Dreams

Legally:
Bought formula ($39 for the larger container) at Walmart. Accidentally used our account for some paint for the house, will reimburse our account from mine.  Mike and I have agreed to meet halfway this coming Wednesday in Gatlinburg, TN for a visit.  It's intended to be a fun trip for the three of us and he has agreed to pay for the hotel for us all for the two nights (Wednesday and Thursday nights).  I paid Mike's water bill online because the bill was forwarded to me, as my name is on it.  Expecting the electricity bill to arrive this week also.

Feelings:
I keep dreaming about Mike and Jennifer. It's awful.  One of my biggest fears is that I won't ever get over this, and therefore will ultimately end our marriage by simply not being able to move past everything.  I'm certainly not there yet, that's to be expected, and I won't get there ever if Mike doesn't eventually tell me EVERYTHING honestly.  I want to know the details, I want to understand how this happened and what has allowed it to go on this long and enable him to let me leave and jeopardize his marriage.  I want him to BEG for forgiveness and show me, every day, that he means it and wants to be the best husband and father he can be for us.  But he's not ready to do that, he's not even ready to let this woman go at this point.  So, I'm left to my own imagination which is, as best I can explain to people, vivid.  I finally found what she looks like, and she's pretty.  But when I dream about them together, I don't ever picture her the way she looks and usually it is just Mike and I interacting in the dreams, very poorly interacting I might add.  Last night, well 3:00a when I'm wide awake waiting for Iris to wake up and getting upset because Mike didn't even call me back or text me when I called him last night, I start to panic.  Obviously if he's ignoring my calls and not responding, he's with her.  He's now spending nights with her.  Eventually I fall asleep and dream this:  Mike is in a navy suit when I first see him and we have an ok chat, but 5 minutes later he is in a different outfit and when I ask why, he says 'that was my outfit from yesterday, I have to put a clean outfit on for work'.  I look at him dumbly and then get it, but I still ask, 'why did you have on last night's outfit this morning?' To which he of course replies, after a looong pause, 'you know why'.  And then I freaked out and got really upset and somehow I also learned that he is really involved with her children and they know he spends the night at her house all the time, which was news to me.  I have to dream all of this because he didn't answer my call or call me back or text me.  It doesn't seem healthy, or sane.  And yet what am I supposed to think?!  He's in another state, in love with another woman.  I didn't mention that he never called me back last night, but he did call this morning and said that he passed out early after drinking too much knobb creek with Cory at the Granite City opening.  Either way, how am I supposed to come back from this in my life?!  How am I ever going to trust him, or anyone else, ever again?!  I am trying to keep it together, but I'm barely hanging on and obviously my subconscious is dreaming big for me.  Do I tell him about this stuff or just let it be?  I don't think I would feel "better" but I would feel at least some comfort in knowing the details of it all rather than being left to come up with my own ideas.  Hopefully he will be want to be honest with me one day.  It's the only way I can see there being any hope for this situation.  And I do love him and want things to get better, it seems like such a waste of a good, a great love,  and an injustice to marriage to give up so easily.

Iris:
She's cute as a button and such a good girl!  She is still talking to us in ooh's and aah's and came to brunch with the girls today :-)  She was so good the entire time and we spent two hours there, so I was really proud of how well she did!  She was 12 weeks yesterday, time's flying by!  So in love with my girl!