Legally:
I haven't posted in awhile so I'm sure there is lots. Mike visited last week, he had Iris Tuesday night-Thursday night and went home Friday morning. He gave us $300 for the month for child support and is not paying anything for daycare (still unsure about this regarding the tax situation, but it's the end of the month now). He has also said he will not paying anything at all in April, and will resume paying for half of daycare and child support in May. He stopped wearing his wedding band on Tuesday of last week. I have not been back in contact with any lawyers, I cannot afford to meet with anyone yet and am unable to file anything legally in NC until June or July. We have been texting most days and have talked on the phone a few times since his visit. He still speaks to Jennifer every day, tells her he loves her and sees her outside of work once a week (that's what he told me).
Emotionally:
I hate his visits. They make me more sad each time, as I watch the distance push us apart and the love disappear. He is still telling another woman he loves her and he has no such things to say to me until we are arguing about it. He says that he wants to move closer, to Greenville, SC, but I have already declared my bottom line about moving again and he feels this is unfair that I won't "meet him halfway". I went all the way with moving previously and it left me alone and heart broken, with no support or love to be found. And he asked me what the point of him stopping seeing her is if I dont' want to reconcile....are you serious?! He can't understand why stopping his relationship with someone that isn't his wife would be an important first step?!?! How am I supposed to fix a marriage with someone who can say that to me? With someone that can continue to break my heart every single time he sees me? He doesn't love me, despite saying he does, because love doesn't look or sound the way Mike is presenting it. And love is never having to ask your husband if he is still telling someone else that he loves her. I still wish he would be kind and just tell me he doesn't love me and wants to get divorced, it would hurt so much less overall I think. I don't know how I'm supposed to move on or forward with the situation being as it is now. I feel guilty for not being loving towards him and for not trying harder to make him love me, but haven't I done enough? Haven't I begged him to choose me enough? When does he beg me for love? When does he make an effort for Iris and I, and our family? I feel like I'm ruining Iris' life but at the same time know that I can't go back to a marriage without love for me included and don't know what to do. Mike gives me just enough encouragement to keep me feeling confused and trapped, and then bad for trying to move on.
Moving on. The impossible task. I have a friend, Dennis, that has been a good companion over the last three months. He has listened, kept me company, and offered me an outlet from the life I live every day, even if it's just watching basketball or a terrible reality TV show. We are friends and that is all. Mike is upset about Dennis because we interact on FB and he thinks I am dating and/or possibly sleeping with him, and that this is why I stopped wearing my rings. None of that is true. I cannot imagine sleeping with another person, it's too painful and overwhelming. And I have no idea how I'm ever supposed to fall in love again, if that is even possible. So Mike thinks I'm now doing the same thing he is doing, and he's mad. #1. I'm not, and I wouldn't. #2. How can he possibly be mad about that even if I were, after what's he done?! He brings sexual things in to our marriage that he learned/does with her, there is nothing more awful. He is still having sex with her, every week, and has the nerve to accuse me of doing anything wrong? It's so out of line I don't know what to say to him, and it's unfair that I have to be put in to the same category as him, so that he can make himself feel better. He really doesn't love me, and I have to keep telling myself this. If he did, none of these conversations or arguments would even exist. I'm alone, so alone. And he did this to me, continues to do this to me every day.
Iris:
Despite it all, the beautiful angel continues to thrive! She had a stomach bug last week that she passed on to Mike, myself, and my parents, and I think she is still having a little bit of backlash from that this week even. She likes daycare, she seems happy on the cameras and when I pick her up and is, as always, just a generally happy baby. She is now rolling over, laughing a lot, and loving baths! Nothing makes her happier than splashing around in the tub for awhile. She had some more shots at her 4 month appointment and now weight 12lb, 3oz. She's amazing, she's so strong and alert, she loves to look around at everything and doesn't want to miss out on anything. I thin she might be ready to start some solid foods soon, she seems to like the look of our food and is really advanced, so I think 5 months will be a good time to start cereal or something light like that. She still gets up once in the night, but she's right back to sleep after that is doing so well! She's the bright spot in my day every day, and I love her for that along with just being completely enamored with her anyway! Such a funny, happy girl!
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Road to Recovery
Legally:
Mike visited last week and we discussed finances a little and our status. He is still seeing Jennifer, he still loves her, and he met her children. After the visit, on Thursday, I received a text from Mike with a picture of an email and a comment "that he didnt' know what to do and is about ready to let me file for divorce." The email was sent to Jennifer and contained a lot of harsh, unkind statements and questions to her. Mike is upset with me because he thinks that I wrote it or had someone write it. This is not the case at all. I would not stoop to this level nor am I angry enough to follow-through on doing something so mean and unproductive. Since then, we emailed and texted a little and then skyped on Sunday so that he could see Iris. I spent $20 yesterday on formula at Walmart from Mike's account (I texted him to let him know before I did it).
Emotionally:
I feel very differently this week. I am almost relieved that it's over, that I can be done trying to love Mike as he is now. Last week was very hard for me and his visit made me very sad overall, and we didn't part of great terms (not bad, just sad more than anything). I am devastated that he met her children, that he is really considering if he can take on her whole package. She isn't just her in real life, which I understand because now I am not either, and she is selling Mike on her family and the life they could have together. I don't know how he really feels about the idea of taking on her children and that responsibility, but I imagine he can't want to raise someone else's kids when he isn't sure if he wants to deal with his own most days. Either way, I can't really believe that he met them, that she introduced her "friend" to her babies, how could she do that?! After a tough few days with Mike, this piece of information just topped off what I already knew, which is that I had to distance myself.
I took Wednesday to feel sorry for myself and woke up Thurseday resolved. I didn't wear my rings for the first time on purpose and began calling lawyers to make appointments (I only plan to keep one, but I wanted information on pricing, etc). My mom and I spent the day buying my Daddy a car and then we came home for the end of the afternoon. In the late afternoon, I received Mike's text about the email (weird that he texted me a picture and didn't just send the email, right?!) and he yelled at me and my Mother on the phone. His behavior solidified what I had already begun that day and I feel so glad that I had already made that decision before he freaked out, but it only helped to make me feel better about my choice. I feel a great sense of distance now from him, I didn't feel the same seeing him on Sunday (on skype) and I am not missing him as much every day. It is still there, I still think about him a lot and he is somehow attached to soo many things every day, but it's better and I am a lot less sad than I have been. Between my family, friends and counselor, I am finally out of the darkest place, I hope.
Now to focus on finalizing a job, getting my finances and plans in order, and being the absolute best parent I can be!
Iris:
I weighed her with me yesterday and she is 11.6 lbs! She hasn't gained as much weight in the last 8 weeks as I'd hoped, but she's healthy and happy and I feed her every single chance she'll let me, so I'm sure it's all ok. She has been incredibly chatty and engaging the last few days. She razz's, coo's and "talks" all the time when she's awake, it's amazing! She can also lift her head to 90 degrees during tummy time and look around while doing this, definitely a change from a few weeks ago (so much stronger)! She had a few weird nights of sleep, getting up more than once, but last night she slept from 7p-6:45a, which is awesome. I was still awake at 1:15a panicing, but that's my problem not hers. We are taking Iris to the beach this weekend, I think she's going to love it!
Mike visited last week and we discussed finances a little and our status. He is still seeing Jennifer, he still loves her, and he met her children. After the visit, on Thursday, I received a text from Mike with a picture of an email and a comment "that he didnt' know what to do and is about ready to let me file for divorce." The email was sent to Jennifer and contained a lot of harsh, unkind statements and questions to her. Mike is upset with me because he thinks that I wrote it or had someone write it. This is not the case at all. I would not stoop to this level nor am I angry enough to follow-through on doing something so mean and unproductive. Since then, we emailed and texted a little and then skyped on Sunday so that he could see Iris. I spent $20 yesterday on formula at Walmart from Mike's account (I texted him to let him know before I did it).
Emotionally:
I feel very differently this week. I am almost relieved that it's over, that I can be done trying to love Mike as he is now. Last week was very hard for me and his visit made me very sad overall, and we didn't part of great terms (not bad, just sad more than anything). I am devastated that he met her children, that he is really considering if he can take on her whole package. She isn't just her in real life, which I understand because now I am not either, and she is selling Mike on her family and the life they could have together. I don't know how he really feels about the idea of taking on her children and that responsibility, but I imagine he can't want to raise someone else's kids when he isn't sure if he wants to deal with his own most days. Either way, I can't really believe that he met them, that she introduced her "friend" to her babies, how could she do that?! After a tough few days with Mike, this piece of information just topped off what I already knew, which is that I had to distance myself.
I took Wednesday to feel sorry for myself and woke up Thurseday resolved. I didn't wear my rings for the first time on purpose and began calling lawyers to make appointments (I only plan to keep one, but I wanted information on pricing, etc). My mom and I spent the day buying my Daddy a car and then we came home for the end of the afternoon. In the late afternoon, I received Mike's text about the email (weird that he texted me a picture and didn't just send the email, right?!) and he yelled at me and my Mother on the phone. His behavior solidified what I had already begun that day and I feel so glad that I had already made that decision before he freaked out, but it only helped to make me feel better about my choice. I feel a great sense of distance now from him, I didn't feel the same seeing him on Sunday (on skype) and I am not missing him as much every day. It is still there, I still think about him a lot and he is somehow attached to soo many things every day, but it's better and I am a lot less sad than I have been. Between my family, friends and counselor, I am finally out of the darkest place, I hope.
Now to focus on finalizing a job, getting my finances and plans in order, and being the absolute best parent I can be!
Iris:
I weighed her with me yesterday and she is 11.6 lbs! She hasn't gained as much weight in the last 8 weeks as I'd hoped, but she's healthy and happy and I feed her every single chance she'll let me, so I'm sure it's all ok. She has been incredibly chatty and engaging the last few days. She razz's, coo's and "talks" all the time when she's awake, it's amazing! She can also lift her head to 90 degrees during tummy time and look around while doing this, definitely a change from a few weeks ago (so much stronger)! She had a few weird nights of sleep, getting up more than once, but last night she slept from 7p-6:45a, which is awesome. I was still awake at 1:15a panicing, but that's my problem not hers. We are taking Iris to the beach this weekend, I think she's going to love it!
Monday, February 18, 2013
Bottom Lines
Legally:
Mike is here to visit this weekend. We are meeting with the minister at our local church today to discuss christening details for Iris. Mike and I had a longer conversation last night regarding our situation. He does not want to move forward with legal proceedings, nor does he really even want to discuss them. He mentioned that he did not agree to Iris leaving the state (not true at all) and that I should have tried harder to stay in TN so that he could see her. He also said that he is still communicating with HER and that he still has feelings for her, and that she might be a better fit for him.
Feelings:
I finally stated my bottom line last night: that I won't be moving away from here. I think he knew it, but it was good to go ahead and say it out loud and have it on the table. Mike said that he didn't know if he wanted to move here, and that he still doesn't feel strongly enough about he and I to do that at this point. I guess he doesn't realize that he will never feel that strongly for me as long as he's spreading his feelings over two women. Which he is, still. I feel heart broken all over again today, I let myself get my hopes up that he might actually be stopping that relationship and actually want to save our marriage. He did say Sorry last night, and he did admit that his actions are the reason we are in the situation we are in now. We talked more about the baby and the pregnancy, and my reasons for doing that, and we talked a little about why he cheated (that the pregnancy had a lot to do with it and he doesn't think he would have done it if the pregnancy had been different), and he said that he should have stopped and didn't, and let it get too far. He also now says that he wonders if he has a better connection with her, if they are a better fit. I think that's his way of saying that he think that they are, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But it's not real, they don't have a real relationship yet, it's still pretend, it isn't based in real life. I just don't think I can compete with her when I'm not there, and when she's feeding him all this crap every day. I have to get out, I have to step back and move away from this emotionally. I thought I was doing it, but I'm right back here again.
And I'm swamped with guilt at the moment. Guilt for what I've done to Iris' life, forever. I feel awful for creating an environment where she has no father-figure every day, she will only have a Daddy that visits and sees her randomly. I want the best of everything for her, and that includes a Dad that will be there every day, to see her ride a bike, celebrate exciting things, help her when she's sad or having a tough day. Because of me, she won't have that.
Today he said that he would have wanted to wait a few years before having a baby, but that he loves her very much. He also said that the other woman is moving to CA soon, once her divorce is final (three months in TN). He said he isn't going to move there, that he doesn't want to be further away from Iris and wouldn't go that far away from her. But he can't stop his relationship even though it is coming to an end (sometime relatively soon) and he can't say that he could be happy with me, even with her out of the picture. He said that our expectations for our marriage were different (which I have said before, and which we obviously never discussed openly or honestly), and also that he feels we are competative with each other, which I dont' agree with. He said that he doesn't have expectations with her, which makes it an easy thing and that they don't fight because of this. I don't know what all of this means or where it leaves me, but I think it leaves me with a cheating Husband who doesn't want to stop and doesn't love me enough to even try.
Iris:
We arranged a date for her baptism today, which is nice. She seems happy this weekend with Mike, she had a fussy time last night but has been a good girl since then. I just put away some more of her clothes that are too small now, so crazy how quickly she grows! I have to go and get a paper filled out at the doctors and then she is all set for daycare, whenever that is. Our baby is growing and changing so fast!
Mike is here to visit this weekend. We are meeting with the minister at our local church today to discuss christening details for Iris. Mike and I had a longer conversation last night regarding our situation. He does not want to move forward with legal proceedings, nor does he really even want to discuss them. He mentioned that he did not agree to Iris leaving the state (not true at all) and that I should have tried harder to stay in TN so that he could see her. He also said that he is still communicating with HER and that he still has feelings for her, and that she might be a better fit for him.
Feelings:
I finally stated my bottom line last night: that I won't be moving away from here. I think he knew it, but it was good to go ahead and say it out loud and have it on the table. Mike said that he didn't know if he wanted to move here, and that he still doesn't feel strongly enough about he and I to do that at this point. I guess he doesn't realize that he will never feel that strongly for me as long as he's spreading his feelings over two women. Which he is, still. I feel heart broken all over again today, I let myself get my hopes up that he might actually be stopping that relationship and actually want to save our marriage. He did say Sorry last night, and he did admit that his actions are the reason we are in the situation we are in now. We talked more about the baby and the pregnancy, and my reasons for doing that, and we talked a little about why he cheated (that the pregnancy had a lot to do with it and he doesn't think he would have done it if the pregnancy had been different), and he said that he should have stopped and didn't, and let it get too far. He also now says that he wonders if he has a better connection with her, if they are a better fit. I think that's his way of saying that he think that they are, but doesn't want to hurt my feelings. But it's not real, they don't have a real relationship yet, it's still pretend, it isn't based in real life. I just don't think I can compete with her when I'm not there, and when she's feeding him all this crap every day. I have to get out, I have to step back and move away from this emotionally. I thought I was doing it, but I'm right back here again.
And I'm swamped with guilt at the moment. Guilt for what I've done to Iris' life, forever. I feel awful for creating an environment where she has no father-figure every day, she will only have a Daddy that visits and sees her randomly. I want the best of everything for her, and that includes a Dad that will be there every day, to see her ride a bike, celebrate exciting things, help her when she's sad or having a tough day. Because of me, she won't have that.
Today he said that he would have wanted to wait a few years before having a baby, but that he loves her very much. He also said that the other woman is moving to CA soon, once her divorce is final (three months in TN). He said he isn't going to move there, that he doesn't want to be further away from Iris and wouldn't go that far away from her. But he can't stop his relationship even though it is coming to an end (sometime relatively soon) and he can't say that he could be happy with me, even with her out of the picture. He said that our expectations for our marriage were different (which I have said before, and which we obviously never discussed openly or honestly), and also that he feels we are competative with each other, which I dont' agree with. He said that he doesn't have expectations with her, which makes it an easy thing and that they don't fight because of this. I don't know what all of this means or where it leaves me, but I think it leaves me with a cheating Husband who doesn't want to stop and doesn't love me enough to even try.
Iris:
We arranged a date for her baptism today, which is nice. She seems happy this weekend with Mike, she had a fussy time last night but has been a good girl since then. I just put away some more of her clothes that are too small now, so crazy how quickly she grows! I have to go and get a paper filled out at the doctors and then she is all set for daycare, whenever that is. Our baby is growing and changing so fast!
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Distance over time
Legally:
Paid my cell phone bill today from our joint account. No contact with Mike at all today.
Feelings:
The fact that Mike hurting my feelings on Sunday has led to three days of barely interacting, after a "nice" trip to Gatlinburg, says a lot about the reality of our situation. Mike obviously feels so strongly for me that he doesn't even want to bother communicating with me today, that he "needs" his space and time apart. Marriages aren't about time apart, they are about working together to get through tough times and happy times. Each day I feel a little stronger in my decision to stop loving him, thought that is still going to take a lot of time to actually achieve. Over and over this week I have been thinking about the lies, one in particular that sticks out. When Mike was booking my flight back to Nashville for Christmas time (booked over Thanksgiving), I looked at him and asked him if it was a good idea. He bore in to my eyes with him, touched me, kissed me, and told me it was fine. He booked the flight for me, and then proceeded to email HER, "she just booked her flight for the week between Christmas and New Year, can't wait to spend the week together. Can't stand being apart from you, it's excrutiating." The sencond sentence might be a bit of paraphrasing, I can't remember the words exactly, but still. It has been replaying over and over in my head, how he could look at me and make me believe him, all the while knowing he was lying right to my face, taking advantage of my love for him. I don't know if he spent the entire week with her in the end, but he lied to me. And didn't have any remorse about doing it, he couldn't wait to email her and tell her that their time together was happening, because he got rid of me. That's what hurts the most, not the act of cheating (though that kills me too), but the constant and continuous lies that just keep on coming. I can't take any more lies, I'm beaten down with them all. He just won't be honest and I am drowned in the misery of the lies. Why do I not deserve more than this? Why am I only worth someone that cares so little he can keep treating me this way? He can't possibly love me if he can keep this behavior up, I do realize that most of the time. But I want him to love me so badly, and I'm so defeated after three years of being mentally beaten down, that I'm not sure I can step away. Maybe I am only worth this, only worth what Mike can give me, I have done things wrong and I am not a wonderful woman by many standards. I wanted to be enough, and I had hoped that I was, but obviously I am not. I feel like i will never be enough for anyone at this point.
Iris:
She's great! She is a beautiful, happy girl and I love her! I filled out her paperwork for daycare today, will return it next week and get her all set-up. There are definite patterns in her day now, which is nice, and I am glad to be able to tell the carers about this rather than it being a free-for-all everyday, it makes our days a bit more structured too (not a lot, but a bit!).
Paid my cell phone bill today from our joint account. No contact with Mike at all today.
Feelings:
The fact that Mike hurting my feelings on Sunday has led to three days of barely interacting, after a "nice" trip to Gatlinburg, says a lot about the reality of our situation. Mike obviously feels so strongly for me that he doesn't even want to bother communicating with me today, that he "needs" his space and time apart. Marriages aren't about time apart, they are about working together to get through tough times and happy times. Each day I feel a little stronger in my decision to stop loving him, thought that is still going to take a lot of time to actually achieve. Over and over this week I have been thinking about the lies, one in particular that sticks out. When Mike was booking my flight back to Nashville for Christmas time (booked over Thanksgiving), I looked at him and asked him if it was a good idea. He bore in to my eyes with him, touched me, kissed me, and told me it was fine. He booked the flight for me, and then proceeded to email HER, "she just booked her flight for the week between Christmas and New Year, can't wait to spend the week together. Can't stand being apart from you, it's excrutiating." The sencond sentence might be a bit of paraphrasing, I can't remember the words exactly, but still. It has been replaying over and over in my head, how he could look at me and make me believe him, all the while knowing he was lying right to my face, taking advantage of my love for him. I don't know if he spent the entire week with her in the end, but he lied to me. And didn't have any remorse about doing it, he couldn't wait to email her and tell her that their time together was happening, because he got rid of me. That's what hurts the most, not the act of cheating (though that kills me too), but the constant and continuous lies that just keep on coming. I can't take any more lies, I'm beaten down with them all. He just won't be honest and I am drowned in the misery of the lies. Why do I not deserve more than this? Why am I only worth someone that cares so little he can keep treating me this way? He can't possibly love me if he can keep this behavior up, I do realize that most of the time. But I want him to love me so badly, and I'm so defeated after three years of being mentally beaten down, that I'm not sure I can step away. Maybe I am only worth this, only worth what Mike can give me, I have done things wrong and I am not a wonderful woman by many standards. I wanted to be enough, and I had hoped that I was, but obviously I am not. I feel like i will never be enough for anyone at this point.
Iris:
She's great! She is a beautiful, happy girl and I love her! I filled out her paperwork for daycare today, will return it next week and get her all set-up. There are definite patterns in her day now, which is nice, and I am glad to be able to tell the carers about this rather than it being a free-for-all everyday, it makes our days a bit more structured too (not a lot, but a bit!).
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Disenchanted
Legally:
Signed Iris up for daycare today. She starts on March 4th, unless a job dictates otherwise. There was a $100 deposit that Mike paid. I closed my personal BBT account yesterday, the account now only has Mike's money and information associated with it. I received Mike's electric bill in the mail, I let him know this and he can pay it as he wishes. I did mention that he still needs to update the contact information on the utility accounts.
Feelings:
The counselor used a word I liked today: disenchanted. We were discussing my stipulations for salvaging our marriage and attempting to make things better, and she said that if he doesn't stop the deceipt and the evading, that things will only get worse for us and I will continue to become more and more disenchanted. I think this is the perfect word for what I've been feeling more of lately, I am absolutely not in love with Mike the way I used to be. I don't see him the same way. To look at him, I feel less overcome with emotion, and to think about him, I just don't really remember good things anymore. I still have a glimmer of hope for us as a couple, but more and more I can coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is likely over. There is so much gone wrong, so many lies and so much hurt, that I just don't know if even my optimism can dig out of the hole we're in. Mike and I emailed back and forth a little yesterday, first about some non-feeling matters (daycare and his bill), and then about the state of affairs after the blow-up on Sunday. His temail suggested that he just doesn't know if we can be happy together, which I've thought a lot about too over the last two days. I am not even sure he would know how to begin to make me happy, he doesn't really ask and probably wouldn't be able to give that much of himself to achieve it, and I now wonder if I know how to do this for him. I thought I did, I thought that I was a good and loving wife every day and that what I was doing was showing him that and making him happy. But obviously I was wrong. I just don't know if I can make him happy at this point, because I'm not new and I'm no longer exciting and "different". There is no way for me to be those things, and if, like a junkie, that's what he craves, then there's no way I can ever be what he wants from here on out. I hope that Mike realizes that everyone becomes "old" news at some point and that life has to go on, but I don't know if he will ever really get it. I think of the day in and day out of married life just as all life, it's the same thing for most people on most days, that's just the routine that we create for ourselves and somewhat what society expects of us. Mike has eluded this in the past by moving and meeting a new woman, until me, and I followed him around and moved to try and keep up, but the move alone wasn't enough to feed the high.
I don't know if Mike will ever be able to apologize for breaking my heart. I wonder about this all of the time. Will he ever be able to open up and tell me the truth, the real truth? I doubt it. I have to ove past him, evolve past him in the mother and woman that this has made me. I am not the same anymore, he and this experience have changed me forever.
Iris:
She made a boyfriend at daycare already! What a little flirt! I think she's really going to like it there, the women seem to take great care of the babies and I feel good about this decision. Not about putting her in care, but about choosing the right place for her at least. She had a great day yesterday, definitely seems in better spirits being at home.
Signed Iris up for daycare today. She starts on March 4th, unless a job dictates otherwise. There was a $100 deposit that Mike paid. I closed my personal BBT account yesterday, the account now only has Mike's money and information associated with it. I received Mike's electric bill in the mail, I let him know this and he can pay it as he wishes. I did mention that he still needs to update the contact information on the utility accounts.
Feelings:
The counselor used a word I liked today: disenchanted. We were discussing my stipulations for salvaging our marriage and attempting to make things better, and she said that if he doesn't stop the deceipt and the evading, that things will only get worse for us and I will continue to become more and more disenchanted. I think this is the perfect word for what I've been feeling more of lately, I am absolutely not in love with Mike the way I used to be. I don't see him the same way. To look at him, I feel less overcome with emotion, and to think about him, I just don't really remember good things anymore. I still have a glimmer of hope for us as a couple, but more and more I can coming to terms with the fact that our marriage is likely over. There is so much gone wrong, so many lies and so much hurt, that I just don't know if even my optimism can dig out of the hole we're in. Mike and I emailed back and forth a little yesterday, first about some non-feeling matters (daycare and his bill), and then about the state of affairs after the blow-up on Sunday. His temail suggested that he just doesn't know if we can be happy together, which I've thought a lot about too over the last two days. I am not even sure he would know how to begin to make me happy, he doesn't really ask and probably wouldn't be able to give that much of himself to achieve it, and I now wonder if I know how to do this for him. I thought I did, I thought that I was a good and loving wife every day and that what I was doing was showing him that and making him happy. But obviously I was wrong. I just don't know if I can make him happy at this point, because I'm not new and I'm no longer exciting and "different". There is no way for me to be those things, and if, like a junkie, that's what he craves, then there's no way I can ever be what he wants from here on out. I hope that Mike realizes that everyone becomes "old" news at some point and that life has to go on, but I don't know if he will ever really get it. I think of the day in and day out of married life just as all life, it's the same thing for most people on most days, that's just the routine that we create for ourselves and somewhat what society expects of us. Mike has eluded this in the past by moving and meeting a new woman, until me, and I followed him around and moved to try and keep up, but the move alone wasn't enough to feed the high.
I don't know if Mike will ever be able to apologize for breaking my heart. I wonder about this all of the time. Will he ever be able to open up and tell me the truth, the real truth? I doubt it. I have to ove past him, evolve past him in the mother and woman that this has made me. I am not the same anymore, he and this experience have changed me forever.
Iris:
She made a boyfriend at daycare already! What a little flirt! I think she's really going to like it there, the women seem to take great care of the babies and I feel good about this decision. Not about putting her in care, but about choosing the right place for her at least. She had a great day yesterday, definitely seems in better spirits being at home.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Legal Separation
Legally:
I'm considering a legal separation. Really considering it, like I want to have papers ready for this weekend. Also, I think I'm going to file my taxes by myself, not together with Mike.
Feelings:
I've really fought against this idea-the legal separation. But if I don't, eventually I think Mike will and it will be harder for me, being here in NC. Also, I want him to know that I mean business. That I'm done waiting for him, no longer begging him to love me and choose me. I want to take a stand for myself and Iris, we deserve better. I deserve better. I think filing for separation will give me the sense of actuality that I need to know that this is all really happening, that Mike is really still lying, manipulating and ultimately still cheating on me. I have to break the pattern that this is ok behavior without consequences. I have to set in motion the future for Iris and I. If I do this, I will not be helping my marriage resusitate, it will be the beginning of the end for us. I will request the money the state suggests, I will not give in and take less, she deserves all of it and I want to start her life off in the right way. I want Iris to have a college fund, dance classes, and everything else she wants that will help her discover the person she is going to be. If Mike is not present every day physically, his money will ensure that she knows she is loved by her father and supported in some way.
I keep thinking about Mike's lies and what he has done to keep me engaged in his deceit and lies to this point. Even when I think back to the tiny debate we had about him "smelling weird" and he saying it was cologne from his Dad, when I knew something wasn't right but let it go, there have been so many lies. So much wrong has been done, he's hurt me and pushed me down so much to keep me where he wants me, in love with him and hopeful for a future, though I don't know that he has any real intention of trying to make that work. He mentioned having another baby together the other day, what am I supposed to do with that?! My heart hurts thinking about how hard the first pregnancy was with him, because of his lack of support and slow, painful torture of me because I did it and he didn't want a baby then.
I know, deep down, that I have to move forward with a separation. It's the best thing for me, which in turns makes it the best for Iris and that's what really matters. She needs the best parent she can get if she is only going to have one every day, and I can't be the absolute best when I am being hurt, abused, and unloved by my husband. Iris will be taught about morals, character, and how to treat people in life, in friendships and in love, and I will make sure that she knows that what her father did is not to be accepted in her life and that she deserves only the highest level of respect, admiration, and adoration from anyone she wants to give her heart to.
Iris:
My perfect angel is sleeping! Nana gave her a 4:00a bottle and she went right back to sleep! So in love!!
I'm considering a legal separation. Really considering it, like I want to have papers ready for this weekend. Also, I think I'm going to file my taxes by myself, not together with Mike.
Feelings:
I've really fought against this idea-the legal separation. But if I don't, eventually I think Mike will and it will be harder for me, being here in NC. Also, I want him to know that I mean business. That I'm done waiting for him, no longer begging him to love me and choose me. I want to take a stand for myself and Iris, we deserve better. I deserve better. I think filing for separation will give me the sense of actuality that I need to know that this is all really happening, that Mike is really still lying, manipulating and ultimately still cheating on me. I have to break the pattern that this is ok behavior without consequences. I have to set in motion the future for Iris and I. If I do this, I will not be helping my marriage resusitate, it will be the beginning of the end for us. I will request the money the state suggests, I will not give in and take less, she deserves all of it and I want to start her life off in the right way. I want Iris to have a college fund, dance classes, and everything else she wants that will help her discover the person she is going to be. If Mike is not present every day physically, his money will ensure that she knows she is loved by her father and supported in some way.
I keep thinking about Mike's lies and what he has done to keep me engaged in his deceit and lies to this point. Even when I think back to the tiny debate we had about him "smelling weird" and he saying it was cologne from his Dad, when I knew something wasn't right but let it go, there have been so many lies. So much wrong has been done, he's hurt me and pushed me down so much to keep me where he wants me, in love with him and hopeful for a future, though I don't know that he has any real intention of trying to make that work. He mentioned having another baby together the other day, what am I supposed to do with that?! My heart hurts thinking about how hard the first pregnancy was with him, because of his lack of support and slow, painful torture of me because I did it and he didn't want a baby then.
I know, deep down, that I have to move forward with a separation. It's the best thing for me, which in turns makes it the best for Iris and that's what really matters. She needs the best parent she can get if she is only going to have one every day, and I can't be the absolute best when I am being hurt, abused, and unloved by my husband. Iris will be taught about morals, character, and how to treat people in life, in friendships and in love, and I will make sure that she knows that what her father did is not to be accepted in her life and that she deserves only the highest level of respect, admiration, and adoration from anyone she wants to give her heart to.
Iris:
My perfect angel is sleeping! Nana gave her a 4:00a bottle and she went right back to sleep! So in love!!
Sunday, February 10, 2013
Really Angry
Legally:
We met Mike in Gatlinburg for two nights (Wed-Fri) and had a good visit. He paid for the hotel, all of the meals other than breakfast on Friday and bought Iris formula. He wanted to meet as a gesture of his love and commitment to trying to make it work. Iris and I then went to visit Mike's mother for two nights. Mike and I had an argument on the phone (I subsequently hung up mid-conversation), that came from an inappropriate tiext that he had sent the night before. We exchanged other texts after the call, and I later attempted to call him back, having to leave a message. I apologized for the hang up and explained that he was welcome to call about Iris anytime, but that I would respect his request for "separation" (two days after wanting to be married and loving me in Gatlinburg) and wouldn't contact him this week prior to his visit. He will be back in Raleigh on Saturday evening for three nights.
Feelings:
I'm so mad I can't see straight. He has no idea how hard all of this is on everyone, he only thinks about himself. He sent a really mean, hurtful text message and then refused to apologize for hurting my feelings, because I was "wrong and that's not what it was" or something. Basically I shouldn't be upset because he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings and therefore I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. It's wrong of me. And then, to make it better, beecause I was mad, he then said that this is why separated people don't talk. Even thought he didn't want to be separated two days prior when he was having sex with me, telling me he loved me and telling me that he wanted to work things out with me. What the fuck. What a moron. He's so selfish and so awful at communication, how can I have possibly married this man?!?! And he hates me. He has to. That is the only reason someone sends a text message like his, and then turns my hurt feelings in to my fault and it all somehow comes back to what I did wrong in marriage, which validates why he's mean and why he cheated. What a horrible person.
He doesn't know how to argue or to take responsibility for anything. He literally can't make him self say the word sorry, he just can't be wrong. It's such an awful and weird thing to witness, because he could have shut me up and saved the situation by simply apologizing, but he'd rather us just not talk than admit he did something that wasn't great. I hate him for what he's done and continues to do to our family and our lives.
He lied to his girlfriend about coming to see us in Gatlinburg. He told his friends and his girlfriend that he was going to Indiana to see his Dad. So now, on top of continuing to lie to me and his friends, he's now lying to the new love of his life as well. And she has no idea. He doesn't want her to know that he's seeing me freely, telling me he loves me, having a romantic time with me. He doesn't want to stop his relationship with her in case he and I are really done, then at least he has a back up plan. Or am I the back up plan? I'm not sure anymore. He lies so much, there's no way to know what's real and what's a lie. But isn't that just the worst thing, that he won't even tell people he's seeing his Wife?! It's heart breaking every time he does this stuff. It just keeps getting worse, every time I think it can't. I know that I have to break free from him, but it's just so hard. I'm so scared to be a single parent, a single person, and an individual again. I wanted to be a great wife, a great mother, and to create a wonderful family. I loved Mike, I really did. But I hate this Mike now, he's selfish, mean, and unloveable. He's a very mediocre parent, and an awful Husband. I know, somewhere within, that I deserve to be treated better, that there will be someone to loves me and appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer in love. But Mike isn't it anymore I don't think, he can't love me and won't make an effort to even try and begin repairing our love and marriage. I'm going to be a divorced 30 year old with a child. I am going to be divorced. Single. Alone. And ultimately I don't know if anyone will ever love me or be able to accept me as I am now, broken, a single parent, diseased, and unloveable? If all I did for Mike wasn't enough, I don't know what else I can do or what more I can be?
Iris:
Iris celebrated her 3 month birthday yesterday! She had a tough few days, I think the driving and constant changes has her worn out and cranky, and she has been crying and fussing a lot. She's so alert and happy though when she's in the zone, it's awesome! She's holding herself upright now and she can lift her head well and move it around during tummy time. Grandma Peg bought her a couple of books with bright pictures and she LOVED them, I am so excited to read them to her again tonight! She is the bright part of the day even when things are awful, my love for her grows every day and I feel so lucky that I get to see her every day, and not intermittently like Mike. I worry about her future a lot, but hope that I will learn to be enough and will show her the right way to live life. I want the absolute best for her and hate that that might be in any way jeopardized because of Mike and I. I will be the best version of myself and the best Mother I can be, so that she knows right and wrong, how to be confident and strong, and how to think for herself. She is already such a character, she rules all of us and will likely continue this way for years to come!!
We met Mike in Gatlinburg for two nights (Wed-Fri) and had a good visit. He paid for the hotel, all of the meals other than breakfast on Friday and bought Iris formula. He wanted to meet as a gesture of his love and commitment to trying to make it work. Iris and I then went to visit Mike's mother for two nights. Mike and I had an argument on the phone (I subsequently hung up mid-conversation), that came from an inappropriate tiext that he had sent the night before. We exchanged other texts after the call, and I later attempted to call him back, having to leave a message. I apologized for the hang up and explained that he was welcome to call about Iris anytime, but that I would respect his request for "separation" (two days after wanting to be married and loving me in Gatlinburg) and wouldn't contact him this week prior to his visit. He will be back in Raleigh on Saturday evening for three nights.
Feelings:
I'm so mad I can't see straight. He has no idea how hard all of this is on everyone, he only thinks about himself. He sent a really mean, hurtful text message and then refused to apologize for hurting my feelings, because I was "wrong and that's not what it was" or something. Basically I shouldn't be upset because he didn't mean it to hurt my feelings and therefore I'm not allowed to have hurt feelings. It's wrong of me. And then, to make it better, beecause I was mad, he then said that this is why separated people don't talk. Even thought he didn't want to be separated two days prior when he was having sex with me, telling me he loved me and telling me that he wanted to work things out with me. What the fuck. What a moron. He's so selfish and so awful at communication, how can I have possibly married this man?!?! And he hates me. He has to. That is the only reason someone sends a text message like his, and then turns my hurt feelings in to my fault and it all somehow comes back to what I did wrong in marriage, which validates why he's mean and why he cheated. What a horrible person.
He doesn't know how to argue or to take responsibility for anything. He literally can't make him self say the word sorry, he just can't be wrong. It's such an awful and weird thing to witness, because he could have shut me up and saved the situation by simply apologizing, but he'd rather us just not talk than admit he did something that wasn't great. I hate him for what he's done and continues to do to our family and our lives.
He lied to his girlfriend about coming to see us in Gatlinburg. He told his friends and his girlfriend that he was going to Indiana to see his Dad. So now, on top of continuing to lie to me and his friends, he's now lying to the new love of his life as well. And she has no idea. He doesn't want her to know that he's seeing me freely, telling me he loves me, having a romantic time with me. He doesn't want to stop his relationship with her in case he and I are really done, then at least he has a back up plan. Or am I the back up plan? I'm not sure anymore. He lies so much, there's no way to know what's real and what's a lie. But isn't that just the worst thing, that he won't even tell people he's seeing his Wife?! It's heart breaking every time he does this stuff. It just keeps getting worse, every time I think it can't. I know that I have to break free from him, but it's just so hard. I'm so scared to be a single parent, a single person, and an individual again. I wanted to be a great wife, a great mother, and to create a wonderful family. I loved Mike, I really did. But I hate this Mike now, he's selfish, mean, and unloveable. He's a very mediocre parent, and an awful Husband. I know, somewhere within, that I deserve to be treated better, that there will be someone to loves me and appreciates me for who I am and what I have to offer in love. But Mike isn't it anymore I don't think, he can't love me and won't make an effort to even try and begin repairing our love and marriage. I'm going to be a divorced 30 year old with a child. I am going to be divorced. Single. Alone. And ultimately I don't know if anyone will ever love me or be able to accept me as I am now, broken, a single parent, diseased, and unloveable? If all I did for Mike wasn't enough, I don't know what else I can do or what more I can be?
Iris:
Iris celebrated her 3 month birthday yesterday! She had a tough few days, I think the driving and constant changes has her worn out and cranky, and she has been crying and fussing a lot. She's so alert and happy though when she's in the zone, it's awesome! She's holding herself upright now and she can lift her head well and move it around during tummy time. Grandma Peg bought her a couple of books with bright pictures and she LOVED them, I am so excited to read them to her again tonight! She is the bright part of the day even when things are awful, my love for her grows every day and I feel so lucky that I get to see her every day, and not intermittently like Mike. I worry about her future a lot, but hope that I will learn to be enough and will show her the right way to live life. I want the absolute best for her and hate that that might be in any way jeopardized because of Mike and I. I will be the best version of myself and the best Mother I can be, so that she knows right and wrong, how to be confident and strong, and how to think for herself. She is already such a character, she rules all of us and will likely continue this way for years to come!!
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