Legally:
Mike visited Iris and I this past weekend from Saturday evening-Monday afternoon. The visit went well, Iris stayed with him both nights and she seemed very happy throughout the weekend. We split the meals we shared and he paid for his hotel room. He gave me $20 for gas money. We discussed a legal separation in greater depth, and at this point it's not something either of us want to pursue.
Feelings:
Still all over the place. We had a good weekend overall. It started out uncomfortable, but we discussed a few immediate concerns/points of contention, and once that was done things seemed to improve. I still love Mike and miss him every day. It's hard to be near him and not want to be affectionate, loving and romantic. Mike isn't the same way with me, he responds to my affection more than he initiates, which I am aware of even if I can't stop myself. This is such a hard situation, and every time I think I have something figured out, it changes. Three weeks now feels like just the right amount of time for me to start making progress with moving on, and then comes and visits and it's all down the drain. He said that when he was here, he could see being here with Iris and I, and having a nice, happy life. But I don't believe his heart is fully in it for me. He loves Iris and wants to be a present father, but his love for me just isn't there enough for either he or I to be happy long-term. He said that he wakes up some mornings and misses us and wants to be with us, but it isn't every day, and that it needs to be every day for him to make the committment to coming here and trying to be a family again. This doesn't address the fact that we would have a lot of work to do as a couple, but at least he's being honest (I think). And in 4-5 months when his lease is up and he is making a decision on what to do next, will I still want to try and make things work? Right now, I think yes. But once I have a job and some sense of normalcy, that very well might change. He still hasn't seen a counselor, which I mentioned again would be a great thing for him. He needs help even if he doesn't want to make our marriage work. I also asked him if Jennifer would stand by his side if he did this to her? He said he hadn't asked and didn't know, my assumption being that he thinks he loves her so much he wouldn't do this to her. But he did it to me and used to love me that much. And fyi, that is still going on. They aren't seeing each other outside of work, he says, but they are still in love and still communicate. He won't tell me more, though I wish he would, but he isn't prepared to give her up and I don't believe that he isn't seeing her outside of work at all, he did that while I was still there, why wouldn't he now?! Making out and having sex in their cars is still exciting and dangerous because they could still get in trouble, and it's still "bad" and full of emotion. It's so awful, I can't stand to think of it and yet can't stop thinking about it. I tried to imagine kissing another man today, and I just can't imagine it. It sounds so unappealing, so impossible....how can he do this and feel no guilt?!?!
Anyway, trying to stay focused on what I can do. And that's here. Getting a job, taking care of my precious girl, and enjoying my life with friends and family.
Iris:
She is 12 weeks on Friday! She is now "talking"-oohing and forming sounds with her mouth on purpose. We officially switched to cloth diapers today, they seem to work well and I'm hoping that she'll be comfortable in them, even if they do seem huge on her still. She's growing and changing every day, it's so fun to watch. We found her a daycare on Monday, we are both comfortable with the place and the people that will be taking care of her. My mum offered to help with her so that we only have to do three days of daycare a week, which would be nice for Iris and a big help financially for Mike and I, who are splitting the cost 50/50. I know this isn't what the state would recommend, but we'll try it for now and see how it goes. Love this baby, and hate the thought of her going in to daycare, but it's what has to happen. She will be fine, it's just me that likely won't be....
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Friday, January 25, 2013
This Week
Legally:
Bought formula for Iris on Tuesday-larger container for $30 (had a $5 coupon). Spoke to Mike a couple of times, once on skype. We discussed a formal separation agreement, which he said was up to me but that would change our financial arrangement (obviously). He is visiting for two days this weekend, arriving tomorrow (Saturday). He will be keeping Iris for the duration of his visit.
Feelings:
I'm all over the place, as usual. I miss my husband, my best friend. I want so badly to have my Mike back, the man that loved me and that I talked to and loved. I am so hopeful after we've had a nice conversation, it's insane. And then the rest of the time I know that nothing has changed, that he is still continuing with another woman and that he still doesn't love me enough to even try to save our marriage. He didn't even want to stop me from formally separating, he didn't care about me, just about his money. I know he isn't in love with me, but I can't pull away. I can't stop. And I'm so frustrated with people telling me to just stop, to move on, it's just not that simple.
Mike treats me badly. He doesn't respect me, love me, trust me, or care for my feelings and well being. I know this. I need to keep saying it until it really sinks in. And in the meantime, he tells me he loves me and misses me. He says things like he is "excited to see us", which really means that he's excited to see Iris and has to include me, to keep things easy between us. Should i be brave and take charge of the situation and put an end it all (or at least the beginning of the end)? Is that really what he wants and just doesn't want to be the bad guy? I guess we will see this weekend, I hope I am able to make a decision after spending a little time with him and talking to him some.
Iris:
Turned 11 weeks old today! She is more alert every day and seems to be able to see things more clearly. She is also aware of where sounds come from, she follows the sound. She is rolling a little now, just on to her side, but it's definitely progress! She is growing hair back on top of her head and is probably 10lbs now. Absolutely gorgeous little girl, she's so cheeky and happy!!
Bought formula for Iris on Tuesday-larger container for $30 (had a $5 coupon). Spoke to Mike a couple of times, once on skype. We discussed a formal separation agreement, which he said was up to me but that would change our financial arrangement (obviously). He is visiting for two days this weekend, arriving tomorrow (Saturday). He will be keeping Iris for the duration of his visit.
Feelings:
I'm all over the place, as usual. I miss my husband, my best friend. I want so badly to have my Mike back, the man that loved me and that I talked to and loved. I am so hopeful after we've had a nice conversation, it's insane. And then the rest of the time I know that nothing has changed, that he is still continuing with another woman and that he still doesn't love me enough to even try to save our marriage. He didn't even want to stop me from formally separating, he didn't care about me, just about his money. I know he isn't in love with me, but I can't pull away. I can't stop. And I'm so frustrated with people telling me to just stop, to move on, it's just not that simple.
Mike treats me badly. He doesn't respect me, love me, trust me, or care for my feelings and well being. I know this. I need to keep saying it until it really sinks in. And in the meantime, he tells me he loves me and misses me. He says things like he is "excited to see us", which really means that he's excited to see Iris and has to include me, to keep things easy between us. Should i be brave and take charge of the situation and put an end it all (or at least the beginning of the end)? Is that really what he wants and just doesn't want to be the bad guy? I guess we will see this weekend, I hope I am able to make a decision after spending a little time with him and talking to him some.
Iris:
Turned 11 weeks old today! She is more alert every day and seems to be able to see things more clearly. She is also aware of where sounds come from, she follows the sound. She is rolling a little now, just on to her side, but it's definitely progress! She is growing hair back on top of her head and is probably 10lbs now. Absolutely gorgeous little girl, she's so cheeky and happy!!
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Trying to get it together
It's been a couple of days, things have been happening.
Legally:
Attempted to purchase a garment rack from Walmart (with Mike's approval) with our joint account, but the next day Walmart emailed that they had to cancel the order. It was $44 that was refunded directly to our account. My parents purchased the rack from Amazon.com for me instead. Haven't used our account for anything else recently. We had a serious conversation this week, for the first time really, that led to an argument and a total disagreement on where we are and what we're feeling. Two different people called Mike's superiors to let them know about the relationship, one he thinks from work and one from a 919 area code. He is not being fired, nor is the other woman, and he only received a write-up in his file. He is still communicating in a romantic, non-professional way with Jennifer at this point, and has no intention of ending their relationship. He said that he thinks he will have to move to Raleigh if he wants to be with Iris and I, and doesn' t know if he wants to leave his friends in Nashville.
Feelings:
Mike is selfish. What kind of man, husband and father says something like "I don't know if I want to leave my friends here" when discussing his future with his family. And really, he will have to move if he stays with Drury anyway, likely this summer unless the write-up has a negative effect (which why would it, he's just cheating on his wife and deserting his family, surely that reflects a strong character in one of your management staff), so what does it even matter, except that he's making MORE excuses for himself and his awful behavior? He says things to me about loving me, missing me, how tough it is to be without me/us, how miserable he is at home (because who's cooking him meals and doing his laundry if I'm not there? Certainly not the woman he left me for), but he obviously doesn't mean these things if he can argue with me about how he's in the right for carrying on with the other woman still? He actually defends her and their relationship to me, and argued with me that we are "separated" so he can do what he wants and I can't say anything. What a nice fucking guy. He told me the other day that he doesn't think he deserves me, that he's sorry that he did this to me, but he STILL continues. He's not sorry, a man with a conscience or a soul that was sorry would stop what he was doing and try to make it right. He doesn't want to stop, let alone even attempt to make it right. I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't in love with me and begin the process of moving on. I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this. Whatever else has gone on and is going on for Mike, I do not deserve to be disprespected like this and treated this badly. My heart is broken, for myself and for Iris, but we will be ok and I will get stronger. I don't feel strong at this point, I crave his attention and love like nothing I have ever known. I need his acceptance. But I will get past this, somehow, sometime, and I just have to keep telling myself this until I believe or it starts to be reality. I love Mike so much, but I will stop this eventually and will manage to build a wonderful like for Iris, and for me with her.
Iris:
My perfect angel finally has a beautiful bedroom all set-up at my parents. It's a great room for her and it has a nice warm, cozy feel to it, like her last bedroom. Packing up her room was so hard in Nashville because it was so beautiful and had such a great feel, and this room now has that feeling too! My parents did a wonderful job making it look beautiful for her. Today she actually rolled on to her side for the first time, it was a big moment! She is moving more, rolling around and taking everything in so much more. It's amazing to see how she changes and grows, I'm blown away by her every day! Her smiling and laughing make the day, it's awesome! She's so alert and interested, her little head looks around and takes everything in. She has been sleeping a little bit better each night, she is now having a longer sleep stretch for the first part of the night (8+ hours) and then a feed and another two or three hours of sleep before starting the day, all of which is great. I'm hoping that she will be more comfortable in her room, and feel more settled, and maybe she will go back to sleeping through the night, it seemed to work well for her day schedule, and certainly made a huge difference to me when getting up to feed her! :-) Love that gorgeous baby!
Legally:
Attempted to purchase a garment rack from Walmart (with Mike's approval) with our joint account, but the next day Walmart emailed that they had to cancel the order. It was $44 that was refunded directly to our account. My parents purchased the rack from Amazon.com for me instead. Haven't used our account for anything else recently. We had a serious conversation this week, for the first time really, that led to an argument and a total disagreement on where we are and what we're feeling. Two different people called Mike's superiors to let them know about the relationship, one he thinks from work and one from a 919 area code. He is not being fired, nor is the other woman, and he only received a write-up in his file. He is still communicating in a romantic, non-professional way with Jennifer at this point, and has no intention of ending their relationship. He said that he thinks he will have to move to Raleigh if he wants to be with Iris and I, and doesn' t know if he wants to leave his friends in Nashville.
Feelings:
Mike is selfish. What kind of man, husband and father says something like "I don't know if I want to leave my friends here" when discussing his future with his family. And really, he will have to move if he stays with Drury anyway, likely this summer unless the write-up has a negative effect (which why would it, he's just cheating on his wife and deserting his family, surely that reflects a strong character in one of your management staff), so what does it even matter, except that he's making MORE excuses for himself and his awful behavior? He says things to me about loving me, missing me, how tough it is to be without me/us, how miserable he is at home (because who's cooking him meals and doing his laundry if I'm not there? Certainly not the woman he left me for), but he obviously doesn't mean these things if he can argue with me about how he's in the right for carrying on with the other woman still? He actually defends her and their relationship to me, and argued with me that we are "separated" so he can do what he wants and I can't say anything. What a nice fucking guy. He told me the other day that he doesn't think he deserves me, that he's sorry that he did this to me, but he STILL continues. He's not sorry, a man with a conscience or a soul that was sorry would stop what he was doing and try to make it right. He doesn't want to stop, let alone even attempt to make it right. I have to come to terms with the fact that he isn't in love with me and begin the process of moving on. I am worth more than this. I deserve more than this. Whatever else has gone on and is going on for Mike, I do not deserve to be disprespected like this and treated this badly. My heart is broken, for myself and for Iris, but we will be ok and I will get stronger. I don't feel strong at this point, I crave his attention and love like nothing I have ever known. I need his acceptance. But I will get past this, somehow, sometime, and I just have to keep telling myself this until I believe or it starts to be reality. I love Mike so much, but I will stop this eventually and will manage to build a wonderful like for Iris, and for me with her.
Iris:
My perfect angel finally has a beautiful bedroom all set-up at my parents. It's a great room for her and it has a nice warm, cozy feel to it, like her last bedroom. Packing up her room was so hard in Nashville because it was so beautiful and had such a great feel, and this room now has that feeling too! My parents did a wonderful job making it look beautiful for her. Today she actually rolled on to her side for the first time, it was a big moment! She is moving more, rolling around and taking everything in so much more. It's amazing to see how she changes and grows, I'm blown away by her every day! Her smiling and laughing make the day, it's awesome! She's so alert and interested, her little head looks around and takes everything in. She has been sleeping a little bit better each night, she is now having a longer sleep stretch for the first part of the night (8+ hours) and then a feed and another two or three hours of sleep before starting the day, all of which is great. I'm hoping that she will be more comfortable in her room, and feel more settled, and maybe she will go back to sleeping through the night, it seemed to work well for her day schedule, and certainly made a huge difference to me when getting up to feed her! :-) Love that gorgeous baby!
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
So confused....
Legally:
Bought Iris formula and a car mirror today ($30 at Walmart), also transferred $15 from joint checking to my account for Mike's half of diapers ($30 for 264 from BJ's). Mike is now depositing his check in to his own account and transferring money to our joint account. He said that he trusts that I won't use his money for anything other than Iris, but still felt the need to move his direct deposit to his own account.
Feelings:
I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I am overrun with feelings and thoughts all day long, along with everyone else's feelings and thoughts, and it's just too much. Mike is all over the place and I can't keep up, I don't know what he's feeling or where he's at in his process. He said this morning that he hasn't spoken to the other woman since Friday, but how can I believe that at this point? He told me tonight (via email) that he doesn't feel he deserves me, that I'm the best person he knows, but then why do this to me if that's the case? And why would he want me to leave and move his money so I can't touch it (even though he put most of it in to our account, so technically I could still "steal" it if that's what he thinks I'm going to do), if I'm the best person he knows? It hurt a lot this morning to realize that he doesn't trust me with money and felt the need to do that, even though I have never exploited him financially. I take only what Iris needs and I always let him know, it was just mean. It was like putting a passcode on his phone after I had already left, why do that?! Unless the passcode was only while he was in Asheville and we were sharing a room....ugh, even still. He broke the trust, why is he still turning it around on me? And why do I love him when he continues to neglect me and treat me badly?! When will I be strong enough to stand up for myself and stop giving in to him?
I feel like my love for him in diminishing. As it should, I guess. Or maybe I am starting to see it for what it was, love that wasn't grounded in real life and true understanding of one another. Maybe this is really Mike and I just didn't get to know him well enough. Maybe I always knew he was this selfish and self-serving and I just thought I could change him. And if that's the case, I shouldn't have married someone that I wanted to change, right? I think I didn't think of it as selfish, just 'bachelor' and that he would adjust with a little bit of time, because I worth making the effort and giving love to. Am I not worth giving love to? Am I really so bad that I don't deserve to be loved back and cared for? I think i am worth at least some love, which Mike's actions have not shown to me for months now. He must really hate me to be able to do this and keep doing it, knowing how much it has hurt and how heartbroken I am/have been. And to keep kissing her and having sex with, and brining her sex positions in to our marriage, it just blows my mind the level or disrespect and hatred that he must have. How will that ever be repaired, for either of us?!
I'm too sad to go on tonight, I give up.
Iris:
We had a tough day, she cries and I don't know what to do. She is completely taken care of and still cries. So today, I cried too. I just needed to finish applying for a job, because I need a job to support my baby, and I couldn't even do it. She is so beautiful and was so well-behaved the rest of the afternoon, but for the morning and the early afternoon, I just didn't know what I was going to do. We took her to Sweet Tomatoes for an early dinner and she was an angel, she just watched and smiled the whole time. I even gave her a taste of vanilla icecream, she seemed interested though not completely sold on it yet (I'm a bad parent, I know)! Love that sweet girl!
Bought Iris formula and a car mirror today ($30 at Walmart), also transferred $15 from joint checking to my account for Mike's half of diapers ($30 for 264 from BJ's). Mike is now depositing his check in to his own account and transferring money to our joint account. He said that he trusts that I won't use his money for anything other than Iris, but still felt the need to move his direct deposit to his own account.
Feelings:
I don't know what to think or feel anymore. I am overrun with feelings and thoughts all day long, along with everyone else's feelings and thoughts, and it's just too much. Mike is all over the place and I can't keep up, I don't know what he's feeling or where he's at in his process. He said this morning that he hasn't spoken to the other woman since Friday, but how can I believe that at this point? He told me tonight (via email) that he doesn't feel he deserves me, that I'm the best person he knows, but then why do this to me if that's the case? And why would he want me to leave and move his money so I can't touch it (even though he put most of it in to our account, so technically I could still "steal" it if that's what he thinks I'm going to do), if I'm the best person he knows? It hurt a lot this morning to realize that he doesn't trust me with money and felt the need to do that, even though I have never exploited him financially. I take only what Iris needs and I always let him know, it was just mean. It was like putting a passcode on his phone after I had already left, why do that?! Unless the passcode was only while he was in Asheville and we were sharing a room....ugh, even still. He broke the trust, why is he still turning it around on me? And why do I love him when he continues to neglect me and treat me badly?! When will I be strong enough to stand up for myself and stop giving in to him?
I feel like my love for him in diminishing. As it should, I guess. Or maybe I am starting to see it for what it was, love that wasn't grounded in real life and true understanding of one another. Maybe this is really Mike and I just didn't get to know him well enough. Maybe I always knew he was this selfish and self-serving and I just thought I could change him. And if that's the case, I shouldn't have married someone that I wanted to change, right? I think I didn't think of it as selfish, just 'bachelor' and that he would adjust with a little bit of time, because I worth making the effort and giving love to. Am I not worth giving love to? Am I really so bad that I don't deserve to be loved back and cared for? I think i am worth at least some love, which Mike's actions have not shown to me for months now. He must really hate me to be able to do this and keep doing it, knowing how much it has hurt and how heartbroken I am/have been. And to keep kissing her and having sex with, and brining her sex positions in to our marriage, it just blows my mind the level or disrespect and hatred that he must have. How will that ever be repaired, for either of us?!
I'm too sad to go on tonight, I give up.
Iris:
We had a tough day, she cries and I don't know what to do. She is completely taken care of and still cries. So today, I cried too. I just needed to finish applying for a job, because I need a job to support my baby, and I couldn't even do it. She is so beautiful and was so well-behaved the rest of the afternoon, but for the morning and the early afternoon, I just didn't know what I was going to do. We took her to Sweet Tomatoes for an early dinner and she was an angel, she just watched and smiled the whole time. I even gave her a taste of vanilla icecream, she seemed interested though not completely sold on it yet (I'm a bad parent, I know)! Love that sweet girl!
Monday, January 14, 2013
Pissed off
Legally:
We talked very little this weekend. We spoke on the phone this afternoon, and then skyped with Iris later in the evening. I had to use our debit card at Harris Teeter, so transferred the money used as soon as I got home back in to our joint account. Need to buy formula tomorrow, paid $30 for diapers out of my own money.
Feelings:
Mike is a selfish asshole. He doesn't ask how I am doing, how I am feeling, anything. Mainly, I would assume, because he doesn't care. We spoke on the phone today, but I guaranteed I wasn't the first call he made when he got in the car to drive back to Nashville. He thinks of himself and only himself. He just texted me about a hotel next weekend when he comes to visit. He is so selfish, and so thoughtless, tha the can't even conceive of why it would be better to stay closer to my parents house while he's here. Forget that he should actually see my parents and look them in the face, but he won't even stay close to them. I hate mysel for being able to love someone that is so selfish, thoughtless, heartless. I still can't understand how it's all possible. I saw a therapist today, a new one who is covered by insurance, and she was good. She wasn't fake or overly polite about the situation, but she did say that Mike was bullshit and that his self-serving behavior is here to stay unless he makes BIG changes. Unlikely at this point, as he's still in love with his mistress whore and doesn't feel any real remorse for ruining Iris and I's lives. I really do think I'm just becoming to hate Mike. He's weak, cowardly, unloving, and truly selfish, and I don't know how I couldn't see all of these things before. Bleh.
Iris:
She is wonderful, per usual. She slept more today after a non-sleep day yesterda and finally went down to bed tonight around 9p. She is eating well and is a great baby overll. I would LOVE to have a partner to do this all with me and enjoy her many faces and new personality, but we are enjoying each day today.
We talked very little this weekend. We spoke on the phone this afternoon, and then skyped with Iris later in the evening. I had to use our debit card at Harris Teeter, so transferred the money used as soon as I got home back in to our joint account. Need to buy formula tomorrow, paid $30 for diapers out of my own money.
Feelings:
Mike is a selfish asshole. He doesn't ask how I am doing, how I am feeling, anything. Mainly, I would assume, because he doesn't care. We spoke on the phone today, but I guaranteed I wasn't the first call he made when he got in the car to drive back to Nashville. He thinks of himself and only himself. He just texted me about a hotel next weekend when he comes to visit. He is so selfish, and so thoughtless, tha the can't even conceive of why it would be better to stay closer to my parents house while he's here. Forget that he should actually see my parents and look them in the face, but he won't even stay close to them. I hate mysel for being able to love someone that is so selfish, thoughtless, heartless. I still can't understand how it's all possible. I saw a therapist today, a new one who is covered by insurance, and she was good. She wasn't fake or overly polite about the situation, but she did say that Mike was bullshit and that his self-serving behavior is here to stay unless he makes BIG changes. Unlikely at this point, as he's still in love with his mistress whore and doesn't feel any real remorse for ruining Iris and I's lives. I really do think I'm just becoming to hate Mike. He's weak, cowardly, unloving, and truly selfish, and I don't know how I couldn't see all of these things before. Bleh.
Iris:
She is wonderful, per usual. She slept more today after a non-sleep day yesterda and finally went down to bed tonight around 9p. She is eating well and is a great baby overll. I would LOVE to have a partner to do this all with me and enjoy her many faces and new personality, but we are enjoying each day today.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
Improvement
Things feel less hopeless at this point. All around a little better, though nothing has really changed or improved.
Legally:
Iris had her 2 month check-up on Thursday. She weighs 9.8lbs and had 5 immunizations (3 shots in her leg and one oral). I spent money this week on formula (Tues), $20 for her Dr. appt (Thurs), $8.21 at Lowe's for kid's relief pain reliever (Thurs).
Mike and I have been having good conversations as the week has progressed, though not about anything legal. He has mentioned wanting to move out of the townhouse, but doesn't know if it's worth the effort overall. He booked a flight to visit Iris 1/26-28. We did discuss, financially, him putting Meredith's rent check in and me moving the HOA dues payment to my own account starting next month.
Feeling:
I'm ok. I miss Mike and still want to make this all go away and us to just be happy. But I know that it's not that easy and I'm starting to feel like I would live if all of this really does fall apart. I don't want our marriage to be over and I am certain that we could be in love again and make each other happy for the long haul, but I would be ok if Mike ultimately fails me and doesn't try to work on our marriage. I still think he doesn't understand that he is a particiapt in the demise of our relationship, that his feelings just disappeared without reason. If he had just tried to make himself happy with me, just made some effort in making me (as in "give love to receive love") happy, this might not have happened. Does he not realize that everything can't just be given to him, that he has to participate and give love in order to get it back in the way that he wants? And I'm not even saying that I didn't do my best to make him happy every day, I truly feel that I have done that, but him trying would have been such a boost for himself if nothing else. I gave my all to Mike every day, through my words, my affection, cooking, cleaning, loving our pets, taking care of things in our lives, and yet all of these things did not make Mike feel loved or satisfy his needs. I am at such a loss as to what will make him happy if these things aren't it, what else is left? We are loving and intimate, I shower him with compliments and affection, on top of our "romantic" relationship (which dwindled right before the baby, but come on, and that timing also coincides with when his relationship took off with the whore, AND he didn't want it when I still he, he rejected me for a full week straight before I gave up), what else can I do?! I'm so defeated and rejected, how will this ever get better???
Iris:
Our beautiful angel is 9 weeks old yesterday! She is feeling ok after her shots and is sleeping fairly well through the nights (usually up once in the middle of the night this week). She smiles at me a lot now and is starting to laugh too! She LOVES her activity mat, especially the lights on the fisher price mat. She is still having fussy periods in the day, usually late afternoon is the worst, but once she is asleep for the night, she stays down well. She's a happy and healthy girl! <3
Legally:
Iris had her 2 month check-up on Thursday. She weighs 9.8lbs and had 5 immunizations (3 shots in her leg and one oral). I spent money this week on formula (Tues), $20 for her Dr. appt (Thurs), $8.21 at Lowe's for kid's relief pain reliever (Thurs).
Mike and I have been having good conversations as the week has progressed, though not about anything legal. He has mentioned wanting to move out of the townhouse, but doesn't know if it's worth the effort overall. He booked a flight to visit Iris 1/26-28. We did discuss, financially, him putting Meredith's rent check in and me moving the HOA dues payment to my own account starting next month.
Feeling:
I'm ok. I miss Mike and still want to make this all go away and us to just be happy. But I know that it's not that easy and I'm starting to feel like I would live if all of this really does fall apart. I don't want our marriage to be over and I am certain that we could be in love again and make each other happy for the long haul, but I would be ok if Mike ultimately fails me and doesn't try to work on our marriage. I still think he doesn't understand that he is a particiapt in the demise of our relationship, that his feelings just disappeared without reason. If he had just tried to make himself happy with me, just made some effort in making me (as in "give love to receive love") happy, this might not have happened. Does he not realize that everything can't just be given to him, that he has to participate and give love in order to get it back in the way that he wants? And I'm not even saying that I didn't do my best to make him happy every day, I truly feel that I have done that, but him trying would have been such a boost for himself if nothing else. I gave my all to Mike every day, through my words, my affection, cooking, cleaning, loving our pets, taking care of things in our lives, and yet all of these things did not make Mike feel loved or satisfy his needs. I am at such a loss as to what will make him happy if these things aren't it, what else is left? We are loving and intimate, I shower him with compliments and affection, on top of our "romantic" relationship (which dwindled right before the baby, but come on, and that timing also coincides with when his relationship took off with the whore, AND he didn't want it when I still he, he rejected me for a full week straight before I gave up), what else can I do?! I'm so defeated and rejected, how will this ever get better???
Iris:
Our beautiful angel is 9 weeks old yesterday! She is feeling ok after her shots and is sleeping fairly well through the nights (usually up once in the middle of the night this week). She smiles at me a lot now and is starting to laugh too! She LOVES her activity mat, especially the lights on the fisher price mat. She is still having fussy periods in the day, usually late afternoon is the worst, but once she is asleep for the night, she stays down well. She's a happy and healthy girl! <3
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Total Confusion...
First, yesterday:
Legally:
Mike and I had a good conversation in the morning regarding "business" matters. Lloyd's vet visit, the renter's check, insurance things for Iris, etc. It was a productive call. We also skyped last night, so that Mike could see Iris. She promptly fell asleep within 5 minutes of the chat, but I tried. We discussed Mike's feelings and how he was doing and he mentioned (again) wanting to find a one-bedroom apartment and wants to get out of the townhouse. Not sure where this leaves me from a financial obligation, as my name is on the lease and the utilties.
Feelings:
I have no idea. I'm so angry with him for not caring. And for being able to do this to me. And for not even trying to stop, even now. I'm angry that he still puts this all on me and is still lying to his family and friends abotu what has honestly gone on. He told Mary that I left because he "couldn't give me what I wanted right now, and couldn't love me back enough". This is true, but this is NOT why I left. I left because I had asked for one thing in order for me to stay in our marital home as a family: that he NOT communicate with the whore and try and make an effort to engage himself in our marriage, to try and get back some of his lost feelings. He DID NOT stop communicating with the woman, that was why I left. Plain and simple. He "can't:" stop and "isn't in control of his feelings"....what a crock of shit. So now, on top of wanting me to leave our home, which is the other main reason I had to leave, he is playing the pity party card and telling all of his friends and family that he's sad, lonely, and miserable because I left because things have been difficult for us. WTF. I mean, really. I was willing to sit it out if reality was that Mike just didn't love me back enough and needed time. I was willing to go to counseling and do whatever it took to get those feelings back for Mike, so that we could be happy and be a family. But I cannot sit around and make a home for a man that can't even try and give half of his efforts to me, his wife. He said that I was putting words in his mouth when I say that I'm not number one in Mike's life, but how can I be number one if he puts some other woman's feelings above mine, every. single. time.?! He hates me so much at this point that I don't even know if there's any chance of recovery, but having another person involved only adds to the distance between us.
Also note that is all of the above words, none of them addressed my feelings. We still don't really do that. Because it's about Mike. It's the Mike show, even now. He doesn't care about how I'm feeling or doing. I don't even think he cares much that he has literally ended my world, as I knew it, and pushed me in to creating a completely new one at age 30, with a new born. Alone. I am without a partner, without a love and best friend, and he's feeling sorry for himself because the house, that he didn't want me in, feels empty and sad. No shit it does. I put the home in to that house. And still he continues with a woman that will never love him or treat him the way that I do. She would not stick around for two months after finding out that he is cheating on her. She will not love him at his worst, and will not forgive him every time he gets angry and says all of the meanest things he can think of at once, just to hurt her. Ugh, anyway, I'm alone and I hate it. I miss Mike. I miss my home and my family, pets included. And to top it off, he keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. Actually no, he tells me he misses both Iris and I, which really equates to Iris, not me. He loves me, like one loves a pet gerbil, but he is not in love with me. He resents and despises me.
Alas, life continues and so must I.
Iris:
The beautiful baby was two months old yesterday and she's wonderful! She had her two month appointment today which included immuizations, resulting in three shots to her beautiful chubby thighs. It's possibyl the most heartbreaking thing to see your perfect child be stuck with a needle, she was miserable and spend a lot of the evening screaming, due to tiredness and injection site pain, I think. My Dad and I took her for a walk to try and put her to sleep, which worked temporarily, but ultimately, she eventually screamed herself to sleep in my arms, and sometimes my Mom's arms. Such a gorgeous baby, and such a happy baby most of the time. She's growing "like a weed" as the doctor said, which he was really happy with. Love that beautiful angel, she makes it all worthwhile!!
Legally:
Mike and I had a good conversation in the morning regarding "business" matters. Lloyd's vet visit, the renter's check, insurance things for Iris, etc. It was a productive call. We also skyped last night, so that Mike could see Iris. She promptly fell asleep within 5 minutes of the chat, but I tried. We discussed Mike's feelings and how he was doing and he mentioned (again) wanting to find a one-bedroom apartment and wants to get out of the townhouse. Not sure where this leaves me from a financial obligation, as my name is on the lease and the utilties.
Feelings:
I have no idea. I'm so angry with him for not caring. And for being able to do this to me. And for not even trying to stop, even now. I'm angry that he still puts this all on me and is still lying to his family and friends abotu what has honestly gone on. He told Mary that I left because he "couldn't give me what I wanted right now, and couldn't love me back enough". This is true, but this is NOT why I left. I left because I had asked for one thing in order for me to stay in our marital home as a family: that he NOT communicate with the whore and try and make an effort to engage himself in our marriage, to try and get back some of his lost feelings. He DID NOT stop communicating with the woman, that was why I left. Plain and simple. He "can't:" stop and "isn't in control of his feelings"....what a crock of shit. So now, on top of wanting me to leave our home, which is the other main reason I had to leave, he is playing the pity party card and telling all of his friends and family that he's sad, lonely, and miserable because I left because things have been difficult for us. WTF. I mean, really. I was willing to sit it out if reality was that Mike just didn't love me back enough and needed time. I was willing to go to counseling and do whatever it took to get those feelings back for Mike, so that we could be happy and be a family. But I cannot sit around and make a home for a man that can't even try and give half of his efforts to me, his wife. He said that I was putting words in his mouth when I say that I'm not number one in Mike's life, but how can I be number one if he puts some other woman's feelings above mine, every. single. time.?! He hates me so much at this point that I don't even know if there's any chance of recovery, but having another person involved only adds to the distance between us.
Also note that is all of the above words, none of them addressed my feelings. We still don't really do that. Because it's about Mike. It's the Mike show, even now. He doesn't care about how I'm feeling or doing. I don't even think he cares much that he has literally ended my world, as I knew it, and pushed me in to creating a completely new one at age 30, with a new born. Alone. I am without a partner, without a love and best friend, and he's feeling sorry for himself because the house, that he didn't want me in, feels empty and sad. No shit it does. I put the home in to that house. And still he continues with a woman that will never love him or treat him the way that I do. She would not stick around for two months after finding out that he is cheating on her. She will not love him at his worst, and will not forgive him every time he gets angry and says all of the meanest things he can think of at once, just to hurt her. Ugh, anyway, I'm alone and I hate it. I miss Mike. I miss my home and my family, pets included. And to top it off, he keeps telling me he loves me and misses me. Actually no, he tells me he misses both Iris and I, which really equates to Iris, not me. He loves me, like one loves a pet gerbil, but he is not in love with me. He resents and despises me.
Alas, life continues and so must I.
Iris:
The beautiful baby was two months old yesterday and she's wonderful! She had her two month appointment today which included immuizations, resulting in three shots to her beautiful chubby thighs. It's possibyl the most heartbreaking thing to see your perfect child be stuck with a needle, she was miserable and spend a lot of the evening screaming, due to tiredness and injection site pain, I think. My Dad and I took her for a walk to try and put her to sleep, which worked temporarily, but ultimately, she eventually screamed herself to sleep in my arms, and sometimes my Mom's arms. Such a gorgeous baby, and such a happy baby most of the time. She's growing "like a weed" as the doctor said, which he was really happy with. Love that beautiful angel, she makes it all worthwhile!!
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
Day One of my unwanted new life...
So, the other side of marriage. The one where your marriage falls apart after one or both of you does something really, really bad. That's where I am these days. This blog is intended for self expression and documentation purposes only and should not be held against me, ever, if Mike and I manage to save our marriage (not looking good at this point...just saying).
Here's how I'm going to do each post:
-Documentation of anything that might be used in court
-My feelings (heaven help us)
-Iris: pictures, what big thing happened today, etc.
So, on day one of being a full resident in my parents home, with my 8 week old baby, I am sad.
For the courts:
Mike agreed that he overreacted yesterday (out of anger over the coffee maker, among other [lack of] things and said that he would not close our joint account. He said he would continue to pay our/my bills until I have a job. He said that he didn't want to put that financial burden on me right now. He ignored my call in the evening, after we had texted earlier in the day (I was calling to ask about the renter's check, Lloyd's missed vet visit, and why he's such an asshat and whether he's still fucking a woman at work-literally, they haven't even spent a night having normal sex in bed with sleeping afterwards).
For me:
I am still devastated. I feel like a walking zombie still, most of the time. I am trying to do my best for Iris, though being the perfect creature, I think she deserves more than this and I want to be the best version of myself for her. I am furious with Mike, though it's sometimes are to pinpoint just one thing, as I am now reeling with too many feelings and thoughts about why our marriage failed (
apart from the obvious "he slept with and fell in love with another woman" thing). Today, I'm mad that he didn't try at all to make things happier, for himself or for me. I'm mad that he didn't tell me he was unhappy before resorting to someone else for happiness. I'm pissed that he called me selfish for bringing Iris to Raleigh, when in reality this is absolutely best for her, as it's best for me.
Mike has no idea how this really feels. To have your heart shredded, multiple times, by the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend. To have everything you thought was certain, removed. To have your world literally thrown upside down, with me just scrambling to try and pick up the shattered pieces. He has no idea how this feels, while he stays comfortable in his job, home and with his new "love of his life". For me, staying in Nashville was just no longer an option at all. He is still in love with someone that isn't me and isn't trying to stop or to fix our marriage, at all. He didn't want me in our home anymore. So, beaten down, miserable, defeated and completely lacking in any self-esteem and self-worth, I removed myself from Mike's world, per his wishes. And along with that comes Iris. Mike doesn't want me to call him a bad father, but he is absolutely mediocre at best. He isn't home much (a side effect of having a relationship at work no doubt), and when he is home is thinking about how hard his life is because he's in love with someone that isn't living in his home. He's changed a handfull of diapers in 8 weeks (not an exaggeration) and has gotten up ONCE to feed her. It was really nice of him to do it and I was so grateful, but honestly, ONCE. And he calls himself a good Dad because he sits on the couch and watches sports and pretends to care for her. Real parents do a little more than that, and would know how to do more, should the occassion arise. He doesn't know how to make formula, how to bath her alone, how to take care of her. I do all of these things. And even with a broken heart, I do them all to the best of my ability. I removed Iris and I from this shitty situation that was Nashville these days so that I could regain my strength, and could then be the best Mother I can be to her. I need to have self-worth and security in my surroundings so that I can provide that to her, so that she can learn how important those things are. I want her to know how wonderful and amazing she is so that this never happens to her, and I can't do that if I'm being emotionally and mentally beaten down every day by a man that's supposed to love me, but doesn't.
Speaking of selfish, how ridiculous is it that Mike even gets to complain about what I took from the house? He has actually destroyed my world and he has the audacity to shout about a coffee maker?! What a douche bag. The 'Mike Show' lives on, that's for sure. Not to mention the lack of love, the lack of interest in anything I do, say or am, is overwhelming. The lack of orgasms doesn't help either. I think I hate Mike so much I wonder how I ever loved him so much, but then I admit that I still love him more than anything else and still hope that there's hope for us in the future. I don't know how, because he won't go to counseling, but I want so badly for our marriage to be saved. I hope that I can forgive him and that he can forgive me (he needs to get over it, she's fucking perfect and he wanted a fucking family-what a control freak), and ultimately we can come out of this on the other side, better for it all. Realistically, this seems extremely unlikely. But the Cinderella in me really hopes that it works out.
That's it for now, I'll be back to vent a lot more later.
Oh, and today Iris really did grab hold of a lot of things and know about it. She spent a few hours in the Becco carrier and loved it, and has been smiling soo much at everyone. She's perfect! She is the shining light in all of this mess, she truly makes every day worth living!
Here's how I'm going to do each post:
-Documentation of anything that might be used in court
-My feelings (heaven help us)
-Iris: pictures, what big thing happened today, etc.
So, on day one of being a full resident in my parents home, with my 8 week old baby, I am sad.
For the courts:
Mike agreed that he overreacted yesterday (out of anger over the coffee maker, among other [lack of] things and said that he would not close our joint account. He said he would continue to pay our/my bills until I have a job. He said that he didn't want to put that financial burden on me right now. He ignored my call in the evening, after we had texted earlier in the day (I was calling to ask about the renter's check, Lloyd's missed vet visit, and why he's such an asshat and whether he's still fucking a woman at work-literally, they haven't even spent a night having normal sex in bed with sleeping afterwards).
For me:
I am still devastated. I feel like a walking zombie still, most of the time. I am trying to do my best for Iris, though being the perfect creature, I think she deserves more than this and I want to be the best version of myself for her. I am furious with Mike, though it's sometimes are to pinpoint just one thing, as I am now reeling with too many feelings and thoughts about why our marriage failed (
apart from the obvious "he slept with and fell in love with another woman" thing). Today, I'm mad that he didn't try at all to make things happier, for himself or for me. I'm mad that he didn't tell me he was unhappy before resorting to someone else for happiness. I'm pissed that he called me selfish for bringing Iris to Raleigh, when in reality this is absolutely best for her, as it's best for me.
Mike has no idea how this really feels. To have your heart shredded, multiple times, by the man you thought was your soul mate and best friend. To have everything you thought was certain, removed. To have your world literally thrown upside down, with me just scrambling to try and pick up the shattered pieces. He has no idea how this feels, while he stays comfortable in his job, home and with his new "love of his life". For me, staying in Nashville was just no longer an option at all. He is still in love with someone that isn't me and isn't trying to stop or to fix our marriage, at all. He didn't want me in our home anymore. So, beaten down, miserable, defeated and completely lacking in any self-esteem and self-worth, I removed myself from Mike's world, per his wishes. And along with that comes Iris. Mike doesn't want me to call him a bad father, but he is absolutely mediocre at best. He isn't home much (a side effect of having a relationship at work no doubt), and when he is home is thinking about how hard his life is because he's in love with someone that isn't living in his home. He's changed a handfull of diapers in 8 weeks (not an exaggeration) and has gotten up ONCE to feed her. It was really nice of him to do it and I was so grateful, but honestly, ONCE. And he calls himself a good Dad because he sits on the couch and watches sports and pretends to care for her. Real parents do a little more than that, and would know how to do more, should the occassion arise. He doesn't know how to make formula, how to bath her alone, how to take care of her. I do all of these things. And even with a broken heart, I do them all to the best of my ability. I removed Iris and I from this shitty situation that was Nashville these days so that I could regain my strength, and could then be the best Mother I can be to her. I need to have self-worth and security in my surroundings so that I can provide that to her, so that she can learn how important those things are. I want her to know how wonderful and amazing she is so that this never happens to her, and I can't do that if I'm being emotionally and mentally beaten down every day by a man that's supposed to love me, but doesn't.
Speaking of selfish, how ridiculous is it that Mike even gets to complain about what I took from the house? He has actually destroyed my world and he has the audacity to shout about a coffee maker?! What a douche bag. The 'Mike Show' lives on, that's for sure. Not to mention the lack of love, the lack of interest in anything I do, say or am, is overwhelming. The lack of orgasms doesn't help either. I think I hate Mike so much I wonder how I ever loved him so much, but then I admit that I still love him more than anything else and still hope that there's hope for us in the future. I don't know how, because he won't go to counseling, but I want so badly for our marriage to be saved. I hope that I can forgive him and that he can forgive me (he needs to get over it, she's fucking perfect and he wanted a fucking family-what a control freak), and ultimately we can come out of this on the other side, better for it all. Realistically, this seems extremely unlikely. But the Cinderella in me really hopes that it works out.
That's it for now, I'll be back to vent a lot more later.
Oh, and today Iris really did grab hold of a lot of things and know about it. She spent a few hours in the Becco carrier and loved it, and has been smiling soo much at everyone. She's perfect! She is the shining light in all of this mess, she truly makes every day worth living!
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