Legal Separation

Legally:
I'm considering a legal separation.  Really considering it, like I want to have papers ready for this weekend.  Also, I think I'm going to file my taxes by myself, not together with Mike.

Feelings:
I've really fought against this idea-the legal separation.  But if I don't, eventually I think Mike will and it will be harder for me, being here in NC.  Also, I want him to know that I mean business.  That I'm done waiting for him, no longer begging him to love me and choose me.  I want to take a stand for myself and Iris, we deserve better.  I deserve better.  I think filing for separation will give me the sense of actuality that I need to know that this is all really happening, that Mike is really still lying, manipulating and ultimately still cheating on me.  I have to break the pattern that this is ok behavior without consequences.  I have to set in motion the future for Iris and I.  If I do this, I will not be helping my marriage resusitate, it will be the beginning of the end for us.  I will request the money the state suggests, I will not give in and take less, she deserves all of it and I want to start her life off in the right way.  I want Iris to have a college fund, dance classes, and everything else she wants that will help her discover the person she is going to be.  If Mike is not present every day physically, his money will ensure that she knows she is loved by her father and supported in some way. 

I keep thinking about Mike's lies and what he has done to keep me engaged in his deceit and lies to this point.  Even when I think back to the tiny debate we had about him "smelling weird" and he saying it was cologne from his Dad, when I knew something wasn't right but let it go, there have been so many lies.  So much wrong has been done, he's hurt me and pushed me down so much to keep me where he wants me, in love with him and hopeful for a future, though I don't know that he has any real intention of trying to make that work.  He mentioned having another baby together the other day, what am I supposed to do with that?!  My heart hurts thinking about how hard the first pregnancy was with him, because of his lack of support and slow, painful torture of me because I did it and he didn't want a baby then. 

I know, deep down, that I have to move forward with a separation.  It's the best thing for me, which in turns makes it the best for Iris and that's what really matters.  She needs the best parent she can get if she is only going to have one every day, and I can't be the absolute best when I am being hurt, abused, and unloved by my husband.  Iris will be taught about morals, character, and how to treat people in life, in friendships and in love, and I will make sure that she knows that what her father did is not to be accepted in her life and that she deserves only the highest level of respect, admiration, and adoration from anyone she wants to give her heart to. 

Iris:
My perfect angel is sleeping!  Nana gave her a 4:00a bottle and she went right back to sleep!  So in love!!