Really Angry

Legally:
We met Mike in Gatlinburg for two nights (Wed-Fri) and had a good visit.  He paid for the hotel, all of the meals other than breakfast on Friday and bought Iris formula.  He wanted to meet as a gesture of his love and commitment to trying to make it work.  Iris and I then went to visit Mike's mother for two nights.  Mike and I had an argument on the phone (I subsequently hung up mid-conversation), that came from an inappropriate tiext that he had sent the night before.  We exchanged other texts after the call, and I later attempted to call him back, having to leave a message.  I apologized for the hang up and explained that he was welcome to call about Iris anytime, but that I would respect his request for "separation" (two days after wanting to be married and loving me in Gatlinburg) and wouldn't contact him this week prior to his visit.  He will be back in Raleigh on Saturday evening for three nights.

Feelings:
I'm so mad I can't see straight.  He has no idea how hard all of this is on everyone, he only thinks about himself.  He sent a really mean, hurtful text message and then refused to apologize for hurting my feelings, because I was "wrong and that's not what it was" or something.  Basically I shouldn't be upset because he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings and therefore I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings.  It's wrong of me.  And then, to make it better, beecause I was mad, he then said that this is why separated people don't talk.  Even thought he didn't want to be separated two days prior when he was having sex with me, telling me he loved me and telling me that he wanted to work things out with me.  What the fuck.  What a moron.  He's so selfish and so awful at communication, how can I have possibly married this man?!?!  And he hates me.  He has to.  That is the only reason someone sends a text message like his, and then turns my hurt feelings in to my fault and it all somehow comes back to what I did wrong in marriage, which validates why he's mean and why he cheated.  What a horrible person. 

He doesn't know how to argue or to take responsibility for anything.  He literally can't make him self say the word sorry, he just can't be wrong.  It's such an awful and weird thing to witness, because he could have shut me up and saved the situation by simply apologizing, but he'd rather us just not talk than admit he did something that wasn't great.  I hate him for what he's done and continues to do to our family and our lives.

He lied to his girlfriend about coming to see us in Gatlinburg.  He told his friends and his girlfriend that he was going to Indiana to see his Dad.  So now, on top of continuing to lie to me and his friends, he's now lying to the new love of his life as well.  And she has no idea.  He doesn't want her to know that he's seeing me freely, telling me he loves me, having a romantic time with me.  He doesn't want to stop his relationship with her in case he and I are really done, then at least he has a back up plan.  Or am I the back up plan?  I'm not sure anymore.  He lies so much, there's no way to know what's real and what's a lie.  But isn't that just the worst thing, that he won't even tell people he's seeing his Wife?!  It's heart breaking every time he does this stuff.  It just keeps getting worse, every time I think it can't.  I know that I have to break free from him, but it's just so hard.  I'm so scared to be a single parent, a single person, and an individual again.  I wanted to be a great wife, a great mother, and to create a wonderful family.  I loved Mike, I really did.  But I hate this Mike now, he's selfish, mean, and unloveable.  He's a very mediocre parent, and an awful Husband.  I know, somewhere within, that I deserve to be treated better, that there will be someone to loves me and appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer in love.  But Mike isn't it anymore I don't think, he can't love me and won't make an effort to even try and begin repairing our love and marriage.  I'm going to be a divorced 30 year old with a child.  I am going to be divorced.  Single.  Alone.  And ultimately I don't know if anyone will ever love me or be able to accept me as I am now, broken, a single parent, diseased, and unloveable?  If all I did for Mike wasn't enough, I don't know what else I can do or what more I can be? 

Iris:
Iris celebrated her 3 month birthday yesterday!  She had a tough few days, I think the driving and constant changes has her worn out and cranky, and she has been crying and fussing a lot.  She's so alert and happy though when she's in the zone, it's awesome!  She's holding herself upright now and she can lift her head well and move it around during tummy time.  Grandma Peg bought her a couple of books with bright pictures and she LOVED them, I am so excited to read them to her again tonight!  She is the bright part of the day even when things are awful, my love for her grows every day and I feel so lucky that I get to see her every day, and not intermittently like Mike.  I worry about her future a lot, but hope that I will learn to be enough and will show her the right way to live life.  I want the absolute best for her and hate that that might be in any way jeopardized because of Mike and I.  I will be the best version of myself and the best Mother I can be, so that she knows right and wrong, how to be confident and strong, and how to think for herself.  She is already such a character, she rules all of us and will likely continue this way for years to come!!