Road to Recovery

Legally:
Mike visited last week and we discussed finances a little and our status.  He is still seeing Jennifer, he still loves her, and he met her children.  After the visit, on Thursday, I received a text from Mike with a picture of an email and a comment "that he didnt' know what to do and is about ready to let me file for divorce." The email was sent to Jennifer and contained a lot of harsh, unkind statements and questions to her.  Mike is upset with me because he thinks that I wrote it or had someone write it.  This is not the case at all.  I would not stoop to this level nor am I angry enough to follow-through on doing something so mean and unproductive.  Since then, we emailed and texted a little and then skyped on Sunday so that he could see Iris.  I spent $20 yesterday on formula at Walmart from Mike's account (I texted him to let him know before I did it).

Emotionally:
I feel very differently this week.  I am almost relieved that it's over, that I can be done trying to love Mike as he is now.  Last week was very hard for me and his visit made me very sad overall, and we didn't part of great terms (not bad, just sad more than anything).  I am devastated that he met her children, that he is really considering if he can take on her whole package.  She isn't just her in real life, which I understand because now I am not either, and she is selling Mike on her family and the life they could have together.  I don't know how he really feels about the idea of taking on her children and that responsibility, but I imagine he can't want to raise someone else's kids when he isn't sure if he wants to deal with his own most days.  Either way, I can't really believe that he met them, that she introduced her "friend" to her babies, how could she do that?! After a tough few days with Mike, this piece of information just topped off what I already knew, which is that I had to distance myself. 

I took Wednesday to feel sorry for myself and woke up Thurseday resolved.  I didn't wear my rings for the first time on purpose and began calling lawyers to make appointments (I only plan to keep one, but I wanted information on pricing, etc).  My mom and I spent the day buying my Daddy a car and then we came home for the end of the afternoon.  In the late afternoon, I received Mike's text about the email (weird that he texted me a picture and didn't just send the email, right?!) and he yelled at me and my Mother on the phone.  His behavior solidified what I had already begun that day and I feel so glad that I had already made that decision before he freaked out, but it only helped to make me feel better about my choice.  I feel a great sense of distance now from him, I didn't feel the same seeing him on Sunday (on skype) and I am not missing him as much every day.  It is still there, I still think about him a lot and he is somehow attached to soo many things every day, but it's better and I am a lot less sad than I have been.  Between my family, friends and counselor, I am finally out of the darkest place, I hope. 

Now to focus on finalizing a job, getting my finances and plans in order, and being the absolute best parent I can be!

Iris:
I weighed her with me yesterday and she is 11.6 lbs!  She hasn't gained as much weight in the last 8 weeks as I'd hoped, but she's healthy and happy and I feed her every single chance she'll let me, so I'm sure it's all ok.  She has been incredibly chatty and engaging the last few days.  She razz's, coo's and "talks" all the time when she's awake, it's amazing!  She can also lift her head to 90 degrees during tummy time and look around while doing this, definitely a change from a few weeks ago (so much stronger)!  She had a few weird nights of sleep, getting up more than once, but last night she slept from 7p-6:45a, which is awesome. I was still awake at 1:15a panicing, but that's my problem not hers.  We are taking Iris to the beach this weekend, I think she's going to love it!