Distance over time

Legally:
Paid my cell phone bill today from our joint account.  No contact with Mike at all today. 

Feelings:
The fact that Mike hurting my feelings on Sunday has led to three days of barely interacting, after a "nice" trip to Gatlinburg, says a lot about the reality of our situation.  Mike obviously feels so strongly for me that he doesn't even want to bother communicating with me today, that he "needs" his space and time apart.  Marriages aren't about time apart, they are about working together to get through tough times and happy times.  Each day I feel a little stronger in my decision to stop loving him, thought that is still going to take a lot of time to actually achieve.  Over and over this week I have been thinking about the lies, one in particular that sticks out.  When Mike was booking my flight back to Nashville for Christmas time (booked over Thanksgiving), I looked at him and asked him if it was a good idea.  He bore in to my eyes with him, touched me, kissed me, and told me it was fine.  He booked the flight for me, and then proceeded to email HER, "she just booked her flight for the week between Christmas and New Year, can't wait to spend the week together.  Can't stand being apart from you, it's excrutiating." The sencond sentence might be a bit of paraphrasing, I can't remember the words exactly, but still.  It has been replaying over and over in my head, how he could look at me and make me believe him, all the while knowing he was lying right to my face, taking advantage of my love for him.  I don't know if he spent the entire week with her in the end, but he lied to me.  And didn't have any remorse about doing it, he couldn't wait to email her and tell her that their time together was happening, because he got rid of me.  That's what hurts the most, not the act of cheating (though that kills me too), but the constant and continuous lies that just keep on coming.  I can't take any more lies, I'm beaten down with them all.  He just won't be honest and I am drowned in the misery of the lies.  Why do I not deserve more than this?  Why am I only worth someone that cares so little he can keep treating me this way?  He can't possibly love me if he can keep this behavior up, I do realize that most of the time.  But I want him to love me so badly, and I'm so defeated after three years of being mentally beaten down, that I'm not sure I can step away.  Maybe I am only worth this, only worth what Mike can give me, I have done things wrong and I am not a wonderful woman by many standards.  I wanted to be enough, and I had hoped that I was, but obviously I am not.  I feel like i will never be enough for anyone at this point. 

Iris:
She's great! She is a beautiful, happy girl and I love her!  I filled out her paperwork for daycare today, will return it next week and get her all set-up.  There are definite patterns in her day now, which is nice, and I am glad to be able to tell the carers about this rather than it being a free-for-all everyday, it makes our days a bit more structured too (not a lot, but a bit!).