycare on Monday, we are both comfortable with the place and the people that will be taking care of her. My mum offered to help with her so that we only have to do three days of daycare a week, which would be nice for Iris and a big help financially for Mike and I, who are splitting the cost 50/50. I know this isn't what the state would recommend, but we'll try it for now and see how it goes. Love this baby, and hate the thought of her going in to daycare, but it's what has to happen. She will be fine, it's just me that likely won't be....
Friday, January 25, 2013
This Week
Legally:
Bought formula for Iris on Tuesday-larger container for $30 (had a $5 coupon). Spoke to Mike a couple of times, once on skype. We discussed a formal separation agreement, which he said was up to me but that would change our financial arrangement (obviously). He is visiting for two days this weekend, arriving tomorrow (Saturday). He will be keeping Iris for the duration of his visit.
Feelings:
I'm all over the place, as usual. I miss my husband, my best friend. I want so badly to have my Mike back, the man that loved me and that I talked to and loved. I am so hopeful after we've had a nice conversation, it's insane. And then the rest of the time I know that nothing has changed, that he is still continuing with another woman and that he still doesn't love me enough to even try to save our marriage. He didn't even want to stop me from formally separating, he didn't care about me, just about his money. I know he isn't in love with me, but I can't pull away. I can't stop. And I'm so frustrated with people telling me to just stop, to move on, it's just not that simple.
Mike treats me badly. He doesn't respect me, love me, trust me, or care for my feelings and well being. I know this. I need to keep saying it until it really sinks in. And in the meantime, he tells me he loves me and misses me. He says things like he is "excited to see us", which really means that he's excited to see Iris and has to include me, to keep things easy between us. Should i be brave and take charge of the situation and put an end it all (or at least the beginning of the end)? Is that really what he wants and just doesn't want to be the bad guy? I guess we will see this weekend, I hope I am able to make a decision after spending a little time with him and talking to him some.
Iris:
Turned 11 weeks old today! She is more alert every day and seems to be able to see things more clearly. She is also aware of where sounds come from, she follows the sound. She is rolling a little now, just on to her side, but it's definitely progress! She is growing hair back on top of her head and is probably 10lbs now. Absolutely gorgeous little girl, she's so cheeky and happy!!
Bought formula for Iris on Tuesday-larger container for $30 (had a $5 coupon). Spoke to Mike a couple of times, once on skype. We discussed a formal separation agreement, which he said was up to me but that would change our financial arrangement (obviously). He is visiting for two days this weekend, arriving tomorrow (Saturday). He will be keeping Iris for the duration of his visit.
Feelings:
I'm all over the place, as usual. I miss my husband, my best friend. I want so badly to have my Mike back, the man that loved me and that I talked to and loved. I am so hopeful after we've had a nice conversation, it's insane. And then the rest of the time I know that nothing has changed, that he is still continuing with another woman and that he still doesn't love me enough to even try to save our marriage. He didn't even want to stop me from formally separating, he didn't care about me, just about his money. I know he isn't in love with me, but I can't pull away. I can't stop. And I'm so frustrated with people telling me to just stop, to move on, it's just not that simple.
Mike treats me badly. He doesn't respect me, love me, trust me, or care for my feelings and well being. I know this. I need to keep saying it until it really sinks in. And in the meantime, he tells me he loves me and misses me. He says things like he is "excited to see us", which really means that he's excited to see Iris and has to include me, to keep things easy between us. Should i be brave and take charge of the situation and put an end it all (or at least the beginning of the end)? Is that really what he wants and just doesn't want to be the bad guy? I guess we will see this weekend, I hope I am able to make a decision after spending a little time with him and talking to him some.
Iris:
Turned 11 weeks old today! She is more alert every day and seems to be able to see things more clearly. She is also aware of where sounds come from, she follows the sound. She is rolling a little now, just on to her side, but it's definitely progress! She is growing hair back on top of her head and is probably 10lbs now. Absolutely gorgeous little girl, she's so cheeky and happy!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Trying to get it together
It's been a couple of days, things have been happening.
Legally:
Attempted to purchase a garment rack from Walmart (with Mike's approval) with our joint account, but the next day Walmart emailed that they had to cancel the order. It was $44 that was refunded directly to our account. My parents purchased the rack from Amazon.com for me instead. Haven't used our account for anything else recently. We had a serious conversation this week, for the first time really, that led to an argument and a total disagreement on where we are and what we're feeling. Two different people called Mike's superiors to let them know about the relationship, one he thinks from work and one from a 919 area code. He is not being fired, nor is the other woman, and he only received a write-up in his file. He is still communicating in a romantic, non-professional way with Jennifer at this point, and has no intention of ending their relationship. He said that he thinks he will have to move to Raleigh if he wants to be with Iris and I, and doesn' t know if he wants to leave his friends in Nashville.
Feelings:
Mike is selfish. What kind of man, husband and father says something like "I don't know if I want to leave my friends here" when discussing his future with his family. And really, he will have to move if he stays with Drury anyway, likely this summer unless the write-up has a negative effect (which why would it, he's just cheating on his wife and deserting his family, surely that reflects a strong character in one of your management staff), so what does it even matter, except that he's making MORE excuses for himself and his awful behavior? He says things to me about loving me, missing me, how tough it is to be without me/us, how miserable he is at home (because who's cooking him meals and doing his laundry if I'm not there? Certainly not the woman he left me for), but he obviously doesn't mean these things if he can argue with me about how he's in the right for carrying on with the other woman still? He actually defends her and their relationship to me, and argued with me that we are "separated" so he can do what he wants and I can't say anything. What a nice fucking guy. He told me the other day that he doesn't think he deserves me, that he's sorry that he did this to me, but he STILL continues. He's not sorry, a man with a conscience or a soul that was sorry would stop what he was doing and try to make it right. He doesn't want to stop, let alone even attempt to make it right. I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't in love with me and begin the process of moving on. I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this. Whatever else has gone on and is going on for Mike, I do not deserve to be disprespected like this and treated this badly. My heart is broken, for myself and for Iris, but we will be ok and I will get stronger. I don't feel strong at this point, I crave his attention and love like nothing I have ever known. I need his acceptance. But I will get past this, somehow, sometime, and I just have to keep telling myself this until I believe or it starts to be reality. I love Mike so much, but I will stop this eventually and will manage to build a wonderful like for Iris, and for me with her.
Iris:
My perfect angel finally has a beautiful bedroom all set-up at my parents. It's a great room for her and it has a nice warm, cozy feel to it, like her last bedroom. Packing up her room was so hard in Nashville because it was so beautiful and had such a great feel, and this room now has that feeling too! My parents did a wonderful job making it look beautiful for her. Today she actually rolled on to her side for the first time, it was a big moment! She is moving more, rolling around and taking everything in so much more. It's amazing to see how she changes and grows, I'm blown away by her every day! Her smiling and laughing make the day, it's awesome! She's so alert and interested, her little head looks around and takes everything in. She has been sleeping a little bit better each night, she is now having a longer sleep stretch for the first part of the night (8+ hours) and then a feed and another two or three hours of sleep before starting the day, all of which is great. I'm hoping that she will be more comfortable in her room, and feel more settled, and maybe she will go back to sleeping through the night, it seemed to work well for her day schedule, and certainly made a huge difference to me when getting up to feed her! :-) Love that gorgeous baby!
Legally:
Attempted to purchase a garment rack from Walmart (with Mike's approval) with our joint account, but the next day Walmart emailed that they had to cancel the order. It was $44 that was refunded directly to our account. My parents purchased the rack from Amazon.com for me instead. Haven't used our account for anything else recently. We had a serious conversation this week, for the first time really, that led to an argument and a total disagreement on where we are and what we're feeling. Two different people called Mike's superiors to let them know about the relationship, one he thinks from work and one from a 919 area code. He is not being fired, nor is the other woman, and he only received a write-up in his file. He is still communicating in a romantic, non-professional way with Jennifer at this point, and has no intention of ending their relationship. He said that he thinks he will have to move to Raleigh if he wants to be with Iris and I, and doesn' t know if he wants to leave his friends in Nashville.
Feelings:
Mike is selfish. What kind of man, husband and father says something like "I don't know if I want to leave my friends here" when discussing his future with his family. And really, he will have to move if he stays with Drury anyway, likely this summer unless the write-up has a negative effect (which why would it, he's just cheating on his wife and deserting his family, surely that reflects a strong character in one of your management staff), so what does it even matter, except that he's making MORE excuses for himself and his awful behavior? He says things to me about loving me, missing me, how tough it is to be without me/us, how miserable he is at home (because who's cooking him meals and doing his laundry if I'm not there? Certainly not the woman he left me for), but he obviously doesn't mean these things if he can argue with me about how he's in the right for carrying on with the other woman still? He actually defends her and their relationship to me, and argued with me that we are "separated" so he can do what he wants and I can't say anything. What a nice fucking guy. He told me the other day that he doesn't think he deserves me, that he's sorry that he did this to me, but he STILL continues. He's not sorry, a man with a conscience or a soul that was sorry would stop what he was doing and try to make it right. He doesn't want to stop, let alone even attempt to make it right. I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't in love with me and begin the process of moving on. I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this. Whatever else has gone on and is going on for Mike, I do not deserve to be disprespected like this and treated this badly. My heart is broken, for myself and for Iris, but we will be ok and I will get stronger. I don't feel strong at this point, I crave his attention and love like nothing I have ever known. I need his acceptance. But I will get past this, somehow, sometime, and I just have to keep telling myself this until I believe or it starts to be reality. I love Mike so much, but I will stop this eventually and will manage to build a wonderful like for Iris, and for me with her.
Iris:
My perfect angel finally has a beautiful bedroom all set-up at my parents. It's a great room for her and it has a nice warm, cozy feel to it, like her last bedroom. Packing up her room was so hard in Nashville because it was so beautiful and had such a great feel, and this room now has that feeling too! My parents did a wonderful job making it look beautiful for her. Today she actually rolled on to her side for the first time, it was a big moment! She is moving more, rolling around and taking everything in so much more. It's amazing to see how she changes and grows, I'm blown away by her every day! Her smiling and laughing make the day, it's awesome! She's so alert and interested, her little head looks around and takes everything in. She has been sleeping a little bit better each night, she is now having a longer sleep stretch for the first part of the night (8+ hours) and then a feed and another two or three hours of sleep before starting the day, all of which is great. I'm hoping that she will be more comfortable in her room, and feel more settled, and maybe she will go back to sleeping through the night, it seemed to work well for her day schedule, and certainly made a huge difference to me when getting up to feed her! :-) Love that gorgeous baby!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
So confused....
Legally:
Bought Iris formula and a car mirror today ($30 at Walmart), also transferred $15 from joint checking to my account for Mike's half of diapers ($30 for 264 from BJ's). Mike is now depositing his check in to his own account and transferring money to our joint account. He said that he trusts that I won't use his money for anything other than Iris, but still felt the need to move his direct deposit to his own account.
Feelings:
I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I am overrun with feelings and thoughts all day long, along with everyone else's feelings and thoughts, and it's just too much. Mike is all over the place and I can't keep up, I don't know what he's feeling or where he's at in his process. He said this morning that he hasn't spoken to the other woman since Friday, but how can I believe that at this point? He told me tonight (via email) that he doesn't feel he deserves me, that I'm the best person he knows, but then why do this to me if that's the case? And why would he want me to leave and move his money so I can't touch it (even though he put most of it in to our account, so technically I could still "steal" it if that's what he thinks I'm going to do), if I'm the best person he knows? It hurt a lot this morning to realize that he doesn't trust me with money and felt the need to do that, even though I have never exploited him financially. I take only what Iris needs and I always let him know, it was just mean. It was like putting a passcode on his phone after I had already left, why do that?! Unless the passcode was only while he was in Asheville and we were sharing a room....ugh, even still. He broke the trust, why is he still turning it around on me? And why do I love him when he continues to neglect me and treat me badly?! When will I be strong enough to stand up for myself and stop giving in to him?
I feel like my love for him in diminishing. As it should, I guess. Or maybe I am starting to see it for what it was, love that wasn't grounded in real life and true understanding of one another. Maybe this is really Mike and I just didn't get to know him well enough. Maybe I always knew he was this selfish and self-serving and I just thought I could change him. And if that's the case, I shouldn't have married someone that I wanted to change, right? I think I didn't think of it as selfish, just 'bachelor' and that he would adjust with a little bit of time, because I worth making the effort and giving love to. Am I not worth giving love to? Am I really so bad that I don't deserve to be loved back and cared for? I think i am worth at least some love, which Mike's actions have not shown to me for months now. He must really hate me to be able to do this and keep doing it, knowing how much it has hurt and how heartbroken I am/have been. And to keep kissing her and having sex with, and brining her sex positions in to our marriage, it just blows my mind the level or disrespect and hatred that he must have. How will that ever be repaired, for either of us?!
I'm too sad to go on tonight, I give up.
Iris:
We had a tough day, she cries and I don't know what to do. She is completely taken care of and still cries. So today, I cried too. I just needed to finish applying for a job, because I need a job to support my baby, and I couldn't even do it. She is so beautiful and was so well-behaved the rest of the afternoon, but for the morning and the early afternoon, I just didn't know what I was going to do. We took her to Sweet Tomatoes for an early dinner and she was an angel, she just watched and smiled the whole time. I even gave her a taste of vanilla icecream, she seemed interested though not completely sold on it yet (I'm a bad parent, I know)! Love that sweet girl!
Bought Iris formula and a car mirror today ($30 at Walmart), also transferred $15 from joint checking to my account for Mike's half of diapers ($30 for 264 from BJ's). Mike is now depositing his check in to his own account and transferring money to our joint account. He said that he trusts that I won't use his money for anything other than Iris, but still felt the need to move his direct deposit to his own account.
Feelings:
I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I am overrun with feelings and thoughts all day long, along with everyone else's feelings and thoughts, and it's just too much. Mike is all over the place and I can't keep up, I don't know what he's feeling or where he's at in his process. He said this morning that he hasn't spoken to the other woman since Friday, but how can I believe that at this point? He told me tonight (via email) that he doesn't feel he deserves me, that I'm the best person he knows, but then why do this to me if that's the case? And why would he want me to leave and move his money so I can't touch it (even though he put most of it in to our account, so technically I could still "steal" it if that's what he thinks I'm going to do), if I'm the best person he knows? It hurt a lot this morning to realize that he doesn't trust me with money and felt the need to do that, even though I have never exploited him financially. I take only what Iris needs and I always let him know, it was just mean. It was like putting a passcode on his phone after I had already left, why do that?! Unless the passcode was only while he was in Asheville and we were sharing a room....ugh, even still. He broke the trust, why is he still turning it around on me? And why do I love him when he continues to neglect me and treat me badly?! When will I be strong enough to stand up for myself and stop giving in to him?
I feel like my love for him in diminishing. As it should, I guess. Or maybe I am starting to see it for what it was, love that wasn't grounded in real life and true understanding of one another. Maybe this is really Mike and I just didn't get to know him well enough. Maybe I always knew he was this selfish and self-serving and I just thought I could change him. And if that's the case, I shouldn't have married someone that I wanted to change, right? I think I didn't think of it as selfish, just 'bachelor' and that he would adjust with a little bit of time, because I worth making the effort and giving love to. Am I not worth giving love to? Am I really so bad that I don't deserve to be loved back and cared for? I think i am worth at least some love, which Mike's actions have not shown to me for months now. He must really hate me to be able to do this and keep doing it, knowing how much it has hurt and how heartbroken I am/have been. And to keep kissing her and having sex with, and brining her sex positions in to our marriage, it just blows my mind the level or disrespect and hatred that he must have. How will that ever be repaired, for either of us?!
I'm too sad to go on tonight, I give up.
Iris:
We had a tough day, she cries and I don't know what to do. She is completely taken care of and still cries. So today, I cried too. I just needed to finish applying for a job, because I need a job to support my baby, and I couldn't even do it. She is so beautiful and was so well-behaved the rest of the afternoon, but for the morning and the early afternoon, I just didn't know what I was going to do. We took her to Sweet Tomatoes for an early dinner and she was an angel, she just watched and smiled the whole time. I even gave her a taste of vanilla icecream, she seemed interested though not completely sold on it yet (I'm a bad parent, I know)! Love that sweet girl!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Pissed off
Legally:
We talked very little this weekend. We spoke on the phone this afternoon, and then skyped with Iris later in the evening. I had to use our debit card at Harris Teeter, so transferred the money used as soon as I got home back in to our joint account. Need to buy formula tomorrow, paid $30 for diapers out of my own money.
Feelings:
Mike is a selfish asshole. He doesn't ask how I am doing, how I am feeling, anything. Mainly, I would assume, because he doesn't care. We spoke on the phone today, but I guaranteed I wasn't the first call he made when he got in the car to drive back to Nashville. He thinks of himself and only himself. He just texted me about a hotel next weekend when he comes to visit. He is so selfish, and so thoughtless, tha the can't even conceive of why it would be better to stay closer to my parents house while he's here. Forget that he should actually see my parents and look them in the face, but he won't even stay close to them. I hate mysel for being able to love someone that is so selfish, thoughtless, heartless. I still can't understand how it's all possible. I saw a therapist today, a new one who is covered by insurance, and she was good. She wasn't fake or overly polite about the situation, but she did say that Mike was bullshit and that his self-serving behavior is here to stay unless he makes BIG changes. Unlikely at this point, as he's still in love with his mistress whore and doesn't feel any real remorse for ruining Iris and I's lives. I really do think I'm just becoming to hate Mike. He's weak, cowardly, unloving, and truly selfish, and I don't know how I couldn't see all of these things before. Bleh.
Iris:
She is wonderful, per usual. She slept more today after a non-sleep day yesterda and finally went down to bed tonight around 9p. She is eating well and is a great baby overll. I would LOVE to have a partner to do this all with me and enjoy her many faces and new personality, but we are enjoying each day today.
We talked very little this weekend. We spoke on the phone this afternoon, and then skyped with Iris later in the evening. I had to use our debit card at Harris Teeter, so transferred the money used as soon as I got home back in to our joint account. Need to buy formula tomorrow, paid $30 for diapers out of my own money.
Feelings:
Mike is a selfish asshole. He doesn't ask how I am doing, how I am feeling, anything. Mainly, I would assume, because he doesn't care. We spoke on the phone today, but I guaranteed I wasn't the first call he made when he got in the car to drive back to Nashville. He thinks of himself and only himself. He just texted me about a hotel next weekend when he comes to visit. He is so selfish, and so thoughtless, tha the can't even conceive of why it would be better to stay closer to my parents house while he's here. Forget that he should actually see my parents and look them in the face, but he won't even stay close to them. I hate mysel for being able to love someone that is so selfish, thoughtless, heartless. I still can't understand how it's all possible. I saw a therapist today, a new one who is covered by insurance, and she was good. She wasn't fake or overly polite about the situation, but she did say that Mike was bullshit and that his self-serving behavior is here to stay unless he makes BIG changes. Unlikely at this point, as he's still in love with his mistress whore and doesn't feel any real remorse for ruining Iris and I's lives. I really do think I'm just becoming to hate Mike. He's weak, cowardly, unloving, and truly selfish, and I don't know how I couldn't see all of these things before. Bleh.
Iris:
She is wonderful, per usual. She slept more today after a non-sleep day yesterda and finally went down to bed tonight around 9p. She is eating well and is a great baby overll. I would LOVE to have a partner to do this all with me and enjoy her many faces and new personality, but we are enjoying each day today.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Improvement
Things feel less hopeless at this point. All around a little better, though nothing has really changed or improved.
Legally:
Iris had her 2 month check-up on Thursday. She weighs 9.8lbs and had 5 immunizations (3 shots in her leg and one oral). I spent money this week on formula (Tues), $20 for her Dr. appt (Thurs), $8.21 at Lowe's for kid's relief pain reliever (Thurs).
Mike and I have been having good conversations as the week has progressed, though not about anything legal. He has mentioned wanting to move out of the townhouse, but doesn't know if it's worth the effort overall. He booked a flight to visit Iris 1/26-28. We did discuss, financially, him putting Meredith's rent check in and me moving the HOA dues payment to my own account starting next month.
Feeling:
I'm ok. I miss Mike and still want to make this all go away and us to just be happy. But I know that it's not that easy and I'm starting to feel like I would live if all of this really does fall apart. I don't want our marriage to be over and I am certain that we could be in love again and make each other happy for the long haul, but I would be ok if Mike ultimately fails me and doesn't try to work on our marriage. I still think he doesn't understand that he is a particiapt in the demise of our relationship, that his feelings just disappeared without reason. If he had just tried to make himself happy with me, just made some effort in making me (as in "give love to receive love") happy, this might not have happened. Does he not realize that everything can't just be given to him, that he has to participate and give love in order to get it back in the way that he wants? And I'm not even saying that I didn't do my best to make him happy every day, I truly feel that I have done that, but him trying would have been such a boost for himself if nothing else. I gave my all to Mike every day, through my words, my affection, cooking, cleaning, loving our pets, taking care of things in our lives, and yet all of these things did not make Mike feel loved or satisfy his needs. I am at such a loss as to what will make him happy if these things aren't it, what else is left? We are loving and intimate, I shower him with compliments and affection, on top of our "romantic" relationship (which dwindled right before the baby, but come on, and that timing also coincides with when his relationship took off with the whore, AND he didn't want it when I still he, he rejected me for a full week straight before I gave up), what else can I do?! I'm so defeated and rejected, how will this ever get better???
Iris:
Our beautiful angel is 9 weeks old yesterday! She is feeling ok after her shots and is sleeping fairly well through the nights (usually up once in the middle of the night this week). She smiles at me a lot now and is starting to laugh too! She LOVES her activity mat, especially the lights on the fisher price mat. She is still having fussy periods in the day, usually late afternoon is the worst, but once she is asleep for the night, she stays down well. She's a happy and healthy girl! <3
Legally:
Iris had her 2 month check-up on Thursday. She weighs 9.8lbs and had 5 immunizations (3 shots in her leg and one oral). I spent money this week on formula (Tues), $20 for her Dr. appt (Thurs), $8.21 at Lowe's for kid's relief pain reliever (Thurs).
Mike and I have been having good conversations as the week has progressed, though not about anything legal. He has mentioned wanting to move out of the townhouse, but doesn't know if it's worth the effort overall. He booked a flight to visit Iris 1/26-28. We did discuss, financially, him putting Meredith's rent check in and me moving the HOA dues payment to my own account starting next month.
Feeling:
I'm ok. I miss Mike and still want to make this all go away and us to just be happy. But I know that it's not that easy and I'm starting to feel like I would live if all of this really does fall apart. I don't want our marriage to be over and I am certain that we could be in love again and make each other happy for the long haul, but I would be ok if Mike ultimately fails me and doesn't try to work on our marriage. I still think he doesn't understand that he is a particiapt in the demise of our relationship, that his feelings just disappeared without reason. If he had just tried to make himself happy with me, just made some effort in making me (as in "give love to receive love") happy, this might not have happened. Does he not realize that everything can't just be given to him, that he has to participate and give love in order to get it back in the way that he wants? And I'm not even saying that I didn't do my best to make him happy every day, I truly feel that I have done that, but him trying would have been such a boost for himself if nothing else. I gave my all to Mike every day, through my words, my affection, cooking, cleaning, loving our pets, taking care of things in our lives, and yet all of these things did not make Mike feel loved or satisfy his needs. I am at such a loss as to what will make him happy if these things aren't it, what else is left? We are loving and intimate, I shower him with compliments and affection, on top of our "romantic" relationship (which dwindled right before the baby, but come on, and that timing also coincides with when his relationship took off with the whore, AND he didn't want it when I still he, he rejected me for a full week straight before I gave up), what else can I do?! I'm so defeated and rejected, how will this ever get better???
Iris:
Our beautiful angel is 9 weeks old yesterday! She is feeling ok after her shots and is sleeping fairly well through the nights (usually up once in the middle of the night this week). She smiles at me a lot now and is starting to laugh too! She LOVES her activity mat, especially the lights on the fisher price mat. She is still having fussy periods in the day, usually late afternoon is the worst, but once she is asleep for the night, she stays down well. She's a happy and healthy girl! <3
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Total Confusion...
First, yesterday:
Legally:
Mike and I had a good conversation in the morning regarding "business" matters. Lloyd's vet visit, the renter's check, insurance things for Iris, etc. It was a productive call. We also skyped last night, so that Mike could see Iris. She promptly fell asleep within 5 minutes of the chat, but I tried. We discussed Mike's feelings and how he was doing and he mentioned (again) wanting to find a one-bedroom apartment and wants to get out of the townhouse. Not sure where this leaves me from a financial obligation, as my name is on the lease and the utilties.
Feelings:
I have no idea. I'm so angry with him for not caring. And for being able to do this to me. And for not even trying to stop, even now. I'm angry that he still puts this all on me and is still lying to his family and friends abotu what has honestly gone on. He told Mary that I left because he "couldn't give me what I wanted right now, and couldn't love me back enough". This is true, but this is NOT why I left. I left because I had asked for one thing in order for me to stay in our marital home as a family: that he NOT communicate with the whore and try and make an effort to engage himself in our marriage, to try and get back some of his lost feelings. He DID NOT stop communicating with the woman, that was why I left. Plain and simple. He "can't:" stop and "isn't in control of his feelings"....what a crock of shit. So now, on top of wanting me to leave our home, which is the other main reason I had to leave, he is playing the pity party card and telling all of his friends and family that he's sad, lonely, and miserable because I left because things have been difficult for us. WTF. I mean, really. I was willing to sit it out if reality was that Mike just didn't love me back enough and needed time. I was willing to go to counseling and do whatever it took to get those feelings back for Mike, so that we could be happy and be a family. But I cannot sit around and make a home for a man that can't even try and give half of his efforts to me, his wife. He said that I was putting words in his mouth when I say that I'm not number one in Mike's life, but how can I be number one if he puts some other woman's feelings above mine, every. single. time.?! He hates me so much at this point that I don't even know if there's any chance of recovery, but having another person involved only adds to the distance between us.
Also note that is all of the above words, none of them addressed my feelings. We still don't really do that. Because it's about Mike. It's the Mike show, even now. He doesn't care about how I'm feeling or doing. I don't even think he cares much that he has literally ended my world, as I knew it, and pushed me in to creating a completely new one at age 30, with a new born. Alone. I am without a partner, without a love and best friend, and he's feeling sorry for himself because the house, that he didn't want me in, feels empty and sad. No shit it does. I put the home in to that house. And still he continues with a woman that will never love him or treat him the way that I do. She would not stick around for two months after finding out that he is cheating on her. She will not love him at his worst, and will not forgive him every time he gets angry and says all of the meanest things he can think of at once, just to hurt her. Ugh, anyway, I'm alone and I hate it. I miss Mike. I miss my home and my family, pets included. And to top it off, he keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. Actually no, he tells me he misses both Iris and I, which really equates to Iris, not me. He loves me, like one loves a pet gerbil, but he is not in love with me. He resents and despises me.
Alas, life continues and so must I.
Iris:
The beautiful baby was two months old yesterday and she's wonderful! She had her two month appointment today which included immuizations, resulting in three shots to her beautiful chubby thighs. It's possibyl the most heartbreaking thing to see your perfect child be stuck with a needle, she was miserable and spend a lot of the evening screaming, due to tiredness and injection site pain, I think. My Dad and I took her for a walk to try and put her to sleep, which worked temporarily, but ultimately, she eventually screamed herself to sleep in my arms, and sometimes my Mom's arms. Such a gorgeous baby, and such a happy baby most of the time. She's growing "like a weed" as the doctor said, which he was really happy with. Love that beautiful angel, she makes it all worthwhile!!
Legally:
Mike and I had a good conversation in the morning regarding "business" matters. Lloyd's vet visit, the renter's check, insurance things for Iris, etc. It was a productive call. We also skyped last night, so that Mike could see Iris. She promptly fell asleep within 5 minutes of the chat, but I tried. We discussed Mike's feelings and how he was doing and he mentioned (again) wanting to find a one-bedroom apartment and wants to get out of the townhouse. Not sure where this leaves me from a financial obligation, as my name is on the lease and the utilties.
Feelings:
I have no idea. I'm so angry with him for not caring. And for being able to do this to me. And for not even trying to stop, even now. I'm angry that he still puts this all on me and is still lying to his family and friends abotu what has honestly gone on. He told Mary that I left because he "couldn't give me what I wanted right now, and couldn't love me back enough". This is true, but this is NOT why I left. I left because I had asked for one thing in order for me to stay in our marital home as a family: that he NOT communicate with the whore and try and make an effort to engage himself in our marriage, to try and get back some of his lost feelings. He DID NOT stop communicating with the woman, that was why I left. Plain and simple. He "can't:" stop and "isn't in control of his feelings"....what a crock of shit. So now, on top of wanting me to leave our home, which is the other main reason I had to leave, he is playing the pity party card and telling all of his friends and family that he's sad, lonely, and miserable because I left because things have been difficult for us. WTF. I mean, really. I was willing to sit it out if reality was that Mike just didn't love me back enough and needed time. I was willing to go to counseling and do whatever it took to get those feelings back for Mike, so that we could be happy and be a family. But I cannot sit around and make a home for a man that can't even try and give half of his efforts to me, his wife. He said that I was putting words in his mouth when I say that I'm not number one in Mike's life, but how can I be number one if he puts some other woman's feelings above mine, every. single. time.?! He hates me so much at this point that I don't even know if there's any chance of recovery, but having another person involved only adds to the distance between us.
Also note that is all of the above words, none of them addressed my feelings. We still don't really do that. Because it's about Mike. It's the Mike show, even now. He doesn't care about how I'm feeling or doing. I don't even think he cares much that he has literally ended my world, as I knew it, and pushed me in to creating a completely new one at age 30, with a new born. Alone. I am without a partner, without a love and best friend, and he's feeling sorry for himself because the house, that he didn't want me in, feels empty and sad. No shit it does. I put the home in to that house. And still he continues with a woman that will never love him or treat him the way that I do. She would not stick around for two months after finding out that he is cheating on her. She will not love him at his worst, and will not forgive him every time he gets angry and says all of the meanest things he can think of at once, just to hurt her. Ugh, anyway, I'm alone and I hate it. I miss Mike. I miss my home and my family, pets included. And to top it off, he keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. Actually no, he tells me he misses both Iris and I, which really equates to Iris, not me. He loves me, like one loves a pet gerbil, but he is not in love with me. He resents and despises me.
Alas, life continues and so must I.
Iris:
The beautiful baby was two months old yesterday and she's wonderful! She had her two month appointment today which included immuizations, resulting in three shots to her beautiful chubby thighs. It's possibyl the most heartbreaking thing to see your perfect child be stuck with a needle, she was miserable and spend a lot of the evening screaming, due to tiredness and injection site pain, I think. My Dad and I took her for a walk to try and put her to sleep, which worked temporarily, but ultimately, she eventually screamed herself to sleep in my arms, and sometimes my Mom's arms. Such a gorgeous baby, and such a happy baby most of the time. She's growing "like a weed" as the doctor said, which he was really happy with. Love that beautiful angel, she makes it all worthwhile!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Day One of my unwanted new life...
So, the other side of marriage. The one where your marriage falls apart after one or both of you does something really, really bad. That's where I am these days. This blog is intended for self expression and documentation purposes only and should not be held against me, ever, if Mike and I manage to save our marriage (not looking good at this point...just saying).
Here's how I'm going to do each post:
-Documentation of anything that might be used in court
-My feelings (heaven help us)
-Iris: pictures, what big thing happened today, etc.
So, on day one of being a full resident in my parents home, with my 8 week old baby, I am sad.
For the courts:
Mike agreed that he overreacted yesterday (out of anger over the coffee maker, among other [lack of] things and said that he would not close our joint account. He said he would continue to pay our/my bills until I have a job. He said that he didn't want to put that financial burden on me right now. He ignored my call in the evening, after we had texted earlier in the day (I was calling to ask about the renter's check, Lloyd's missed vet visit, and why he's such an asshat and whether he's still fucking a woman at work-literally, they haven't even spent a night having normal sex in bed with sleeping afterwards).
For me:
I am still devastated. I feel like a walking zombie still, most of the time. I am trying to do my best for Iris, though being the perfect creature, I think she deserves more than this and I want to be the best version of myself for her. I am furious with Mike, though it's sometimes are to pinpoint just one thing, as I am now reeling with too many feelings and thoughts about why our marriage failed (
apart from the obvious "he slept with and fell in love with another woman" thing). Today, I'm mad that he didn't try at all to make things happier, for himself or for me. I'm mad that he didn't tell me he was unhappy before resorting to someone else for happiness. I'm pissed that he called me selfish for bringing Iris to Raleigh, when in reality this is absolutely best for her, as it's best for me.
Mike has no idea how this really feels. To have your heart shredded, multiple times, by the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend. To have everything you thought was certain, removed. To have your world literally thrown upside down, with me just scrambling to try and pick up the shattered pieces. He has no idea how this feels, while he stays comfortable in his job, home and with his new "love of his life". For me, staying in Nashville was just no longer an option at all. He is still in love with someone that isn't me and isn't trying to stop or to fix our marriage, at all. He didn't want me in our home anymore. So, beaten down, miserable, defeated and completely lacking in any self-esteem and self-worth, I removed myself from Mike's world, per his wishes. And along with that comes Iris. Mike doesn't want me to call him a bad father, but he is absolutely mediocre at best. He isn't home much (a side effect of having a relationship at work no doubt), and when he is home is thinking about how hard his life is because he's in love with someone that isn't living in his home. He's changed a handfull of diapers in 8 weeks (not an exaggeration) and has gotten up ONCE to feed her. It was really nice of him to do it and I was so grateful, but honestly, ONCE. And he calls himself a good Dad because he sits on the couch and watches sports and pretends to care for her. Real parents do a little more than that, and would know how to do more, should the occassion arise. He doesn't know how to make formula, how to bath her alone, how to take care of her. I do all of these things. And even with a broken heart, I do them all to the best of my ability. I removed Iris and I from this shitty situation that was Nashville these days so that I could regain my strength, and could then be the best Mother I can be to her. I need to have self-worth and security in my surroundings so that I can provide that to her, so that she can learn how important those things are. I want her to know how wonderful and amazing she is so that this never happens to her, and I can't do that if I'm being emotionally and mentally beaten down every day by a man that's supposed to love me, but doesn't.
Speaking of selfish, how ridiculous is it that Mike even gets to complain about what I took from the house? He has actually destroyed my world and he has the audacity to shout about a coffee maker?! What a douche bag. The 'Mike Show' lives on, that's for sure. Not to mention the lack of love, the lack of interest in anything I do, say or am, is overwhelming. The lack of orgasms doesn't help either. I think I hate Mike so much I wonder how I ever loved him so much, but then I admit that I still love him more than anything else and still hope that there's hope for us in the future. I don't know how, because he won't go to counseling, but I want so badly for our marriage to be saved. I hope that I can forgive him and that he can forgive me (he needs to get over it, she's fucking perfect and he wanted a fucking family-what a control freak), and ultimately we can come out of this on the other side, better for it all. Realistically, this seems extremely unlikely. But the Cinderella in me really hopes that it works out.
That's it for now, I'll be back to vent a lot more later.
Oh, and today Iris really did grab hold of a lot of things and know about it. She spent a few hours in the Becco carrier and loved it, and has been smiling soo much at everyone. She's perfect! She is the shining light in all of this mess, she truly makes every day worth living!
Here's how I'm going to do each post:
-Documentation of anything that might be used in court
-My feelings (heaven help us)
-Iris: pictures, what big thing happened today, etc.
So, on day one of being a full resident in my parents home, with my 8 week old baby, I am sad.
For the courts:
Mike agreed that he overreacted yesterday (out of anger over the coffee maker, among other [lack of] things and said that he would not close our joint account. He said he would continue to pay our/my bills until I have a job. He said that he didn't want to put that financial burden on me right now. He ignored my call in the evening, after we had texted earlier in the day (I was calling to ask about the renter's check, Lloyd's missed vet visit, and why he's such an asshat and whether he's still fucking a woman at work-literally, they haven't even spent a night having normal sex in bed with sleeping afterwards).
For me:
I am still devastated. I feel like a walking zombie still, most of the time. I am trying to do my best for Iris, though being the perfect creature, I think she deserves more than this and I want to be the best version of myself for her. I am furious with Mike, though it's sometimes are to pinpoint just one thing, as I am now reeling with too many feelings and thoughts about why our marriage failed (
apart from the obvious "he slept with and fell in love with another woman" thing). Today, I'm mad that he didn't try at all to make things happier, for himself or for me. I'm mad that he didn't tell me he was unhappy before resorting to someone else for happiness. I'm pissed that he called me selfish for bringing Iris to Raleigh, when in reality this is absolutely best for her, as it's best for me.
Mike has no idea how this really feels. To have your heart shredded, multiple times, by the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend. To have everything you thought was certain, removed. To have your world literally thrown upside down, with me just scrambling to try and pick up the shattered pieces. He has no idea how this feels, while he stays comfortable in his job, home and with his new "love of his life". For me, staying in Nashville was just no longer an option at all. He is still in love with someone that isn't me and isn't trying to stop or to fix our marriage, at all. He didn't want me in our home anymore. So, beaten down, miserable, defeated and completely lacking in any self-esteem and self-worth, I removed myself from Mike's world, per his wishes. And along with that comes Iris. Mike doesn't want me to call him a bad father, but he is absolutely mediocre at best. He isn't home much (a side effect of having a relationship at work no doubt), and when he is home is thinking about how hard his life is because he's in love with someone that isn't living in his home. He's changed a handfull of diapers in 8 weeks (not an exaggeration) and has gotten up ONCE to feed her. It was really nice of him to do it and I was so grateful, but honestly, ONCE. And he calls himself a good Dad because he sits on the couch and watches sports and pretends to care for her. Real parents do a little more than that, and would know how to do more, should the occassion arise. He doesn't know how to make formula, how to bath her alone, how to take care of her. I do all of these things. And even with a broken heart, I do them all to the best of my ability. I removed Iris and I from this shitty situation that was Nashville these days so that I could regain my strength, and could then be the best Mother I can be to her. I need to have self-worth and security in my surroundings so that I can provide that to her, so that she can learn how important those things are. I want her to know how wonderful and amazing she is so that this never happens to her, and I can't do that if I'm being emotionally and mentally beaten down every day by a man that's supposed to love me, but doesn't.
Speaking of selfish, how ridiculous is it that Mike even gets to complain about what I took from the house? He has actually destroyed my world and he has the audacity to shout about a coffee maker?! What a douche bag. The 'Mike Show' lives on, that's for sure. Not to mention the lack of love, the lack of interest in anything I do, say or am, is overwhelming. The lack of orgasms doesn't help either. I think I hate Mike so much I wonder how I ever loved him so much, but then I admit that I still love him more than anything else and still hope that there's hope for us in the future. I don't know how, because he won't go to counseling, but I want so badly for our marriage to be saved. I hope that I can forgive him and that he can forgive me (he needs to get over it, she's fucking perfect and he wanted a fucking family-what a control freak), and ultimately we can come out of this on the other side, better for it all. Realistically, this seems extremely unlikely. But the Cinderella in me really hopes that it works out.
That's it for now, I'll be back to vent a lot more later.
Oh, and today Iris really did grab hold of a lot of things and know about it. She spent a few hours in the Becco carrier and loved it, and has been smiling soo much at everyone. She's perfect! She is the shining light in all of this mess, she truly makes every day worth living!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)