After the first visit

Legally:
Mike visited Iris and I this past weekend from Saturday evening-Monday afternoon.  The visit went well, Iris stayed with him both nights and she seemed very happy throughout the weekend.  We split the meals we shared and he paid for his hotel room.  He gave me $20 for gas money.  We discussed a legal separation in greater depth, and at this point it's not something either of us want to pursue.

Feelings:
Still all over the place.  We had a good weekend overall.  It started out uncomfortable, but we discussed a few immediate concerns/points of contention, and once that was done things seemed to improve.  I still love Mike and miss him every day. It's hard to be near him and not want to be affectionate, loving and romantic.  Mike isn't the same way with me, he responds to my affection more than he initiates, which I am aware of even if I can't stop myself.  This is such a hard situation, and every time I think I have something figured out, it changes.  Three weeks now feels like just the right amount of time for me to start making progress with moving on, and then comes and visits and it's all down the drain.  He said that when he was here, he could see being here with Iris and I, and having a nice, happy life.  But I don't believe his heart is fully in it for me.  He loves Iris and wants to be a present father, but his love for me just isn't there enough for either he or I to be happy long-term.  He said that he wakes up some mornings and misses us and wants to be with us, but it isn't every day, and that it needs to be every day for him to make the committment to coming here and trying to be a family again.  This doesn't address the fact that we would have a lot of work to do as a couple, but at least he's being honest (I think).  And in 4-5 months when his lease is up and he is making a decision on what to do next, will I still want to try and make things work?  Right now, I think yes.  But once I have a job and some sense of normalcy, that very well might change.  He still hasn't seen a counselor, which I mentioned again would be a great thing for him.  He needs help even if he doesn't want to make our marriage work.  I also asked him if Jennifer would stand by his side if he did this to her?  He said he hadn't asked and didn't know, my assumption being that he thinks he loves her so much he wouldn't do this to her.  But he did it to me and used to love me that much.  And fyi, that is still going on.  They aren't seeing each other outside of work, he says, but they are still in love and still communicate.  He won't tell me more, though I wish he would, but he isn't prepared to give her up and I don't believe that he isn't seeing her outside of work at all, he did that while I was still there, why wouldn't he now?!  Making out and having sex in their cars is still exciting and dangerous because they could still get in trouble, and it's still "bad" and full of emotion.  It's so awful, I can't stand to think of it and yet can't stop thinking about it.  I tried to imagine kissing another man today, and I just can't imagine it.  It sounds so unappealing, so impossible....how can he do this and feel no guilt?!?! 

Anyway, trying to stay focused on what I can do.  And that's here.  Getting a job, taking care of my precious girl, and enjoying my life with friends and family.

Iris:
She is 12 weeks on Friday!  She is now "talking"-oohing and forming sounds with her mouth on purpose.  We officially switched to cloth diapers today, they seem to work well and I'm hoping that she'll be comfortable in them, even if they do seem huge on her still.  She's growing and changing every day, it's so fun to watch.  We found her a daycare on Monday, we are both comfortable with the place and the people that will be taking care of her.  My mum offered to help with her so that we only have to do three days of daycare a week, which would be nice for Iris and a big help financially for Mike and I, who are splitting the cost 50/50.  I know this isn't what the state would recommend, but we'll try it for now and see how it goes.  Love this baby, and hate the thought of her going in to daycare, but it's what has to happen.  She will be fine, it's just me that likely won't be....