Disenchanted

Legally:
Signed Iris up for daycare today.  She starts on March 4th, unless a job dictates otherwise.  There was a $100 deposit that Mike paid.  I closed my personal BBT account yesterday, the account now only has Mike's money and information associated with it.  I received Mike's electric bill in the mail, I let him know this and he can pay it as he wishes.  I did mention that he still needs to update the contact information on the utility accounts.

Feelings:
The counselor used a word I liked today: disenchanted.  We were discussing my stipulations for salvaging our marriage and attempting to make things better, and she said that if he doesn't stop the deceipt and the evading, that things will only get worse for us and I will continue to become more and more disenchanted.  I think this is the perfect word for what I've been feeling more of lately, I am absolutely not in love with Mike the way I used to be.  I don't see him the same way.  To look at him, I feel less overcome with emotion, and to think about him, I just don't really remember good things anymore.  I still have a glimmer of hope for us as a couple, but more and more I can coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is likely over.  There is so much gone wrong, so many lies and so much hurt, that I just don't know if even my optimism can dig out of the hole we're in.  Mike and I emailed back and forth a little yesterday, first about some non-feeling matters (daycare and his bill), and then about the state of affairs after the blow-up on Sunday.  His temail suggested that he just doesn't know if we can be happy together, which I've thought a lot about too over the last two days.  I am not even sure he would know how to begin to make me happy, he doesn't really ask and probably wouldn't be able to give that much of himself to achieve it, and I now wonder if I know how to do this for him.  I thought I did, I thought that I was a good and loving wife every day and that what I was doing was showing him that and making him happy.  But obviously I was wrong.  I just don't know if I can make him happy at this point, because I'm not new and I'm no longer exciting and "different".  There is no way for me to be those things, and if, like a junkie, that's what he craves, then there's no way I can ever be what he wants from here on out.  I hope that Mike realizes that everyone becomes "old" news at some point and that life has to go on, but I don't know if he will ever really get it.  I think of the day in and day out of married life just as all life, it's the same thing for most people on most days, that's just the routine that we create for ourselves and somewhat what society expects of us.  Mike has eluded this in the past by moving and meeting a new woman, until me, and I followed him around and moved to try and keep up, but the move alone wasn't enough to feed the high. 

I don't know if Mike will ever be able to apologize for breaking my heart.  I wonder about this all of the time.  Will he ever be able to open up and tell me the truth, the real truth?  I doubt it.  I have to ove past him, evolve past him in the mother and woman that this has made me.  I am not the same anymore, he and this experience have changed me forever.

Iris:
She made a boyfriend at daycare already!  What a little flirt!  I think she's really going to like it there, the women seem to take great care of the babies and I feel good about this decision.  Not about putting her in care, but about choosing the right place for her at least.  She had a great day yesterday, definitely seems in better spirits being at home.