Total Confusion...

First, yesterday:

Legally:
Mike and I had a good conversation in the morning regarding "business" matters.  Lloyd's vet visit, the renter's check, insurance things for Iris, etc.  It was a productive call.  We also skyped last night, so that Mike could see Iris.  She promptly fell asleep within 5 minutes of the chat, but I tried.  We discussed Mike's feelings and how he was doing and he mentioned (again) wanting to find a one-bedroom apartment and wants to get out of the townhouse.  Not sure where this leaves me from a financial obligation, as my name is on the lease and the utilties.

Feelings:
I have no idea.  I'm so angry with him for not caring.  And for being able to do this to me.  And for not even trying to stop, even now.  I'm angry that he still puts this all on me and is still lying to his family and friends abotu what has honestly gone on.  He told Mary that I left because he "couldn't give me what I wanted right now, and couldn't love me back enough".  This is true, but this is NOT why I left.  I left because I had asked for one thing in order for me to stay in our marital home as a family: that he NOT communicate with the whore and try and make an effort to engage himself in our marriage, to try and get back some of his lost feelings.  He DID NOT stop communicating with the woman, that was why I left.  Plain and simple.  He "can't:" stop and "isn't in control of his feelings"....what a crock of shit.  So now, on top of wanting me to leave our home, which is the other main reason I had to leave, he is playing the pity party card and telling all of his friends and family that he's sad, lonely, and miserable because I left because things have been difficult for us.  WTF.  I mean, really.  I was willing to sit it out if reality was that Mike just didn't love me back enough and needed time.  I was willing to go to counseling and do whatever it took to get those feelings back for Mike, so that we could be happy and be a family.  But I cannot sit around and make a home for a man that can't even try and give half of his efforts to me, his wife.  He said that I was putting words in his mouth when I say that I'm not number one in Mike's life, but how can I be number one if he puts some other woman's feelings above mine, every. single. time.?!  He hates me so much at this point that I don't even know if there's any chance of recovery, but having another person involved only adds to the distance between us. 

Also note that is all of the above words, none of them addressed my feelings.  We still don't really do that.  Because it's about Mike.  It's the Mike show, even now.  He doesn't care about how I'm feeling or doing.  I don't even think he cares much that he has literally ended my world, as I knew it, and pushed me in to creating a completely new one at age 30, with a new born.  Alone.  I am without a partner, without a love and best friend, and he's feeling sorry for himself because the house, that he didn't want me in, feels empty and sad.  No shit it does.  I put the home in to that house.  And still he continues with a woman that will never love him or treat him the way that I do.  She would not stick around for two months after finding out that he is cheating on her.  She will not love him at his worst, and will not forgive him every time he gets angry and says all of the meanest things he can think of at once, just to hurt her.  Ugh, anyway, I'm alone and I hate it.  I miss Mike.  I miss my home and my family, pets included.  And to top it off, he keeps telling me he loves me and misses me.  Actually no, he tells me he misses both Iris and I, which really equates to Iris, not me.  He loves me, like one loves a pet gerbil, but he is not in love with me.  He resents and despises me.

Alas, life continues and so must I.

Iris:
The beautiful baby was two months old yesterday and she's wonderful!  She had her two month appointment today which included immuizations, resulting in three shots to her beautiful chubby thighs.  It's possibyl the most heartbreaking thing to see your perfect child be stuck with a needle, she was miserable and spend a lot of the evening screaming, due to tiredness and injection site pain, I think.  My Dad and I took her for a walk to try and put her to sleep, which worked temporarily, but ultimately, she eventually screamed herself to sleep in my arms, and sometimes my Mom's arms.  Such a gorgeous baby, and such a happy baby most of the time.  She's growing "like a weed" as the doctor said, which he was really happy with.  Love that beautiful angel, she makes it all worthwhile!!