So confused....

Legally:

Bought Iris formula and a car mirror today ($30 at Walmart), also transferred $15 from joint checking to my account for Mike's half of diapers ($30 for 264 from BJ's).  Mike is now depositing his check in to his own account and transferring money to our joint account.  He said that he trusts that I won't use his money for anything other than Iris, but still felt the need to move his direct deposit to his own account.

Feelings:
I don't know what to think or feel anymore.  I am overrun with feelings and thoughts all day long, along with everyone else's feelings and thoughts, and it's just too much.  Mike is all over the place and I can't keep up, I don't know what he's feeling or where he's at in his process.  He said this morning that he hasn't spoken to the other woman since Friday, but how can I believe that at this point?  He told me tonight (via email) that he doesn't feel he deserves me, that I'm the best person he knows, but then why do this to me if that's the case?  And why would he want me to leave and  move his money so I can't touch it (even though he put most of it in to our account, so technically I could still "steal" it if that's what he thinks I'm going to do), if I'm the best person he knows?  It hurt a lot this morning to realize that he doesn't trust me with money and felt the need to do that, even though I have never exploited him financially.  I take only what Iris needs and I always let him know, it was just mean.  It was like putting a passcode on his phone after I had already left, why do that?!  Unless the passcode was only while he was in Asheville and we were sharing a room....ugh, even still.  He broke the trust, why is he still turning it around on me?  And why do I love him when he continues to neglect me and treat me badly?!  When will I be strong enough to stand up for myself and stop giving in to him? 

I feel like my love for him in diminishing.  As it should, I guess.  Or maybe I am starting to see it for what it was, love that wasn't grounded in real life and true understanding of one another.  Maybe this is really Mike and I just didn't get to know him well enough.  Maybe I always knew he was this selfish and self-serving and I just thought I could change him.  And if that's the case, I shouldn't have married someone that I wanted to change, right?  I think I didn't think of it as selfish, just 'bachelor' and that he would adjust with a little bit of time, because I worth making the effort and giving love to.  Am I not worth giving love to?  Am I really so bad that I don't deserve to be loved back and cared for?  I think i am worth at least some love, which Mike's actions have not shown to me for months now.  He must really hate me to be able to do this and keep doing it, knowing how much it has hurt and how heartbroken I am/have been.  And to keep kissing her and having sex with, and brining her sex positions in to our marriage, it just blows my mind the level or disrespect and hatred that he must have.  How will that ever be repaired, for either of us?! 

I'm too sad to go on tonight, I give up.

Iris:
We had a tough day, she cries and I don't know what to do.  She is completely taken care of and still cries.  So today, I cried too.  I just needed to finish applying for a job, because I need a job to support my baby, and I couldn't even do it.  She is so beautiful and was so well-behaved the rest of the afternoon, but for the morning and the early afternoon, I just didn't know what I was going to do.  We took her to Sweet Tomatoes for an early dinner and she was an angel, she just watched and smiled the whole time.  I even gave her a taste of vanilla icecream, she seemed interested though not completely sold on it yet (I'm a bad parent, I know)!  Love that sweet girl!