Still lost

Legally:
Iris and I are meeting Mike in Gatlinburg, TN for two nights this week, then visiting his mother for two nights following.  He asked me today to not spend any money on Iris until I am with him, which is fine, she will need formula by the end of the week or weekend.  We have not discussed our marriage or separation since his last visit to Raleigh.

Feelings:
Everyone keeps telling me I need to move on, need to get rid of Mike.  And I soo wish that I could do this.  I really do.  Some days I even think I can, that I can make it alone and be a single parent and still be good enough for Iris.  But I don't want to just be good enough for her, she deserves amazing things, and I don't want to give up on Mike yet.  When we're together, it makes sense (to quote Mike) and I can see possibilities, but over the phone and with time, I start to have doubt creep in.  Is he ever going to be enough for me now?  Can I actually forgive him for what he's done?  How will I ever trust him, or anyone, ever again?  He has lied so much, straight to my face, that I no longer know what I can and can't believe, I have to assume it's all still lies.  And I spend my days lately texting with him and I say the right things, as he does, but do we really mean them?  Sometimes I do, sometimes I just want to tell him I love him and see how he's doing, but other times I'm simply going through the motions.  Which is what he has done with me for a long time now, before and during his relationship with the whore.  I'm assuming that's still going on, so he's doing it to me and to her too now.  Do you think he likes lying and getting away with it, as it were?  Because he is continuing to exhibit the same patterns of behavior and he is, for all purposes, getting away with it.  He still hss a devoted wife that is loving him and having sex with him, and taking care of his child, and he has a nurturing girlfriend that's also loving him and probably having sex with him also.  Must be nice.  And so wrong I just don't understand how it's possible.  He doesn't love us both, so which one of us does he really love?  I dont' think it's me, but I don't know anymore.  How can he love her when he still doesn't really know her?  Not the parts where you share information and find things you have in common, but the day-in and day-out knowing of each other that comes with time together and experience, and sharing life outside of work.  All they have done is send some words to each other, behave like high schoolers in their cars and share a few meals during work hours, oh and have wine.  Fucking bastard, taking her to a place I would love.  He only thinks of himself.  They don't KNOW each other, they haven't had fights or got on each otheres nerves, or traveled to three countries in a week and still loved each other.  I hate this so fucking much, it's insanity.  I have to move on, and yet I can't/  I'm driving hundreds of miles out of my way to see him, not for Iris (she is happy here and would probably be a much happier girl not in the car for  4 1/2 hours), but for me.  And for what?  So he can not be sorry, not show remorse, and not give me the love I deserve?!  There is something really wrong with me as a person in love, I am just bad at choosing who I love. 

Iris:
She is someone to love, my one true love!  She laughed at me yesterday, a real laugh! She is stronger every day, holding her head up, looking around, moving, all sorts of things.  It's amazing to see her grow and become more of a person every day, I love it!!  She makes me so happy, I'm finally realizing how lucky I am to have her come through all of this mess so wonderfully, she is resilient like her Mommy and she's a wonderful baby!  Feeling so in love with her today, and every day!