Just sad

Legally:
I haven't posted in awhile so I'm sure there is lots.  Mike visited last week, he had Iris Tuesday night-Thursday night and went home Friday morning.  He gave us $300 for the month for child support and is not paying anything for daycare (still unsure about this regarding the tax situation, but it's the end of the month now).  He has also said he will not paying anything at all in April, and will resume paying for half of daycare and child support in May.  He stopped wearing his wedding band on Tuesday of last week.  I have not been back in contact with any lawyers, I cannot afford to meet with anyone yet and am unable to file anything legally in NC until June or July.  We have been texting most days and have talked on the phone a few times since his visit.  He still speaks to Jennifer every day, tells her he loves her and sees her outside of work once a week (that's what he told me).

Emotionally:
I hate his visits.  They make me more sad each time, as I watch the distance push us apart and the love disappear.  He is still telling another woman he loves her and he has no such things to say to me until we are arguing about it.  He says that he wants to move closer, to Greenville, SC, but I have already declared my bottom line about moving again and he feels this is unfair that I won't "meet him halfway".  I went all the way with moving previously and it left me alone and heart broken, with no support or love to be found.  And he asked me what the point of him stopping seeing her is if I dont' want to reconcile....are you serious?!  He can't understand why stopping his relationship with someone that isn't his wife would be an important first step?!?!  How am I supposed to fix a marriage with someone who can say that to me?  With someone that can continue to break my heart every single time he sees me?  He doesn't love me, despite saying he does, because love doesn't look or sound the way Mike is presenting it.  And love is never having to ask your husband if he is still telling someone else that he loves her.  I still wish he would be kind and just tell me he doesn't love me and wants to get divorced, it would hurt so much less overall I think.  I don't know how I'm supposed to move on or forward with the situation being as it is now.  I feel guilty for not being loving towards him and for not trying harder to make him love me, but haven't I done enough?  Haven't I begged him to choose me enough?  When does he beg me for love?  When does he make an effort for Iris and I, and our family?  I feel like I'm ruining Iris' life but at the same time know that I can't go back to a marriage without love for me included and don't know what to do.  Mike gives me just enough encouragement to keep me feeling confused and trapped, and then bad for trying to move on. 

Moving on.  The impossible task.  I have a friend, Dennis, that has been a good companion over the last three months.  He has listened, kept me company, and offered me an outlet from the life I live every day, even if it's just watching basketball or a terrible reality TV show.  We are friends and that is all.  Mike is upset about Dennis because we interact on FB and he thinks I am dating and/or possibly sleeping with him, and that this is why I stopped wearing my rings.  None of that is true.  I cannot imagine sleeping with another person, it's too painful and overwhelming.  And I have no idea how I'm ever supposed to fall in love again, if that is even possible.  So Mike thinks I'm now doing the same thing he is doing, and he's mad.  #1. I'm not, and I wouldn't. #2. How can he possibly be mad about that even if I were, after what's he done?!  He brings sexual things in to our marriage that he learned/does with her, there is nothing more awful.  He is still having sex with her, every week, and has the nerve to accuse me of doing anything wrong?  It's so out of line I don't know what to say to him, and it's unfair that I have to be put in to the same category as him, so that he can make himself feel better.  He really doesn't love me, and I have to keep telling myself this.  If he did, none of these conversations or arguments would even exist.  I'm alone, so alone.  And he did this to me, continues to do this to me every day. 

Iris:
Despite it all, the beautiful angel continues to thrive!  She had a stomach bug last week that she passed on to Mike, myself, and my parents, and I think she is still having a little bit of backlash from that this week even.  She likes daycare, she seems happy on the cameras and when I pick her up and is, as always, just a generally happy baby.  She is now rolling over, laughing a lot, and loving baths!  Nothing makes her happier than splashing around in the tub for awhile.  She had some more shots at her 4 month appointment and now weight 12lb, 3oz.  She's amazing, she's so strong and alert, she loves to look around at everything and doesn't want to miss out on anything.  I thin she might be ready to start some solid foods soon, she seems to like the look of our food and is really advanced, so I think 5 months will be a good time to start cereal or something light like that.  She still gets up once in the night, but she's right back to sleep after that is doing so well!  She's the bright spot in my day every day, and I love her for that along with just being completely enamored with her anyway!  Such a funny, happy girl!