So, the other side of marriage. The one where your marriage falls apart after one or both of you does something really, really bad. That's where I am these days. This blog is intended for self expression and documentation purposes only and should not be held against me, ever, if Mike and I manage to save our marriage (not looking good at this point...just saying).
Here's how I'm going to do each post:
-Documentation of anything that might be used in court
-My feelings (heaven help us)
-Iris: pictures, what big thing happened today, etc.
So, on day one of being a full resident in my parents home, with my 8 week old baby, I am sad.
For the courts:
Mike agreed that he overreacted yesterday (out of anger over the coffee maker, among other [lack of] things and said that he would not close our joint account. He said he would continue to pay our/my bills until I have a job. He said that he didn't want to put that financial burden on me right now. He ignored my call in the evening, after we had texted earlier in the day (I was calling to ask about the renter's check, Lloyd's missed vet visit, and why he's such an asshat and whether he's still fucking a woman at work-literally, they haven't even spent a night having normal sex in bed with sleeping afterwards).
For me:
I am still devastated. I feel like a walking zombie still, most of the time. I am trying to do my best for Iris, though being the perfect creature, I think she deserves more than this and I want to be the best version of myself for her. I am furious with Mike, though it's sometimes are to pinpoint just one thing, as I am now reeling with too many feelings and thoughts about why our marriage failed (
apart from the obvious "he slept with and fell in love with another woman" thing). Today, I'm mad that he didn't try at all to make things happier, for himself or for me. I'm mad that he didn't tell me he was unhappy before resorting to someone else for happiness. I'm pissed that he called me selfish for bringing Iris to Raleigh, when in reality this is absolutely best for her, as it's best for me.
Mike has no idea how this really feels. To have your heart shredded, multiple times, by the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend. To have everything you thought was certain, removed. To have your world literally thrown upside down, with me just scrambling to try and pick up the shattered pieces. He has no idea how this feels, while he stays comfortable in his job, home and with his new "love of his life". For me, staying in Nashville was just no longer an option at all. He is still in love with someone that isn't me and isn't trying to stop or to fix our marriage, at all. He didn't want me in our home anymore. So, beaten down, miserable, defeated and completely lacking in any self-esteem and self-worth, I removed myself from Mike's world, per his wishes. And along with that comes Iris. Mike doesn't want me to call him a bad father, but he is absolutely mediocre at best. He isn't home much (a side effect of having a relationship at work no doubt), and when he is home is thinking about how hard his life is because he's in love with someone that isn't living in his home. He's changed a handfull of diapers in 8 weeks (not an exaggeration) and has gotten up ONCE to feed her. It was really nice of him to do it and I was so grateful, but honestly, ONCE. And he calls himself a good Dad because he sits on the couch and watches sports and pretends to care for her. Real parents do a little more than that, and would know how to do more, should the occassion arise. He doesn't know how to make formula, how to bath her alone, how to take care of her. I do all of these things. And even with a broken heart, I do them all to the best of my ability. I removed Iris and I from this shitty situation that was Nashville these days so that I could regain my strength, and could then be the best Mother I can be to her. I need to have self-worth and security in my surroundings so that I can provide that to her, so that she can learn how important those things are. I want her to know how wonderful and amazing she is so that this never happens to her, and I can't do that if I'm being emotionally and mentally beaten down every day by a man that's supposed to love me, but doesn't.
Speaking of selfish, how ridiculous is it that Mike even gets to complain about what I took from the house? He has actually destroyed my world and he has the audacity to shout about a coffee maker?! What a douche bag. The 'Mike Show' lives on, that's for sure. Not to mention the lack of love, the lack of interest in anything I do, say or am, is overwhelming. The lack of orgasms doesn't help either. I think I hate Mike so much I wonder how I ever loved him so much, but then I admit that I still love him more than anything else and still hope that there's hope for us in the future. I don't know how, because he won't go to counseling, but I want so badly for our marriage to be saved. I hope that I can forgive him and that he can forgive me (he needs to get over it, she's fucking perfect and he wanted a fucking family-what a control freak), and ultimately we can come out of this on the other side, better for it all. Realistically, this seems extremely unlikely. But the Cinderella in me really hopes that it works out.
That's it for now, I'll be back to vent a lot more later.
Oh, and today Iris really did grab hold of a lot of things and know about it. She spent a few hours in the Becco carrier and loved it, and has been smiling soo much at everyone. She's perfect! She is the shining light in all of this mess, she truly makes every day worth living!
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