Bottom Lines

Legally:
Mike is here to visit this weekend.  We are meeting with the minister at our local church today to discuss christening details for Iris.  Mike and I had a longer conversation last night regarding our situation.  He does not want to move forward with legal proceedings, nor does he really even want to discuss them.  He mentioned that he did not agree to Iris leaving the state (not true at all) and that I should have tried harder to stay in TN so that he could see her.  He also said that he is still communicating with HER and that he still has feelings for her, and that she might be a better fit for him.

Feelings:
I finally stated my bottom line last night: that I won't be moving away from here.  I think he knew it, but it was good to go ahead and say it out loud and have it on the table.  Mike said that he didn't know if he wanted to move here, and that he still doesn't feel strongly enough about he and I to do that at this point.  I guess he doesn't realize that he will never feel that strongly for me as long as he's spreading his feelings over two women.  Which he is, still.  I feel heart broken all over again today, I let myself get my hopes up that he might actually be stopping that relationship and actually want to save our marriage.  He did say Sorry last night, and he did admit that his actions are the reason we are in the situation we are in now.  We talked more about the baby and the pregnancy, and my reasons for doing that, and we talked a little about why he cheated (that the pregnancy had a lot to do with it and he doesn't think he would have done it if the pregnancy had been different), and he said that he should have stopped and didn't, and let it get too far.  He also now says that he wonders if he has a better connection with her, if they are a better fit.  I think that's his way of saying that he think that they are, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.  But it's not real, they don't have a real relationship yet, it's still pretend, it isn't based in real life.  I just don't think I can compete with her when I'm not there, and when she's feeding him all this crap every day.  I have to get out, I have to step back and move away from this emotionally.  I thought I was doing it, but I'm right back here again. 

And I'm swamped with guilt at the moment.  Guilt for what I've done to Iris' life, forever.  I feel awful for creating an environment where she has no father-figure every day, she will only have a Daddy that visits and sees her randomly.  I want the best of everything for her, and that includes a Dad that will be there every day, to see her ride a bike, celebrate exciting things, help her when she's sad or having a tough day.  Because of me, she won't have that. 

Today he said that he would have wanted to wait a few years before having a baby, but that he loves her very much.  He also said that the other woman is moving to CA soon, once her divorce is final (three months in TN).  He said he isn't going to move there, that he doesn't want to be further away from Iris and wouldn't go that far away from her.  But he can't stop his relationship even though it is coming to an end (sometime relatively soon) and he can't say that he could be happy with me, even with her out of the picture.  He said that our expectations for our marriage were different (which I have said before, and which we obviously never discussed openly or honestly), and also that he feels we are competative with each other, which I dont' agree with.  He said that he doesn't have expectations with her, which makes it an easy thing and that they don't fight because of this.  I don't know what all of this means or where it leaves me, but I think it leaves me with a cheating Husband who doesn't want to stop and doesn't love me enough to even try.

Iris:
We arranged a date for her baptism today, which is nice.  She seems happy this weekend with Mike, she had a fussy time last night but has been a good girl since then.  I just put away some more of her clothes that are too small now, so crazy how quickly she grows!  I have to go and get a paper filled out at the doctors and then she is all set for daycare, whenever that is.  Our baby is growing and changing so fast!